Dark Days

Yesterday was a good day. For some reason, today is very difficult. I think I know why I gained weight like I did. It happened once I increased my Effexor. And my med provider is not very responsive. I will call in the morning but I will also cut back on my Effexor with or without her approval. The weight gain makes matters worse. I may just find a new provider.

The weather was nice today. But I still felt bad. And I couldn't do the things I normally do. Nothing interested me. And to make things worse, my cat is sick. She cries and cries and that makes me feel a million times worse. She's been to and from the vet for 3 months now over this. I may have to take her back.

I'm doing better today. I got plenty of sleep and I lost 4 pounds. That helps put me in a good mood. I will hold off on any med changes. I want to see if I keep losing weight. I made some dietary changes. Perhaps that will help. I really hate med changes. I just want to be stable. I have a workshop on spirituality. I plan to go through that this week. I hope it helps give me a new perspective on life. Perhaps that along with DBT will counteract the depression.

Med changes must be scary You seem to be doing all the right things, Deilla

May I ask what AD you are using? I am also dealing with dark days however in my case its situational, not internal.
I'm not familiar with REST, however I had years of DBT. Anger, for example, is a hard emotion to deal with. I'm too exhausted to do my chores after an 8 hour shift. I do some but not all. I know I have purpose, however I'm in a situation that's really bringing me down.

I'm on Effexor. I find REST helpful. It's in DBT. It's Relax, Evaluate, Set an Intention and Take Action. I hope your situation gets better soon.

The other person isn’t going to change their behavior so I have to change my response to it. I’m not able to do what I need to do to feel safe so I’m left with a very difficult situation .

Yes, med changes are scary. I've had some bad reactions to some things in the past. It's awful to go from bad to worse. I'm going to focus on coping skills. I think I've done all I can with my meds.

Yes, typically people won't change. But you're right. All we can do is change our reaction. I hope you can find some peace.

Well it’s a little more then that in my situation, however until I can take more radical action,

I'm back in some dark dark days. This week has been difficult. Every day has been a Monday. Today is the worst. I asked my mom for help. It was important. I had a deadline. I waited and waited and she never showed up. I feel deeply depressed and beyond disappointed. I am not a priority. It seems like I would matter somewhat if I needed help. I have no one. I'm on my own. I will have to figure this out some other way.

I went to bed early and did my prayer for a long time. I didn't want to wake up again. My prayer goes unanswered. It's really unfair. Life is over for me. I have no hope of anything. I'm pretty worthless. I have no one and no one really cares. Not my daughter, not my mom and not my sisters.

IMO, there could be a purpose for your life but the time is not now. I am sorry you don't feel loved. Hang in there, something really good could happen months or years from now. Eventually, things change!

Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying to stay busy this morning with distractions. I do feel a lot better today. I think finally getting some good rest helped. I don't know what my purpose is. I've tried several things and I've essentially failed all attempts.

IMO, all the posting you do, might help with this. Also, for me, having a mental health crisis eventually helped with this. I was in my 50s!

Failure can be a good teacher. IMO sometimes growing up under tough circumstances can make us more determined but I also think that we were created with a certain purpose in mind and sometimes it takes a while to figure out how to take advantage of our inborn programming/talents--and that "talent" may not be to become "the greatest" but when we find work (whether paid or unpaid) that suits us, it makes us more content. Also, IMO, some desires, like wanting and obtaining things are not as meaningful as relationships and finding things you like to do/get better at by doing. That you have failed shows you are pushing yourself--we have to get outside of our comfort zone/make sacrifices sometimes to make progress. Not all discomfort is bad. Though I do wish your family was more encouraging.
10 Famous Failures to Success Stories That Will Inspire You to Carry On

@TunedOut thank you! Yes, I've read recently that failure has lessons for us. I have lots of things I like to do like writing, art and music. But I consider myself a failure because it's not making me money. I get lots of positive feedback. Like recently, I did an image that got 37 likes on DeviantArt. Normally, I get 4 or 5. I need to give myself more credit for the things I do. I'm also impatient. I expected to be an overnight success. But I keep hearing that sometimes it takes an artist years. I just gave up when I didn't get the results I wanted. I have to keep trying. If I can make just one person smile, then it's got to be a success.

I looked at your blog. It's lovely and the cartoons are adorable. I think you are on the right track because you are actively doing and looking for answers!

Deilla, TurnedOut said:
I looked into it as well. You are on your way! Keep going ...

Deilla, God is not a milking cow. He answers in his own time. Thank him instead. Of course we are allowed to feel down, disappointed and angry. He can take that! But there must be place for the thanks as well; for a beautiful morning, for rain after a dry season, for a good cup of tea, a funny cat and so on.

To be thankful does something with our brains.

You are not worthless, because every person on this planet has a worth in themselves! So, maybe your family does not care, but let them be in that wrong state. It is them that don't know what they are missing by ignoring you. Create your own life in a path that is yours.

I read in your blog that you are into DBT. In case you want a very good, but thin book, built on both CBT and DBT I recommend this one: "The Decider Skills for Self Help: CBT and DBT skills to increase resilience, coping and confidence" Paperback – November 29, 2019 by Michelle Ayres and Carol Vivyan (Author)

Amazon.com

Thank you! I will have to check that book out. I'm always looking for good stuff to read like that.

It is not for reading only, it is for practice. I recommended it because if you look into it at Amazon, you will get an idea about if it is something you will put your effort and energy into.

I hate my mother! She's a monster. I'm always getting upset with her cause she's such a witch. I refuse to have anything else to do with her. She does something, and I fall into a dark depression. Today, I am angry. I'm sick of it. I will try to use REST to feel better. I wish I had a punching bag to hit. My therapist recommends screaming into a pillow. I'm just afraid my neighbors would hear me. I think I will play my game for a while. And have a drink.

Deilla,

I liked the screaming in the pillow! May be you can bind two or three pillows together and then punch them? Only a suggestion, am sure you will find your own way!

Thank you! I think I ended up reading some inspirational material. Yeah, that helped to soothe me. I am fine today. I kept my phone off for most of the day.

I'm fed up. I have three family members who have been ignoring my messages since yesterday. I must be a worthless piece of ****. Who deserves treatment like that? What did I do that was so wrong?

And my doctor is refusing to treat me anymore because I've canceled too many appointments. I canceled cause I was afraid of Covid. It doesn't matter. I am a low-life for not going to my appointments to his precious, perfect office. I'm the scum of the earth. I just need to fade away forever.

I will try to use REST and mindfulness. I just feel really bad and I feel all alone.

@TunedOut, thanks for your support. I appreciate it. I think I have found my purpose. For the past week I've returned to the work I used to do when I was employed. This time I'm working on my own projects and it's been fun. It's quite rewarding. It's keeping me busy and every day I think of something new to work on. Tomorrow I have lots more to do. I'm actually looking forward to a new day. I've worked so hard today, that I'm ready to relax this evening. But I feel really good. I hope things are well with you.