I need some encouragement.

Wow awesome job Rose!!!

My thoughtful sister called today. We had a nice and a long chat. After that, I had trouble focusing on anything. Like my mind got too stimulated.

So I feel like I'm wasting the day. Taking the tree down made a bigger mess than when it was up, but that's part of the process. I'll put it in storage tomorrow.

Right now I feel so unsettled. I think I might just go to the store for groceries. I have to get milk and bread and other basics.

I don't feel well, mentally, but I'm telling myself to just keep trying to go forward.

It will probably be good to get out. I have to get out often or my mood sails downward. My husband is very good about that in general.

I got the groceries, and it is comforting to have what I want in the kiitchen.

Usually I really enjoy any kind of shopping. This evening, I could feel my eyes watering at the store. I felt so bad. I'll eat now. That will help.

I better get things done tomorrow.

I'm in bed. When I go into the living room, I can't face the mess. I come back into the bedroom.

I'm getting worse, instead of better.

I thought of drawing a bath. If I got in the tub, at least I would be out of the bed.

This is awful. This bad feeling is stuck all over me, and I can't scrape it off.

Rose is a wonderful person

What's awful is knowing what I should do and just not doing it.

I don't know how I'm going to get out of this. It's not going to blow over. It's gone on too long.

*leaves a mountain size of love in here to help Rose*

It's been a bad day. I just took a shower, crying while I did. That's all I did today.

My purpose here is to get through this depressive episode and end this thread with a post saying I'm back to normal. I am not here to go on singing the blues forever. Everyone has been generous and patient. Thank you all for being so nice.

Always my "episodes" blow over, after a time. Maybe 10 days. Maybe 2 weeks. Not 2 months plus, like this. I'm horrified. I'm thinking of telling my provider (a P.A.) that this is just getting worse. I hate to do that. I figure she'll just be thinking, "What do you think I can do about it?" She agreed to increase my antidepressant.

I don't need to go inpatient. Maybe talking to someone would help. That's not easy to get.

I know the whole problem is that I stay alone in my apartment way too much. I'm not forgetting the suggestion that I go to the community center near me and see what's going on there. I know the longterm solution is for me to find where I can go to be involved in something with other people. I did join a gym. I just haven't gone.

I think I know what I have to do. Somehow I got stuck, like my foot got caught in a trap, and I'm not moving to do anything I should do.

Something's got to give because this is too awful.

I love your posts Rose, they make me feel less alone.

If I express things that others feel, I'm sorry anyone else goes through this, but it helps me to hear that others know what I'm going through.

I guess that's one of the things I'm looking for, here in the forums - a sense that what I struggle with is not something strange and just belonging to me. Depression is part of the human experience. When I hear others describe going through depression, it often sounds so familiar. I think being too much alone is the cause of a lot of it. With how crowded the planet is, it seems it shouldn't take so much effort to find a bit of company.

You are definitely not on your own in this @Rose76.

We all need to vent / offload at times and this is a good place to do it. Where others will understand and hopefully make you feel not so alone with it all.

Unfortunately there are no time limits to how long a depressive episode can last. It's just a case of putting one foot in front of the other until it passes. It is one thing knowing what you should do, it is quite another actually being able to do it, so don't beat yourself up if you aren't able to use all your coping skills right now. You will, when you are ready.

Kind thoughts, E.

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@East17 - Thank you. I am starting to wonder if I'll ever get out of this. It's been an awful long, dark tunnel. I don't see the light.

Your post feeds me a little hope.

If I can just get going in the morning and put away Christmas decorations and straighten up the living room. Seeing the house all disorganized makes me feel like I'm a mess too. When I manage to get some chore done, I improve a significant amount . . . at least for a little while. Though I do relapse quickly, until I can make myself do something else. At least I got clean today . . . and shampood my hair and styled it.

If worse comes to worse, I could hire a professional organizer that I've worked with in the past. It's $60/hr. But she does get things straightened out quickly. I really would rather conserve my money and put things away myself. I should be able to.

Mornings have been bad. It's so hard to get up. Tomorrow I have to get that tree out to the closet. I should just donate it. I only just bought it last year. Looks so pretty up. 700 branches. I'm glued to the bed the first half of the day. Or I get as far as the sofa and stay there for hours. I wake up dragging a ball and chain.

It's 4 a.m. and I've been awake the last two hours. I'm feeling so heart broken and sad. I'm just weeping silently and shaking from sobbing. I wonder will this end? I'm just going out of my mind with sadness and grief.

I don't know what to do. I need someone to help me, but I don't know where to go. This is so painful.

Hi Rose, I’m really sorry that you are suffering so much right now, but please keep posting.

None of us expects a post from you saying that you’re better now and a conclusion to your thread, in my experience that’s not how these things work.

Keep reaching out, even if just here for now, people need people, we’re social animals.

How are you doing now? Is there anything that might distract you, a TV show, movie?

After my last post, I fell back asleep. Just woke up. Still tired. I'll sleep some more. Then see what I can get done. I'll be ok.

Hi Rose, Did you have a good nap? Remember don't beat yourself up. Just make small goals. I wish there were some way I could take this load off you so you could catch your breath.

Could you drive yourself to a pretty spot and take it in? Just a thought.. As you can see still people are here to support you.

Thank you. My goal is to get dressed and put my Xmas tree away. Once I start that, I'll probably want to do more.

I'm procrastinating. Still in bed. TV on. My excuse is I'm waiting for my apartment to warm up. This is a drafty old place. It takes hours in the morning to get the temp up because I shut off the furnace at night. I hate the heat on when I'm in bed. Our climate is mild. 38°F now.

I got a message on fb from a distant relative who wants us to chat by phone soon. I promised her I would. Funny. This whole mess I'm in started with me not getting a phone call that I expected to get. I guess I had too many eggs in that one basket. It's time to branch out in more directions. It's bad to be dependent on just a few people for emotional sustenance.

It would do me good to drive somewhere nice.

Thanks folks for sticking around.

We're all here for you, Rose

The Christmas tree is neatly, carefully stowed away. My place looks so different. I continued cleaning my livingroom, which is very big for an apartment. I gained back some self-respect. Tomorrow morning I won't feel so bad. I have some hope now that I can get it all together. Thanks for rooting for me.

Watching the prez. Rest well my friends.