[darkpurplesecrets]

this early morning hour I sit here feeling so depressed and not even sure how to put it in words or if there are any words to say. I feel like my world is crashing down around me and I cannot breath.

So many things going through my mind, and I wonder if there are answers anywhere. If anyone really hears what I try so hard to say. Where so many voices say so much that I cannot make out what it is that is pulling at me so hard.

Maybe part of it is that a couple days ago was our B-day, and again for the thirty some years, I heard nothing from my family. Just because my parents were not good parents--they were still my parents. And they could just send out a cheap B-day card or I know they could get my number from my sister and call.

It is not because I want to hear from them because I do not--it is just the principle of the whole thing. My sisters and brothers never said happy B-day. Is it so bad just wanting to be recognized on your B-day.

I was told last year when one of my family members found out I was here that no one here would love me like her and my family. That no one really cared here. Maybe they don't, but at least People here care enough to share a hug or love, or at least are there.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would care or notice if I was gone. I really feel the answer there is no. It would hurt my children and I would not want to hurt anyone--but would they care? Even before I made my move, no one came to see me unless they wanted something.

I am withdrawing and this I know. I am shutting down and afraid. Is this okay to say--I do not know, but it is how I feel. These feelings cause me to feel even worse about myself and I really do not need help in that department.

Some days are better than others and I can hide what I am feeling pretty good as I have had years of practice in doing so. Others inside give me away at times. I am afraid I am going to start hiding away from everyone.

I think about things that I should not think about--things that I keep to myself. And I try to hide this. It comes from deep inside farther than anyone knows. Farther than even I myself know.

I am always afraid that everyone will leave me. That I am not important. People always leave. And then once again, I am there with just myself and those within me. And a family that says they love me yet never do I hear from them.

Why am I even writing this? For I really do not know. I am not even sure it makes any sense at all. I feel silenced today except these words coming from within. My heart is heavy and I am afraid. Even as I write this, my heart feels like it is on its last beat.

Sadness fills me and whether that is okay or not, it is true. You see in the papers and you hear on the news everyday about children being abused somehow--some not making it. Yet, somehow when I talk of mine--I am evil. I am filled with evil. How can this be?

It hurts me when my sister says I am faking and do not have others within. When I am told I need to forgive yet I wonder where that forgiveness is within others towards me. I find it hard as I look within and I have tried to deniegh those within myself and it only causes chaos and a headache that will not go away.

I often want to write so much but stop short of the words so I will not say too much. What is too much? I do not even know. Inside I am hurting, more than I ever have. More than I even want anyone to know--or is that true and that is why I am here tonight? Maybe the simple truth is I am scared to be alone. And maybe typing here I feel a sense of someone.

I am not meaning to talk in a way that is veg but I do not know the words to say other than I am scared of this place I am in within myself and I am scared of the thoughts that keep running throughout me. Maybe I just want to belong somewhere, to be loved for once, to be heard and understood.

Maybe just maybe someone will hear me and understand something I have said. I am sorry if this makes no sense. I just hurt and I am running. It is something coming from within--and I wonder if it will ever end??

cami

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( cami ))))))))))))))


We really do care here, (wish I could say more )

love you,
Fuzzy

((((cami))))))

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((fuzzybear))))

Just knowing you are there makes a big difference and means so much more than you know. Thank you for your thoughts they mean so much. I am hanging in there as well as I can. I love you.

cami

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((muffy))))

Thank you for the hug. I really needed it right then. You are so kind and I am glad to know you. Stay sweet and I hope you have a wonderful day.

cami

i hope you do too and thank you
(((cami)))))

[agony007]

(((((((cami))))))))))you will make it through this. i am have confidence in you.

[Doh2007]

Happy Birthday!! You are important and everything you say matters.

[recluse1]

(((((cami)))))) Depression has a way of convincing us that we are worthless, unloveable, and that we are all alone in the world.

But, thank God, that is so untrue. You are loved so very much. You have many, many people here that care about you. You are a wonderful person with a big heart. You are not invisible. And you do not go unheard.

We love you, we hear you, and we care about you!