Snow storm, Ice Storm and parents

Snow Storm.... I hate you. and I hate myself. I have had far too much stress over the last year, but who hasn't. I several good things have happened, I thought things were good. Then I discovered a painful truth, one root of my depression, SHAME.

With the snowstorm, and an ear infection, my motivation has decreased, and depression increased. I've had far too many things "taken" from me, and I stopped trying to get what I want back. I'm lost!! I don't know what to do anymore. Or did I ever know...

I think about my childhood and the things I worked for helped me gain skills but none really stuck as an adult. The skills I learned were to shame myself and feel terrible guilt, which influenced me to be hospitalized far too many times.

My life is a mess!!!! I've got too much time on my hands, and I don't know what to do. And I don't feel like I want to do anything. Yet I'm unhappy and hating who I am and what I look like. And effort seems out of reach because I feel guilt over NOT spending time with my parents. I'm an adult for crying out loud.

I want to move out, but I'm keeping myself stuck by letting in the voices of my parents, and their behaviors. I need my own path, yet it's going into the unknown and I'm scared. Terrified of the reactions of my parents, of letting them down.. That I have forgotten how to truly live. and be happy with me. If I ever knew how?!