I'm alone since my boyfriend died yesterday and getting in bad shape. Please help me

Thank you . . . I mean it.

And Rose, Before anything or anyone else, you have got to matter to yourself. You are worthy, you know yourself as an individual soul before God, better than anyone. You know your life, your trials, your successes, failures and challenges, better than anyone else possibly ever could.

Do you really think you are lacking in the eyes of God, because you have just completed an extremely taxing mission of putting another soul before yourself for many years and are now alone?

Please, give yourself credit. You don’t require someone else needing you, to give you value.

Please, please at this point give yourself permission to rest with the knowledge of a job well and faithfully done.

I remade the hospital bed. In the daytime, we would do it up to look like a daybed- like a couch. He loved when I got that done in the morning.

I thought once I got started that I'ld pick up momentum. I always did when he was here. I'll try to do more. I have to do it.

You've all done your best. I don't expect handholding every hour. Even patients in psych hospitals don't get that. Far from it.

I feel like I have no reason for doing anything. Oh, I know I could chose to do nothing for tonight. But that will just make me feel worse.

My boyfriend and I were a family. Every human needs to belong to a family. I'm not young anymore. Not that I'ld want to go re-live one of my younger years. I know I'm seriously depressed. Aside from the grief, I'm depressed. I've known all along that my main fear wasn't bearing the grief, but being overcome with depression. I'm not completely overcome yet.

Depression, I believe, is more of a symptom than a disease. I'm depressed because I'm very lonely.

I'm not lonely just because I'm alone. I'm afraid I will always be lonely. That's based on experience. Before I met him, I was very lonely. I lived alone for years. When I was 30, I was almost to where I couldn't stand it. I met him when I was 31. I'm afraid it's going to be like when I was in the years leading up to age 30.

It's not normal for a person in fresh gruef to be all alone. That's what family and friends and neighbors are for. My family are 2000 miles away. Being with them didn't work out too good either. My sister got drinking and turned hostile. So I spent 4 nights in a hotel. The place wasn't cheap, but it was pretty grim. But I didn't feel as bad there as I do here now.

Yes you could choose to do nothing. Yet doing “something has always helped you more Rose. It’s important to know yourself and what works for you.

You probably do have some depression. That may be what contributes to that alone feeling you are describing.

Right now you are experiencing a lot of feelings and some reflection. You are very intelligent so your mind will come up with a lot of thoughts.

Yes you and your significant other were like a family. And like all relationships not perfect. We all can experience a certain “aloneness”. It’s part of being human.

I know it’s early yet but I do think it would help you if you sat and searched for a grief support group. You are not the only one that has lost a life partner and is experiencing loneliness. You have to push yourself a bit to make an effort to connect. You never know what’s out there unless you explore.

I get it that it’s too fresh yet. Just don’t talk yourself into giving up.

I feel better now. I did enough picking up to where I made a serious dent.

But I did something else. My leg had been bothering me for hours whenever I walked (Maybe from walking yesterday all over a very large airport, lugging stuff, during the layover where I changed planes.) So I dug out my meds from a suitcase and took Vicodin. What I took was 15 mg of hydrocodone. Besides relieving physical pain, it tends to make me feel mentally better. I think it reduced my mental pain a good bit, along with my satisfaction at getting some tidying up done.

Now I want to go to sleep. I'm tired.

Dreamed a lot. One involved a cousin of mine who passed away.

Main thing this morning is to take a shower.

Tomorrow I want to leave a message for the psychiatrist over where I get my healthcare. When he gets back to me, I want to tell him that this is too painful for me and that I want him to prescribe Ativan for me. I'm afraid he'll say "no" because I already get hydrocodone for physical pain. So maybe I better not ask for the Ativan.

This is too painful. I want to tell them I can't take the pain. I want to tell them, "Don't leave me in this much pain. It's too much."

I had some Ativan that hospice prescribed for my boyfriend. So I've used it a few times - in the hotel room and on the layover coming back by plane. I got almost hysterical on the layover and was surprised how the Ativan interrupted that.

I need that help. But I'm afraid to ask.

I'm in too much pain since waking up - psychological pain. My heel is sore. I was trying to hold off taking a pain pill for it. Last night the pain pill I took for physical pain calm my mind to where I felt okay mentally. So I'll take a Vicodin now. Maybe it will relieve my mind. It takes an hour to kick in.

I'm starting to feel easing of the mental pain, along with lessening of physical soreness. Looking at the time of my post above, I see it's about exactly an hour. This relief will actually increase over the next 2 hours. Then plateau for a bit. Then start to gradually wear off. It might make how I feel bearable for 6 hours. When it was just physical pain, relief could last even a good bit longer, if I wasn't engaged in activity that was physically stressful.

Emotional pain affects the same area of the brain as physical pain so it's not surprising that medication for physical pain reduces the affects of your emotional pain. Don't be embarrassed or afraid to talk to your doctor and let him know what's going on and what you found brought you some relief. He may prescibe more vicodin for you or have you try something that may work better that addresses the emotional and anxiety.

Remember that you had a pattern for a long time where you got up and were busy. You are going to feel better if you do things because of that pattern. Part of how you feel is very similar to a person that retires and is suddenly no longer living a routine. And this feeling of being useful or that you matter that you don't feel now is the same thing a person can feel once they retire unless they have something else they get involved in that keeps them in a "functioning" pattern. Actually, this pandemic and how it has affected people's normal patterns has caused a lot of people to struggle and feel depressed, it's that same challenge.

Rose, lets take advantage of your intelligence and logical mind. The human brain is set up to "navigate" and the human being does best when engaging in using the navigational that the brain can engage everyday. You did not choose be totally seditary, instead you made that hospital bed up and when it was done you looked at it and FELT better. That's because you engaged in some kind of "navigation" that got something accomplished. If you sit and think about it Rose, that's ALWAYS been your pick me up.

Not for nothing, but I remember how you had to have your own place because you were not always appreciated the way you deserved by your boyfriend. He would be nice and then get grumpy with you so you had to have your own place. He would contribute to your feeling bad so you would go to your own place, feel depressed and your place got to be a mess. Then you would get sick of it and clean and make your place nice and that ALWAYS made you FEEL BETTER. It was YOUR own place and you fixed it up FOR YOURSELF and when you invested in making it nice FOR YOURSELF, you always FELT BETTER. That is what you need to do MORE of, take pleasure in doing things FOR YOURSELF.

Do you know that when a person is kept so busy caregiving like you have and the person they are caregiving for dies, they actually feel "relief"? Oh, they don't always say it, but they do feel it and often think it's awful that they FEEL that sense of relief. Well, it's not being a "bad" person to have that feeling or means you should feel guilty. It is a part of finally having time to "self care" better.

You talked about getting off the plane and feeling lost because he was not there "waiting for you" right? Well, you loved him but he was not always appreciative. And part of what you love that you don't realize is navigating with a sense of purpose. Well, you DESERVE to have a sense of PURPOSE for yourself. And I KNOW when you engage with that you end up FEELING BETTER. Your list of all the things you are "not"? Well, you can find a way to be a student, and contribute to others, you are certainly smart enough. Yes, his life is over, YOURS doesn't have to be. You are free to explore more Rose.

What a blessed relief! I'm actually okay now. I wish I could remember for sure whether I took 10 or 15 mg of hydrocodone. I think I took 10. Often that's enough. I hope it was 10. I remember telling myself that I want to not run out before I can get a refill.

She probably won't prescribe Ativan because it is a benzo and because I have a xanax prescription which is also a benzo--they test me once a year for hydrocodone, pot, etc but there are other drugs that could provide you relief and can be safely taken with your hydrocodone. When I was in a terrible crisis, I was prescribed the antidepressant Zoloft. It helps with depression and numbs your emotions. I still take for depression and to help me be more detached from others negative emotions but take breaks from taking it when it has numbed my emotions too much. However, when I was in crisis, having my emotions numbed down was a blessing. Please don't be afraid to call and ask for help Rose.

I woke up. Made hot chocolate. I feel bad. I'm very sad. 6 hours since I took my pain pill.

I think of a small goal: take a shower. pick up laundry at the wash-and-fold.

If I talk about being seriously depressed to my healthcare providers, they might be afraid to continue prescribing the hydrocodone I've been getting.

I think they almost have to. Providers are under so much pressure now to not prescribe opioids, or prescribe fewer than they were prescribing in the past. I'm lucky I get what I get.

The sister I stayed with when I went back got to drinking and became belligerant. She had been my best friend these past 6 years - calling often, encouraging me to call her whenever. The plan was I would stay with her briefly for the funeral. Then I would come back and take care of his apartment. Then I would return to spend maybe a month with her, so I would not be alone in the beginning. That plan got exploded. I forgive her, but I see how impossible she is when she drinks.

Then I have another sister in a different state. For years she seldom calls. After he died, she started calling . . . but she doles out her time spent talking to me, like she wants to make sure I don't take up too much of her time. I figured this is how she'ld be. So I try to make sure I'm not bothering her. Still, I'm hurt . . . but she's been that way for years.

At least tomorrow I can call about donating his furniture to charity. Once stuff starts moving out the door, the task of emptying this apt won't seem so overwhelming.

The lady nextdoor to my bf's place is kind of overly quick to want to "be there" for me. She's kind of needy and hard to get away from when I bump into her. I've often attracted "needy people." These are the types who act like they want to give attention, when what they are really after is getting attention for themselves. She encouraged me to leave her a key to my bf's apt. I was in such a state that I mindlessly told her I would. Then I just forgot to. Turns out her plan was to "show" the place to another tenant who wants it. That tenant now has enough difficulty walking that she is on a waiting list for a handicap-accessible apt. I guess management here already told her she can have this apt when it's available. I better stop sleeping here because I'm not a tenant, and management told me HUD disallows caregivers "living in apt" for more than 14 days after tenant dies.

So I better pack up what's in the fridge here and take it to my place.

I should look at weeks of unopened mail.

Well, this post gives me an idea of what I have to get going with today.

In reference to some ideas above: I don't need to care for another to know I have value. I don't have a big self-esteem problem. I've always liked more solitude than the average person. I've lost the only dependable source of love I've had for an awful long time. Don't tell me, "Well just start loving yourself." People need other people. I don't want to be alone with no one to love me. I had enough of that over the years. Even with my bf, I paid a high price to get what I got from him.

I know I have to get out and get involved to meet others. It's like I have to start my life all over again from scratch.

This is a big apt complex. Some lady put a sympathy card on the door with her phone number enclosed. At first, I thought, "How nice." Then I decided to be cautious. I don't know this lady even as a passing acquaintance. Maybe she's a genuinely good-hearted person. But there are many people who target persons like me in a state of acute vulnerability for all kinds of unwholesome reasons. I'm not the paranoid type. I've learned some things the hard way by being too gullible and trusting.

I thank all posting to this thread. I seem to have no one to lean on, at a time when that's the perfectly human thing to need.

My other sister - the cool one - her husband never git on the phone to just say, "Sorry for your loss." He's known me an awful long time. But if I owned property and had significant financial assets - and having no children to leave them to - he'ld consider me someone to cultivate. My sister follows his lead.

Well, sitting here ruminating sure isn't getting me anywhere.

You are amazing, Rose! Thank you for sharing all your very analytical, very interesting thoughts! God bless you! I hope the hurt lessens with each moment through your soul searching, which I think is helping you. And I think you're helping a lot of other people, too! Hugs & love to you, dear Rose!

I got the shower warming up and I took a pain pill - 10 mg.

So I'll shower and dress. I can't tell you how hard it was to talk myself into doing this.

Breaking Dawn - I'm surprised at your post, but I thank you for it. I more expect to be scolded for wallowing in pain.

Who would give you a hard time for struggling and grieving and sorting out all your feelings? Only a cruel person does that.

Well I got showered and dressed. Very hard to get in there for that. Now, I don't want that to be my only achievement for the day. I want to open mail. I might put something on for dinner.

My main problem is being all alone . . . having no one here to talk with and for some company. But with billions of humans roaming around out there, it should be possible to drum up some human contact.

It's not my belief that my bf, and only my bf, could relieve my loneliness. I think I could be in a reasonable state of mind, with just the warmth that the company of any nice person could provide. That shouldn't be impossible to find.

If I sound more hopeful . . . my pain pill has kicked in. It provides important psychological support . . . but I can't go telling that to any doctor . . . not these days. Feeling less sore physically certainly is a mood booster also.

I went on a quick errand. Picked up laundry. Driving back, as I've done so often from this laundromat I got overcome by the thought that he's not waiting for me to get back. I can't stand this pain. He was my everything.

I know I'm thinking and speaking badly. So much pain in the world. I shouldn't make such a big deal of my little portion of that pain.

Rose, it’s very normal to be doing something that is part of your routine and feel his absence. It really takes the brain time to slowly adjust and accept the absence. Even when you know someone is nearing the end it really is not until they are gone that you face this challenge. It’s also normal to experience these pangs.

Try to set aside a little time to search for grief support group near you. The agenda is grief support with others also struggling. I know I have suggested doing this already. I just think it would help.

I became so distraught after the post above I called the neighbor in the bext apt. She invited me over and was kind. Mostly I listened to the story of her sad life. One sad thing after another, including the sexual molestation in her family. It was distracting, and I'm a natural listener. But there's a limit to how much of that I can take. She did try to be kind. I am very sorry for her loneliness . . . and I'm glad I'm not her.

Today I've eaten nothing solid . . . just a mug of hot chocolate at noon. I put a frozen pizza in the oven. It's ready and I have zero interest in even a bite of it or anything. I think this is the first time in my whole life that emotional distress has taken away my appetite.

I feel sleepy. The rose bushes are unkempy with weedy tree saplings growing up through them. I fear the apt manager will complain about that tomorrow. I just want to sleep.

If you are tired “sleep” grieving is exhausting both emotionally and physically.

Also if you call and can’t get the meds you want klonopin also works well. The generic is clonazapm.

I did fall asleep. Now almost 3 a.m. I'm awake. I have nausea, even though I didn't really eat yesterday.

Thinking of you Rose. I don't know if this video will be helpful but posting it just in case:
Fighting loneliness after losing a partner

I believe there is a reason for everything we experience in this life. I hope you can eventually find meaning from what you are going through.

I took a Vicodin and called that Crisis telephone line. I was shivering with some kind of general distress. I was getting an attack of grief. The counselor who answered the crisis line ended up being an understanding person. At first I didn't think I could even talk to him. But I got desperate to tell someone how severely depressed I'm getting. I told him I'm not a danger to myself, but I don't believe I can survive this loss without serious help, including treatment with narcotic medication - which these days is very difficult to get. I told him I want to call my healthcare providers and tell them honestly how dangerously depressed I am.

I learned over the years that confiding fully in doctors can be self-defeating. Taking Vicodin greatly improved my quality of life and enabled me to withstand the physical strain of caring for my boyfriend, as he became increasingly paralyzed. I vowed to myself that I would never report being depressed to my PCP for fear that she would then refuse to order me an opioid pain medication. Doctors are under enormous pressure from the government to drastically cut down on the supply of opioids to the public. So they're going to be scared to order opioids to a depressed person. Now I have less physical pain than when I was lifting, turning and moving around a man with increasing paralysis . . . and cooking for him and moving furniture around to mmake room for what we were doing. When he was still able to stand, he could only step to his right, due to a stroke. So I had to slide furniture so he could always move to his right. This put a lot of demand on me physically that worsened tendonitis in my left heel to where I was limping on it at times. Now I can avoid exertion that aggravates my sore areas. But I found that Vicodin also helped with depression. Now I take one when I start wishing I was never born. It helps. The hospice doctor ordered Ativan for my bf. I had some left after he died. I kept it with me. On a layover at the airport I started sobbing, realizing this was the first time he would not be waiting for me at home. I became almost hysterical with grief. I took 2 Ativan tablets. In 30 minutes I was calmed to a reasonable state of mind. I have a few Ativan tablets left, but I will be in trouble if they show up in my next pee-test.

I want to tell my PCP (a phsician's assistant) and the psychiatrist who I see not very often that I am severely depressed, but I get some relief from these narcotic medications. I want to ask that they order Ativan for me and let me continye taking Vicodin. I feel I've got the chance of a snowball in hades of getting them to agree to that. So I stay coping with severe depression by myself. I am going to go to a grief support group and do what healthy things I can do to care for myself. But I need medication to control the near hysterical state I keep getting into. There is no talking to a counselor for an hour once a week that is going to be an adequate treatment for me. I'll go for that, but I need to have this pain somewhat reduced, or I don't believe I will survive. At times it is so bad I believe I would do anything to escape from it. I have no history of suicide attempt. I don't believe in making melodramatic threats. But I know I've become very seriously depressed.

Right now I'm calm enough to focus on writing this post. Taking that Vicodin a while ago is probably why.

The counselor on the crisis line told me to approach my healthcare providers and be honest with them. He says there is a chance they might respond with the help I need and with help that will be effective. He acknowledged that my fears are not groundless. He admitted me being honest coukd lead to me losing the medication I feel I need. But he said it could be a risk worth taking. Now my shivering has stopped and I feel less nauseated. That's from taking that 10 mg of hydrocodone. But I'm going to run out of that soon. I was glad I told this counselor so much and that he took an interest in me and saud he agreed it was not unreasonable of me to want medication support with increased controlled substances on a temporary basis. This kind of intense grief usually lessens with time, or people would be jumping off roofs left and right. Pretty much everyone has to cope with severe grief sooner or later, and the vast majority live through it. My loss isn't any worse than what lots of people handle every day. But, for whatever reasons, I have become abnormally depressed over my loss. I was deoressed while my bf was still alive. But the love between us sustained me. I have not the support of children or a network of connections to people I can be with. I am alone, and this is too painful to endure alone.

I want to survive and make use of the years I have left. My health is still quite good. I have many interests that I could not pursue for these past 6 years that I've been caregiving night and day. I believe there's a chance my life could possibly become fulfilling again. But I need some relief from a level of mental agony that is making my life worthless to me. I don't have much faith I can get the help I need.

I just watched the video. Thank you. It was comforting. The people in the video seem to be middle class. I don't say they are wealthy, but they have a certain level of comfort that comes with a certain level of income. In that respect I felt different. I live on what, in the U.S., is considered a poverty income.

I'm very happy to have my guaranteed social security check every month. I've never needed a high income. At times I have had a high income. My tendency toward depression kept me from sustaining that. But I feel I am alright as far as getting my real material needs met.

But there is some stigma to having a decent education and yet living at my economic level. People think I had the ability to have every kind of success . . . and just squandered my gifts and opportunities. I don't spent any much time worrying what people think along those lines, but I know I am affected by that thinking. One of my closest family members has almost systematically distanced herself from me ever since it became apparent that I would only barely survive economically. So I have that to grapple with as well.

I can think of ways I squandered opportunities perhaps for the some of the same reasons. My POV is that even the "wealthy" can lose what they have in the blink of an eye and we can't take it with us. I read portions of your thread as you took care of your partner and my POV is that showed so much love and heart. You can be wealthy but still feel empty. I have endured seasons where both my spouse and I were unemployed and our savings had run out, etc. It helped my understand what others go through. There are many people in the world and the US who are poorer than us. Sometimes people who struggle financially have grown rich in other ways. It reminds us to help others.