I've hit rock bottom...again

I've hit a rough spot over the last couple of weeks and it only seems to be getting worse. Depression is just one of my problems, but it seems that when it flares up, the other things get worse too - especially the anxiety and the ADD. Oddly enough, my OCD seems to get better during depression but I think it's mainly because I don't have the energy to be compulsive as I normally am - don't feel like my ritual cleaning, etc.

Anyway, it started shortly after the beginning of the year. At first I attributed it to SAD since we've had just cold and very little sunshine here. But now I'm starting to scare myself. I'm just not happy and I worry about every little thing. The world is just so unpromising - between the war, the economy, the mud-slinging with the elections...it just seems like it's the end of the world as we know it and there's no hope in sight.

I can't focus on anything. Luckily at my job I am sort of in the background and no one really knows what I do so if I wander off in my mind during the day, nobody really cares. I have a strong desire to go back to my addictive nature - mainly alcohol now since it's the only thing I can get legally. I've started closet smoking again and I really don't care if it's bad for me. I actually sometimes wish I would get some illness. In a way, I feel like that would validate my pain - kind of like the depression isn't enough to claim as a valid source of pain.

This all with the ongoing saga of whether or not I was abused as a child (long story, but I can't get anyone to tell me the truth although deep down inside I know it's true) - this all really has my mind cluttered and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My husband has been sort of supportive, but I don't feel like I can truly unload to him. He's the only friend I have. I do go to therapy with a LCSW once a month - self pay since insurance doesn't cover it. And my insurance only covers 50% of mental health and the only accepting providers are an hour away.

I'm also frightened that they will try to put me back on meds. I've been med free (except for Klonopin for the anxiety and herbal remedies) for about 5 years now and I don't want to go back on them. I thought I was stronger and that I'd had it beat but now I'm not so sure.

I guess I'm not really looking for any solutions - I'm just looking to unload to people who can truly understand how debilitating this can be. Kind of morbid, but it does help to validate the pain and suffering when you know that there are others who have been there and understand. But I could sure use some words of encouragement if you have any to spare

Thanks for listening!

Rough spots are just that. ROUGH SPOTS. you will get throught this one. Ive been in that spot unfortunately many times in my life. But maybe meds arent such a bad thing? imho, if it takes a pill to help me rationalize, its well worth the money ive spent. Aside from that. you are validated, like my mom said, theres no degrees of pain, and whos pain is worse because of what. it just is...its pain, physical, mental, pain. And im so sorry you are struggling. But know that im online and here to chat if you need to.

Meds dont mean you are not strong. they are to help us in bad times.....

I hope this helps. thinking about you.
Colleen

I've been dealing with similar stuff lately. I haven't been able to go to classes because I've been so depressed and anxious, and it feels like the entire world is going to implode on itself any second. I can't seem to get anything done, and I'm beyond frustrated with feeling this way. I'm not sure I'm one to offer advice, so if nothing else, I hope it helps knowing you're not the only one in the mess.

Sincerely,
b

{{misty}}

I'm just getting worse as the day goes on.

My husband is now angry at me because of several things - one is that I can't let the childhood abuse thing go. He thinks I should just put it behind me but it's so much easier to say that than to do it. He blames my family for being so heartless as to not be truthful with me. And when I asked to go visit them alone without him, he got very resentful asking me if I was going to meet some ex-boyfriend. It's hard enough dealing with the depression - I don't need the jealousy and control thing too.

I've often thought lately of hurting myself. But there's just a little spark in me that doesn't want to. I am having a really hard time not reverting back to my addictions. I am smoking again to try and curtail some of the harder addictions. I'm not sure how long that will last. I really, really want to drink and worse. I guess what I have going for me is that I don't know where to get anything other than alcohol anymore. But something has to take the edge off before I do something extreme.

I could put in for a leave of absence at work but I don't know why. I can't stay at home because I won't get any better there. I don't really need rehab - I'm not to that point plus I couldn't afford it anyway. I've lost interest in almost everything and I really don't know where to turn.

I really, really hate this. Why are we cursed with this disease? I mean, all of us here are good people. Why do we have to suffer so much?

(((((((((((( misty ))))))))))))

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misty324 said:I really, really hate this. Why are we cursed with this disease? I mean, all of us here are good people. Why do we have to suffer so much?

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I have asked that so many times...what comes back to me are two things...you may think I am crazy or what not, but this is just a thought or two...forgive me if it doesn't make since, it is late and i took my meds wayyyyyyyyyyyy early yet still can't sleep...

one answer is: this is a test, this too shall pass and i will have lived and learned through another crisis. God never gives you more than you can handle...you may stumble n fall or crawl and seem to claw at the edges and never make it up it seems, but there is a rainbow behind the dark cloud holding you down....deep breath and focus on myself...something nice...

answer two: why me? what did i do that was sooooo wrong?? that thinking is flawed and I know it is but i still think it and i hate being like this,,,not much I can do besides remember to breathe and wait for the sun to come out again and be able to move...

I hope you are ok melanie

((((Misty)))))...I can so relate...the economy, elections and the constantly hearing "bad news" is also flaring up my anxiety/depression...I haven't been diagnosed as OCD, but I'm sure I am as have on and off obsessions. I have been obsessing over my finances because of all the bad news...but the thing is that my anxiety has always made me a very frugal person as one of my biggest fears has always been loosing it all....so, although I'm more then okay financially, I'm fretting big time. I have turned off from watching the news in the past two days, to try to tone down my anxiety. I hope just knowing that many of us are on the same boat as you can bring you a little peace. I will hold you in my prayers!

sorry your having a hard time misty. maybe it's the time of year,maybe it is the news as someone else mentioned but we know it all comes around. i can snap at any moment and wondered what happened. that's when the house isn't cleaned, clothes not washed, dishes in sink and i'm going to be inspected this thursday. man , how lucky can i get. so i know your pain and confusion and it will pass, i will be thinking of you, pj56