[VanillaOctopi]

Hi.
I'm not sure if this is where something like this should be posted, but 🤷*♂️ - just feel like shareing. Hope you all don't mind, no one in real life really wants to talk about it.

I will include a trigger warning, as this does have to do with suicide, deep depression, and grief.
___________________________________________

I have had mental break downs and anxiety since I was a kid, but my depression has only been around for the last 4 years. February will be the 5 year mark.
Crazy to think I have spent the last 5 years of my life in this pit.

To be honest, I don't think it's something I'm ever going to be able to shake. Which frightens me, because I'm getting too tired.

My older brother committed suicide on my 18th birthday in 2017. February 1st, 2017. His name is Alex and he was only 24.

I am the middle child of 5, and Alex is the only one of my siblings that shares the same father. We were super close. Not in a 'tell eachother everything' kind of way, but we went through hell and back with eachother. We felt better in eachothers company.

Our father is a compulsive liar and extremely mentally ill. Our mother is a neglectful narcissist. Between the two of them, my brother and I experienced a lot of mental abuse. Sometimes the abuse was physical for Alex.

I could go into detail, but this story time is already going to be too long 😅 To sum it up: we had a terrible childhood without a saving grace relative. That said, I completely understand why he took his own life and I have never been angry at him for it.

However, I don't know what to do now. I idolized my brother. We had the same hobbies. He raised me.
He is the reason for who I am. When he died, I lost everything. All of my motivation and enjoyment in life went with him.

I use to love to paint. I had a photography business. I looked at the world as a work of art.

Now.. nothing I use to love brings me joy. Painting is no longer an excape. I hate photography specifically because I can't do it anymore. The world is so grey.

I don't know who I am or where to go from here. I'm completely lost. I'm watching the world continue and I feel as though I'm stuck in the same place I was when I found out hes dead.

For over half my life, he was my only friend. I can't even look in the mirror because of how much we look alike. Same nose, eyes, and facial expressions.

He left me everything. All of his art work and little items that he owned.

He left a penny on his bedside table with my birthyear on it. The cop who found him grabbed it (without knowing the year was important) and gave it to me thinking it was a sign he left for his family.

He always did little things like that when he was a live. I made the penny into a necklace and wear it almost every day.

I'd never take my own life because I know what it's like to be left behind. I couldn't do that to my remaining brothers and sisters - but I already feel dead. Lifeless. Stuck. Lost. And so very tired.

Anyways, thanks for reading. ❤️

[WePow]

You are heard. Life can be so hard to endure. I can't tell you things will get better... only time will tell. But you are to be commended for sticking through things for the sake of those who love you. That is courageous. Dying is easy; it is the living that is hard. Big safe hugs.

[zapatoes]

Sorry for your loss.