[Mountaindewed]

I'm pretty down today. My brother in law came over to do something or another and he is so excited about Christmas. And I'm not. I don't want to be a debbie downer though the whole time. I'm wondering if switching my shots back to every other week wasnt the greatest idea. Maybe I should contact my doctor and ask if every 1.5 weeks would be ok. I'm really struggling right now.

[SprinkL3]

I'm a mixed kinda depressed. I depressed about the situation that this world is in, and I'm depressed about how I've lost my purpose and have no future. I'm angry-depressed, anxious-depressed, suppressed-depressed, and proactively depressed (in other words, I'm managing my depression the best I can).

I don't really get SAD during the winter times; I love the cold, actually! Perhaps the scars on my arms and my obese body and 47-year-old-approaching-perimenopause-self are contributing to my liking cold seasons like fall and winter better than warmer seasons like spring and summer. I thought September was fall, but I found out that my particular birthday in September is still considered "summer." I hate summer. I can tolerate spring. But both seasons give me SAD - the spring and summer. So I'm the opposite. I still have SAD, but it's the opposite of most who get the blues during fall and winter.

I also love waking up super early - before most people wake up - like around 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. or sometime just before 4 a.m. I imagine getting ready for some mission, some project, or something else. I'd have the quiet of the night to wake up, eat, tidy up my apartment, plan my day, and then get started on my day. I typically check mail, get packages, dump trash, and dump recycling around these hours, and then I shower after that. I do so because that way I can remain as safe from lingering coronavirus in the shared airspaces of my apartment complex, as well as because I can avoid most neighbors during those hours. Once I'm done, I remove all my PPE, strip, wash my hands, wash my glasses, wash my hands again, shower, then change into clean/new clothes, groom, and retreat back to my safe bedroom (doors remain closed with two air purifiers inside), where I update my spreadsheets, socialize online like here, check email, and relax for a few hours before I decide what I can do for the remainder of the day. Most often than not, I'm indoors and not going out at all. That will eventually change when I start to walk outside every few days in the morning or afternoons, depending. I try to avoid the neighbors who stopped being my friend, over their wanting to be all antimask and what not, since running into them is tough. I'd prefer to live in a new building with strangers, so that if they want to antimask and avoid me, at least they wouldn't be my so-called former friends - who got along with me before the pandemic, but not after. And that's not my fault; it's just the way this pandemic has divided people. There's no way to unify people, because beliefs run deep, as does polarization. And this is a global issue, more so than a national or local one. That's why tribalism is back in social fashion these days.

I haven't found my tribe, so I'm super lonely. Loneliness is what I feel on top of depression. I think my loneliness causes my depression, but they are two very distinct feelings and states of being. With loneliness, it's both physical loneliness (living alone, being single, not having any close relationships), psychosocial loneliness (not feeling a sense of bonding with anyone, and even fearing closeness), and perceived loneliness (feeling like people just tolerate me instead of truly liking me). With depression, however, I don't need a reason to feel depressed sometimes. I can be depressed just for no reason at all but the way I'm feeling. It's hard to describe sometimes, especially since I dissociate and have mixed forms of depression.

[Rose76]

I was doing very well for quite a long interval. Today, though, my spirit is flagging.

I got the COVID booster shot weeks ago. Someone I hang out with has shown little interest in getting the 3rd shot. So I no longer hang out with her. So she has withdrawn and hasn't been calling me. This may signal the withering of our friendship. It's disappointing.

Also I'm tired of living in fear of COVID. But that beats getting sick with COVID.

[T4bbyCat]

Feeling the post-holiday, back-to-drudgery blues even before the holidays start in earnest, because I know it'll all be over in a snap. But if I ever manage to retire in peace, the post-holiday days should be just as good as any others... or so I'd hope.

[Mountaindewed]

I have the same holiday blues yet I'm trying not to be annoying about how I feel. I wish I could go back to work but its just not safe.

[SprinkL3]

I hope everyone here feels better. I've read the past few posts and can relate to feeling a little depressed with so many other mixed feelings.

I'm sorry if I sound judgmental or harsh in some of my other posts regarding this pandemic, but I'm just struggling with the people I know who have Covid and who might be spreading it if they go out before all their symptoms are gone. I don't live in their state, but I used to be their neighbor, so I worry about my friends who also live in the building, and I worry about my friend with Covid (though he refuses to get tested, so it's not confirmed).

[will19]

Today was a busy day for me. Did the laundry and shopping. After lunch I went on a long bike ride. When I got near to home, I got caught in the rain.

[Cocosurviving]

I joined a diabetes prevention program through my health insurance.

I received a food scale and jump rope in the box.

I feel, I have a good balance of looking at ingredients and reasonable portion sizes.

I don’t follow diet culture guidelines.

My struggles
I struggle with sweet cravings. It’s part of Hashimotos. I purchase smaller portions of sweets vs a whole pie or cake.

I struggle with staying motivated. When I experience flare ups, I take emergency medications for a period of time and sleep a lot from the medications. This triggers my depression. Constantly sleeping and feeling like I’m missing out on life.

It’s my goal to use the jump rope.

I’m going to purchase a backpack to keep my water with me. I like going walking

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[Deilla]

My mother is being hateful to me. It's very upsetting. I'm trying to be nice. She's such a *****. I give up. I won't talk to her tomorrow.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by Deilla

My mother is being hateful to me. It's very upsetting. I'm trying to be nice. She's such a *****. I give up. I won't talk to her tomorrow.

I am so sorry that you are struggling with a toxic, abusive mother. It must be hard having to deal with her throughout your entire life, including when you were maltreated (abused and neglected) as a child. It's very challenging to remain stuck in relationships like that over the years.

There were many times I had to just estrange myself from my family and go off the grid - completely incognito - for my own peace of mind. I'd try to do it during a non-holiday time, to make it more transitional than abrupt.

But with certain toxic relationships, there comes a time when you have to lay down an even stronger boundary and just write a letter, send a text, leave a message, and/or send an email to let them know that this relationship isn't healthy for you anymore, and that you need some time apart. You can also state in there how they hurt you recently, and how it's a pattern. You can state how you tried to love, offer second chances, etc., but that your physical and mental health are important, and that this relationship is affecting your physical and mental health. You can say that they are still in your thoughts and prayers, if that is what you concurrently feel (which is common to feel mixed like that with family or loved ones that have turned toxic), but that you need to sever a toxic relationship. You can state that after a given amount of time, you might be willing to reconnect if certain boundaries are in place and respected, but it may also be true that this is a clear break where you have no more contact with that person.

It's up to you to select what is best for you, as no one knows your situation. But I've heard so many people stuck in toxic relationships without realizing that they have the power to walk away, make a statement for closure (like sending a text or letter, etc., regardless if they read it or not), and find a better life with better relationships going forward.

((((safe hugs)))))

[Cocosurviving]

I’m looking forward to Kwanzaa. It’s not about being super happy, putting on a smile, gifts or eating….

It’s about gathering with my kids, remembering our ancestors that paved the way for us….

Connecting with those ancestors and not forgetting their sacrifices. Not forgetting old ways and continuing our roots….

Not forgetting how they came to this continent by force and violence.

Continuing to decolonize and stay connected to our ancestral roots, languages, values and principles.

I blog to brain dump, process, brainstorm and clear my thoughts, this is my method.

It’s important to not try to police others. I don’t share my feelings with certain people because they feel the need to try to fix things vs just listening and being supportive without giving unsolicited advice.

When my kids share something with me. I ask, “do you want me to just listen or would you like feedback, would you like my opinion?”

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[will19]

Today is about halfway over now. Christmas Eve & Christmas Day are not my favorite days. So far today, not bad. I went shopping early this morning and that went alright. The sun happened to be shinning at that time. Other than that, there have been some heavy rain showers. The rain showers are going to be around for a while.

So far very quiet at my place, which is fine with me. I hope it stays that way today and tomorrow. In a few minutes I'm going to do a little workout with music that I picked (no Christmas music!). I hope it makes me feel better.

[Rose76]

to everyone here.

[will19]

Woke up feeling very depressed. I got into an argument last night with the only friend I got over the phone. He hung up on me. So far this morning it's very gloomy with heavy drizzle. Pretty soon I'll do some cleaning and pick out music while I'm cleaning. I hope it will make me feel better. And I hope I can make it through this day, which is hard for a lot of people.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by will19

Woke up feeling very depressed. I got into an argument last night with the only friend I got over the phone. He hung up on me. So far this morning it's very gloomy with heavy drizzle. Pretty soon I'll do some cleaning and pick out music while I'm cleaning. I hope it will make me feel better. And I hope I can make it through this day, which is hard for a lot of people.

I hope you are able to feel better. I'm sorry you got into an argument with your only friend. That must be tough - esp. around the holidays.

We have snow here.

I'm alone, and I've had a few arguments myself lately - mostly with people I don't know too well online. I've limited my friendship circle in real life - ever since the end of 2020/beginning 2021, and I've been doing better ever since. I've done the same with family members, though a few of them I've maintained contact with just to stay in the loop. Those are more bittersweet relationships than my friendships with non-family members. I get along better with non-family.

I hope you are able to make new friends in 2021. Perhaps you need to find friends who are more in line with your politics and other belief systems. That helps the most. It's called "tribalism," I think. There are some interesting articles if you google them. Some discuss the positives about tribalism, especially during times when we are so polarized. It offers more validation, fewer arguments, etc. The problem occurs when you have mixed beliefs, multiple cultural practices, and/or are politically moderate or centrist; it's much harder to find people in this group than those who are strictly on the right or the left, or those who are more orthodox than others these days. Whatever your beliefs or practices, I hope you are able to find your center, your purpose, and your tribe! They are out there! Don't give up!

(PS: I'm more of a centrist democrat, but I still lean very left. I say this to anyone, no matter their political affiliation. Some of my more moderate republican family members are still somewhat close to me. They vaccinate, since they work in healthcare fields, and they boost, too, but they are more conservative on other things. I am also a multiracial person, so my culture is very mixed and very agnostic, when compared to my more orthodox family members. My friends tend to be democrat or centrists republicans who vaccinate and believe in some forms of equity. I used to be an unaffiliated independent, which is truly my political leaning. But these times bring about polarized compromises and more political game-playing, sadly.)

[will19]

This day is only halfway over now. So far not bad but not real great either, if you know what I mean. My friend called me this morning to apologize about last night, so that lifted my spirits.

Spent the morning cleaning my place. That's about it. So far it's been very quiet at my place. I hope it stays that way. No hoo-haas or lots of banging going on, which is nice for a day like this for me.

[T4bbyCat]

Best holiday wishes to all! Hard to believe it's once again almost over.

Is that sniffle just allergies, a cold, or COVID? Should I get tested? That's what passes through my mind... just a reminder that we might not be going back to normal on this!

[Deilla]

Today has been horrible. I'm all alone. I'm sad. I missed my Christmas event. My mom ignored me. I cried several times today. It's time to go to bed and end this day.

[Buffy01]

I been feeling really depressed lately especially over the holidays

[will19]

Felt like I was in a funk this morning. It was more like an anxiety funk than a depression one. I'm feeling like I have some anxiety about the new year coming up.

This afternoon I took a three hour bike ride. It was a nice, brisk day to go out. Nothing much else to report about. It seems like the communications from others to me have been silent.