Dark Days

Purple,Violet,Blue · Jan 26, 2021 at 09:38 AM

Hope you can be a little easier on yourself, soon

Work projects will sometimes go well, and sometimes not. No-one expects you to be perfect. If a friend had the same experience, I'm sure you wouldn't think any less of them because of it

Deilla · Jan 29, 2021 at 01:14 PM

I'm having a dark day today. I'm very tired even though I got about 10 hours of sleep. I'm tired most days. And what makes me feel worse than anything is that I'm having a hard time losing weight. This past week, I've gained weight. It breaks my spirit. I'm back to thinking that I'm better off not being here. I know my doctor mentioned Latuda. But she said most insurances don't pay for it. I think my doctor just needs to try a different med. I feel frustrated. I can't drive to a city an hour away to pick up samples every month. I don't like driving in big cities. I don't know what I will do. Maybe I should switch providers.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Jan 30, 2021 at 08:40 PM

Big hugs, Deilla

Fuzzybear · Jan 31, 2021 at 04:33 PM

Gentle hugs to you, Dellia

Purple,Violet,Blue · Jan 31, 2021 at 07:53 PM

Are things looking any brighter today?

Deilla · Jan 31, 2021 at 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Are things looking any brighter today?

Yesterday was a good day. For some reason, today is very difficult. I think I know why I gained weight like I did. It happened once I increased my Effexor. And my med provider is not very responsive. I will call in the morning but I will also cut back on my Effexor with or without her approval. The weight gain makes matters worse. I may just find a new provider.

The weather was nice today. But I still felt bad. And I couldn't do the things I normally do. Nothing interested me. And to make things worse, my cat is sick. She cries and cries and that makes me feel a million times worse. She's been to and from the vet for 3 months now over this. I may have to take her back.

Deilla · Feb 01, 2021 at 01:55 PM

I'm doing better today. I got plenty of sleep and I lost 4 pounds. That helps put me in a good mood. I will hold off on any med changes. I want to see if I keep losing weight. I made some dietary changes. Perhaps that will help. I really hate med changes. I just want to be stable. I have a workshop on spirituality. I plan to go through that this week. I hope it helps give me a new perspective on life. Perhaps that along with DBT will counteract the depression.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Feb 04, 2021 at 08:04 PM

Med changes must be scary

You seem to be doing all the right things, Deilla

leomama · Feb 04, 2021 at 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I've been really depressed these past few days. My emotions are all over the place. I am down then up then down again. My thoughts are very negative. I shared some of them with my med provider yesterday. I was afraid she would make me go in-patient. I could hear how nervous she was on the phone. We decided to increase my AD. She said if that didn't work, we can try Latuda.

I keep forgetting to use REST. I'm too sad to use DBT. I just feel my pain and push myself to do chores. That's all I ever do anymore. I struggle with housework. I have no purpose in life. I guess maybe giving a home to two rescue kitties is a purpose.

May I ask what AD you are using? I am also dealing with dark days however in my case its situational, not internal.
I'm not familiar with REST, however I had years of DBT. Anger, for example, is a hard emotion to deal with. I'm too exhausted to do my chores after an 8 hour shift. I do some but not all. I know I have purpose, however I'm in a situation that's really bringing me down.

Deilla · Feb 05, 2021 at 02:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

May I ask what AD you are using? I am also dealing with dark days however in my case its situational, not internal.
I'm not familiar with REST, however I had years of DBT. Anger, for example, is a hard emotion to deal with. I'm too exhausted to do my chores after an 8 hour shift. I do some but not all. I know I have purpose, however I'm in a situation that's really bringing me down.

I'm on Effexor. I find REST helpful. It's in DBT. It's Relax, Evaluate, Set an Intention and Take Action. I hope your situation gets better soon.

leomama · Feb 05, 2021 at 02:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I'm on Effexor. I find REST helpful. It's in DBT. It's Relax, Evaluate, Set an Intention and Take Action. I hope your situation gets better soon.

The other person isn’t going to change their behavior so I have to change my response to it. I’m not able to do what I need to do to feel safe so I’m left with a very difficult situation .

Deilla · Feb 05, 2021 at 03:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Med changes must be scary

You seem to be doing all the right things, Deilla

Yes, med changes are scary. I've had some bad reactions to some things in the past. It's awful to go from bad to worse. I'm going to focus on coping skills. I think I've done all I can with my meds.

Deilla · Feb 05, 2021 at 03:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

The other person isn’t going to change their behavior so I have to change my response to it. I’m not able to do what I need to do to feel safe so I’m left with a very difficult situation .

Yes, typically people won't change. But you're right. All we can do is change our reaction. I hope you can find some peace.

leomama · Feb 05, 2021 at 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

Yes, typically people won't change. But you're right. All we can do is change our reaction. I hope you can find some peace.

Well it’s a little more then that in my situation, however until I can take more radical action,

Deilla · Feb 24, 2021 at 10:49 PM

I'm back in some dark dark days. This week has been difficult. Every day has been a Monday. Today is the worst. I asked my mom for help. It was important. I had a deadline. I waited and waited and she never showed up. I feel deeply depressed and beyond disappointed. I am not a priority. It seems like I would matter somewhat if I needed help. I have no one. I'm on my own. I will have to figure this out some other way.

I went to bed early and did my prayer for a long time. I didn't want to wake up again. My prayer goes unanswered. It's really unfair. Life is over for me. I have no hope of anything. I'm pretty worthless. I have no one and no one really cares. Not my daughter, not my mom and not my sisters.

TunedOut · Feb 25, 2021 at 03:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I didn't want to wake up again. My prayer goes unanswered. It's really unfair. Life is over for me. I have no hope of anything. I'm pretty worthless. I have no one and no one really cares. Not my daughter, not my mom and not my sisters.

IMO, there could be a purpose for your life but the time is not now.

I am sorry you don't feel loved.

Hang in there, something really good could happen months or years from now. Eventually, things change!

Deilla · Feb 25, 2021 at 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TunedOut

IMO, there could be a purpose for your life but the time is not now.

I am sorry you don't feel loved.

Hang in there, something really good could happen months or years from now. Eventually, things change!

Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying to stay busy this morning with distractions. I do feel a lot better today. I think finally getting some good rest helped. I don't know what my purpose is. I've tried several things and I've essentially failed all attempts.

TunedOut · Feb 25, 2021 at 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I don't know what my purpose is. .

IMO, all the posting you do, might help with this. Also, for me, having a mental health crisis eventually helped with this. I was in my 50s!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I've tried several things and I've essentially failed all attempts.

Failure can be a good teacher. IMO sometimes growing up under tough circumstances can make us more determined but I also think that we were created with a certain purpose in mind and sometimes it takes a while to figure out how to take advantage of our inborn programming/talents--and that "talent" may not be to become "the greatest" but when we find work (whether paid or unpaid) that suits us, it makes us more content. Also, IMO, some desires, like wanting and obtaining things are not as meaningful as relationships and finding things you like to do/get better at by doing. That you have failed shows you are pushing yourself--we have to get outside of our comfort zone/make sacrifices sometimes to make progress. Not all discomfort is bad.

Though I do wish your family was more encouraging.

10 Famous Failures to Success Stories That Will Inspire You to Carry On

Deilla · Feb 25, 2021 at 10:52 PM

@TunedOut thank you! Yes, I've read recently that failure has lessons for us. I have lots of things I like to do like writing, art and music. But I consider myself a failure because it's not making me money. I get lots of positive feedback. Like recently, I did an image that got 37 likes on DeviantArt. Normally, I get 4 or 5. I need to give myself more credit for the things I do. I'm also impatient. I expected to be an overnight success. But I keep hearing that sometimes it takes an artist years. I just gave up when I didn't get the results I wanted. I have to keep trying. If I can make just one person smile, then it's got to be a success.

TunedOut · Feb 26, 2021 at 03:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

@TunedOut thank you! Yes, I've read recently that failure has lessons for us. I have lots of things I like to do like writing, art and music. But I consider myself a failure because it's not making me money. I get lots of positive feedback. Like recently, I did an image that got 37 likes on DeviantArt. Normally, I get 4 or 5. I need to give myself more credit for the things I do. I'm also impatient. I expected to be an overnight success. But I keep hearing that sometimes it takes an artist years. I just gave up when I didn't get the results I wanted. I have to keep trying. If I can make just one person smile, then it's got to be a success.

I looked at your blog.

It's lovely and the cartoons are adorable. I think you are on the right track because you are actively doing and looking for answers!

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Purple,Violet,Blue Magnate Member Since Sep 2017 Location: Britain Posts: 2,899 7 10.3k hugs given	Jan 26, 2021 at 09:38 AM #21 Hope you can be a little easier on yourself, soon Work projects will sometimes go well, and sometimes not. No-one expects you to be perfect. If a friend had the same experience, I'm sure you wouldn't think any less of them because of it
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Purple,Violet,Blue Magnate Member Since Sep 2017 Location: Britain Posts: 2,899 7 10.3k hugs given	Jan 30, 2021 at 08:40 PM #23 Big hugs, Deilla
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Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,465 (SuperPoster!) 22 81.4k hugs given	Jan 31, 2021 at 04:33 PM #24 Gentle hugs to you, Dellia __________________
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Purple,Violet,Blue Magnate Member Since Sep 2017 Location: Britain Posts: 2,899 7 10.3k hugs given	Jan 31, 2021 at 07:53 PM #25 Are things looking any brighter today?
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Purple,Violet,Blue Magnate Member Since Sep 2017 Location: Britain Posts: 2,899 7 10.3k hugs given	Feb 04, 2021 at 08:04 PM #28 Med changes must be scary You seem to be doing all the right things, Deilla
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