Depression Vent Room for Misfits

I've been going up & down. I'm stronger for a while, which feels encouraging, & I'm even happy & I make plans about things I need to do & feel enthusiastic, then unhappiness happens & I get depressed, really sad, & I can't seem to do anything, & I feel so ashamed of myself. I owe a lot of people an apology & I feel so bad. I just wish so much that I could find the right therapist for me & wouldn't need to take meds with side effects. It's ok. I'm not like this all the time. I don't need to be in a hospital. I handle it pretty good on my own. I just keep hoping.

^ I notice what I think are a lot of harsh self judgments in the post above. I also think a good therapist could help. @Breaking Dawn

Have you read Feeling Good by Burns? I have found this book more helpful (CBT) than any CBT (or other) therapist I had found in this forest irl Grrrrrrr

(edited) meds with side effects (in my case I have had additional severe allergic reactions grrr so it's not an option for me anyway aside from benzos

Thank you @Fuzzybear! Yes, I had good CBT training years ago; have & love the book & have recommended it to others & use its principles the best I can. I am recognizing lately though that I need therapy again, mainly because of the voices, & probably dissociation, & possibly DID.

Feeling ok today, ran some errands. Just feeling sad and lonely sometimes, but difficult to socialize now. Took my dog for a walk this weekend and it was a lovely fall day with the sun shining and beautiful fall colors outside.

Quite a nice day here today... still chilly... but a lot warmer than it has been & sunny. Most of the leaves are gone from our trees at this point. We took our doggie to 2 pet shops today. Then my wife did some grocery shopping. While she was in the grocery store I took our pooch for a little walk down the street. It was nice.

I posted a tread in the Seniors forum regarding "sundown syndrome". I have some daily experiences that seem, to me, to be similar to this. One aspect of it, among others, is experiencing a noticeable increase in my level of anxiety. It generally hits around 4:30 or 5 PM. It's 3:40 PM as I write this & I think I can already feel it beginning to creep in.

Hi, @Skeezyks, I was just wondering, could you maybe have a little bit of SAD/seasonal affective disorder? Like when the sun goes down you start to get symptoms & some part of you is kind of unhappy about this change? By the way, I have some problems with decreased sunlight myself, so I thought of that possibility.

@Breaking Dawn Thanks for your reply! I'm sure the earlier sunset now isn't helping. But this is something that has been going on for several months. I don't even recall when I first began to actually notice it. But I know I was experiencing it throughout the summer. It is true though that even in the summer, I don't spend much time outside except for taking our dog for walks. So SAD in probably a possibility. Have you tried using a light box? (I haven't.)

Thank you, @Skeezyks. No, I've never used a light box.

My impression, from what I've read, is that they work pretty well for some people & not so much for others. I guess there are different kinds as well. And some work better for some people than others. So it's kind-of like psych med's. Everyone's experience is different. The problem, I would guess, would be one could spend a lot of money trying to figure out if there's a light box out there that will work for them. Perhaps someone else, here on the "Misfits" thread, knows more about this than I do?

Not much going on here today. We'll be taking our pooch for a nice walk in the sunshine early this afternoon. That's about it.

Hugs to all misfits!

I thought some here might like this (I do )

Hugs and respect

I either wake now in the middle of the night or make it through to morning. I always wake with anxiety from the relationships gone bad and worry. I feel so alone while I am blessed with others, but mostly they don’t help me. I’ve been so depressed for so long it’s become my personality. This waking trauma started at least ten years ago.

Even in college, I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night. I now know it was because of depression/anxiety (but not the kind of depression that made me sleep a lot--maybe a bipolar depression?). I would always go to all my classes and have never missed work because of lack of sleep. I would force myself to work through the afternoons even though I was tired (lots of coffee and, back then, Diet Coke). Now, I can take naps since I do not really have a job (I occasionally teach an online class in the morning but not very many).

I hope you are able to take a nap today.

Just wishing the end were near today. It doesn't appear to be anywhere in sight.

Dear God, please let them know how important they are, for themselves, & for each other! And thank you, God, for them because they are helping me!

Much love to all

I don't fit anywhere, in real life and in the cyber world. It all ends the same. Few interactions and comments, and then I am being ignored.

I am drowning in sadness
I lost my soul in this toxic relationship that I can't get out of.
I lost someone very special to me that really understood my pain

It has been the worst year for me. I'm tired and I want to get off this ride

Vacuumed our townhome unit today. Then took the dog out for a walk in the cold windy rain. Now I'm pooped!

I am basically inching my way through time & space, waiting for whatever. It feels like something is pushing in on me, compressing me. I think it might be something like a combination of dissociation & anxiety/fear/dread.

To be dealing, at my age, with the same insanity I've dealt with all my life is highly embarrassing.

I am doing much better now. I hope you all are doing ok.

I'm definately a misfit. Haven't left my apartment in over a year. Have only spoken with my long time girlfriend who I live with during that year. Have been severely depressed for 3 1/2 years this time. Have had other depression episodes in the past. Before 2017, 2008 was the prev. extended episode. Ended up in the hospital in 2017. When I left I wasn't feeling any better but didn't want to tell them how severe my depression was because I didn't want to stay any longer. Nothing anyone can do or could have done. I was there about 2 weeks, mental ward. I only had to pay $2,100 out of a $164,000. bill. (medicare) 3 meals a day, talked to a psychiatrist for 5 mins a day. There were groups each day, rarely attended any. I would just eat & go back to bed & listen for my name to talk to the psych. Got my vitals checked 3 times a day. My son called me on my birthday & father's day this year. Hadn't heard from him in over 2 years. He was prob. Too embarrassed.Too embarrassed to call him back. He may have beaten his drug addiction. He ended up in jai for 6 mos after living in his mom's garage. Not strong enough to call my son & say how proud of him if he has beaten his addiction. Afraid I'll tell him how pathetic I've become. I don't take any meds, or drink, etc. Long time recovering Catholic. Extreme guilt. Sorry so long. Not sre why my girlfriend still wants me here. Wish I could leave her the money I have. Pray ea. night to pass naturally, know you're not supposed to be that way, gutless.. Hope I haven't made anyone feel worse. I admire all of you helping others. . I don't help anyone. Been too embarrassed to even tell all of you of my pathetic life here. Thanks

I'm in the same boat ⛵ I have good times and bad times. Right now I am doing good

Even thru your embarrassment you're always helping people here. One of the most admirable qualities a person can have.