I need some encouragement.

@Rose76 sometimes relapsing is part of the progress. I relapse all the time. Don't be yourself up. I'm glad you reached out for support!

I feel sick physically now. But I think mental stress is behind it. My eyes are very sore. Two optometrists saw me and said it will go away. Now I have intestinal cramping. I was real sick this past summer with diverticulitis. I was septic. It was awful. The GI specialist told me to avoid stress.

I feek like I need something to calm me down. I'm going back to bed. I'm trying to care for myself.

I'm getting sick. Nausea. Simething's wring with me.

I am sick, physically. I guess that will take my mind off of being depressed.

I think I'm getting diverticulitis again. In Dec I had an attack like this, but it blew over in one day. I hope this will. I feel very sick.

*sends a huge pile of loves to Rose using Forum Express delivery

Hi Rose

I am here! You may PM me anytime. I am not the best sleeper so its not unusual to check in at odd hours. I am on the East coast. Rose I see that maybe you are physically ill and that can also lower your mood. Give your body some rest as if I remember you had just started exercise. I know I don't feel good with my mood for different reasons so I try to keep track so I don't drop into the mental abyss. So not good there as we know. Are you keeping your environment neat? I remember you saying that straightening up helped your mood. At these times it is hard to think of what helps so I keep a list on the side of my fridge to help me.

Do you have some favorite music to listen to? I will make sure to check in few couple more times t onight

@Rose76 please stop beating yourself up. It sounds as though you are physically unwell and also suffering depression wise. They will each have an effect on the other. It is not wrong to ask for a bit of emotional support when feeling as low as you are right now. If people don't feel able to respond they won't, and if they do respond it's because they want to and because they care.

I hope you can give yourself some grace. We all support others here when we can, and we all need that support ourselves at times too.

I hope you feel better soon.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Thanks for all posts above. I'm doing better physically thanks to soaking in the tub.

My apt is topsy-turvey. Plumbing work was done in the kichen. New water heater put in. I have to put stuff back. It can wait.

Getting physically sick has made me feel I need to not expect much of myself tonight. I do think my GI issues and psych issues are aggravating each other. I feel like asking for help at my clinic. But I know the drill. They'll say, "What is it you think we can do for you?"

My clinic is affiliated with a big psych facility that does both inpatient and outpatient. The whole system is state university operated. The psych part is pretty awful.

I have no direct access to an MD. My primary is a physician's assistant. She's nice, but she told me once that she's not really there to handle psych issues.

I think I need to talk to a doctor about how I'm getting overwhelmed by my combination of physical and psych problems. No such doctor is available to me.

Last month, a medical assistant did a depression screening eval on me. I don't know why they bother. I was saying I had wordening depression. She just kept typing my answers. Then it just gets put in a file.

I went to see a surgeon because the gastroenterology clinic thought I needed major surgery. At the surgery clinic the M.A. did an alcohol abuse screening eval with me. They do that on everyone over and over. I have no history of alcohol or drug abuse. Next time I'm going to say I drink a quart of vodka and a fifth of bourbon every day . . . just to see what happens. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone because no one will listen.

Sits one an. Gonna try tosleep.
Blessing vs for a good nivht!

I thought last night would never end. I kept waking up. Now I have to face today. I will take it hour by hour.

I got over the physical sickness. That's something to be grateful for. I'll eat light today.

That sounds very frustrating, it sounds like you really do need a full consultation with a doctor, I do sympathise, it’s similar here.

Sorry I haven’t posted on here in a while, I haven’t been on top form myself, but please don’t think it’s because I or anyone else doesn’t care, we do.

@Discombobulated - thanks for your post. I appreciate you taking the time to visit my thread. You've been more than generous with support. I don't expect constant reassurance from everyone. This thread has gone on way longer than I envisioned originally.

I do need to have a sit-down with my primary care provider or one of her associates. I'm on psych medication (amitriptyline - tricyclic antidepressant), so they have a responsibility to assess and be aware that I'm struggling right now. My PCP is not a psychiatrist, but she is the person prescribing my psychotropic med. I have a right to expect her to be taking some interest in how I'm doing mentally. I sure don't bother her much about my psych issues.

@Discombobulated - I hope you are finding a way to enhance your own wellbeing. I do realize that probably everyone who posts here is dealing with a mental health challenge that can make just getting through the day hard.

I had a sobbing melt-down a little while ago. I'm calmer now. I think I keep coming to this thread to pour out my anguish because I haven't found where else to go. It's starting to dawn on me that I shouldn't be going through threw this with zero support from my healthcare providers. I know there's no magic fix. No silver bullet. Just having my provider listen and care would mean a lot.

These sobbing sessions seem to get started by unusual anxiety. I would like to get some Ativan. After my boyfriend died in 2020, there was some Ativan left over that hospice had brought. I found it helped me calm down, when I would have a bad spell of grief, where I got crying and couldn't stop. I flew with his body to NYC. There was a layover to change planes in Dallas. I had been ok. Then, when walking through the Dallas airport to switch planes, I got this "attack." I could feel myself almost becoming hysterical. It was grief and depression and anxiety mixed together. Plus I was totally alone. I took 3 Ativan pills. (Each was 0.5 mg.) In 25 minutes I was much, much better. It didn't numb me ti my grief. Not at all. But it allowed me to calm down, collect myself and believe that "I can get through this." I knew I had to get to my plane. I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Doctors/providers are very slow to give out benzos these days. That's as it should be. But there is a time and a place when they are helpful. Not so I can go numb and zone out, but so I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I am going to give myself permission to not do a lot today . . . other than what might make me feel better.

@Rose76 I like how you said that you are going to give yourself permission to not do a lot today...other than what might make you feel better. This is good self care. I'm happy to hear it. I have been thinking of taking a mental health day soon myself so I know that sometimes we need a break. I hope you can be gentle with yourself today. HUGS kit

Rose, that is almost exactly what i said to my therapist and my p-doc who then gave ne xanax - that i couldnt take a step without crying. I dont know how thar stuff works, but it is a miracle.

@unaluna - Wow. I'm glad you've told me that.

I know life involves emotional pain, grief, sadness, yearning for what's lost. I expect to feel all those things, and I have. What I'm going through is not the normal difficulty of living in this world. This is too much, and it's incapacitating me from doing what I need to get done.

I need to get this stress lifted a little.

I looked at facebook just now. They showed me a video I had taken of a snowstorm back 4 years ago. (You know how they show you your memories. Only you can see it.) I just captured the snow falling outside the door. In the background I could hear the TV playing. My boyfriend would have been in his recliner watching TV. I've been sobbing since.

I have to go eat something. Then maybe go out of the apartment.

I found some Depakote in my medicine drawyer. It was 3 years old and leftover from when I went inpatient after my boyfriend died. They discharged me with a pile of drugs that filled up a wicker basket. None of the stuff helped back then. I must have thrown away most of them. So I started taking the Depakote to see if it would calm down my anxiety.

It seems to help me sleep. The pills are 250 mg.

I'm back in a dark tunnel. I tell myself this can't last for ever. No appetite. Yesterday all I ate was Cup of Noodles and glass of milk. Day before, I ate almost nothing. Usually I have no trouble eating.

So sorry @Rose76. Gentle hugs if wanted, Kit

I messaged my Primary to please consider ordering Ativan for me. I would rather have asked her in person, but I can't get in to see her until April. I'll be shocked if she actually orders it.

I need some relief from this fretfulness and sense of dread. I've got all these GI problems with bleeding ulcers. I was just over for intravenous iron because, apparently, I'm leaking red blood cells. Being in this mental state is not doing my gut any good. They need to look at me holistically.

I just went to the eye doctor. I had more errands to run, but just came right home instead. I felt too anxious and agitated to go do anything else. My house is all untidy, but I'm just staying on the couch, trying to stop being all keyed up. I haven't even been filling up my bird feeders.

I hate this feeling of being all fretful inside. Years ago, I probably would have popped some pop corn and cracked open a few beers. Then I'ld find a movie. After 2 or 3 beers, I wouldn't have a care in the world. Then I'ld play my favorite CDs and take a nap. Now I don't have much interest in any drinking at all. Plus I worry it will get my ulcer bleeding.

I just want to feel normal again. Now I just have to cry. What is wrong with me?

I hope you can get the care you need soon. I know the anxiety and crying really takes it out of you.

Thank you.

I do need some help. I really don't get any psych help at all . . . just a prescription for my antidepressant that I've been on for decades. I did all that psych stuff in the past for years. I went to therapists. I saw pdocs who tried me on all kinds of different meds. I figured out that I just had to live my life as best I could. I have depressive episodes where I feel bad. But they blow over and life goes on. I try to take care of my responsibilities. I don't bother anyone. I'm alone now, and I've adjusted to that over the past 3 years.

Back, a month after my boyfriend died, I went through a serious depression. I asked for help from the psychiatrist at my primary clinic. He basically blew me off. Luckily a small psych hospital took me in for a week. It helped me a lot. The other patients there were very kind to me. We cheered each other up. The staff were nice.

Now, for some reason, I'm not doing well mentally. I tell them at my clinic, and I might as well be talking to some potted plants. The least little expression of concern would make me feel I've got some backup.

I heard back from my primary. I had messaged her that I was having worsening problems with depression and anxiety. She said she could refer me to the clinic psychiatrist. I told her to go ahead.

I was seeing this psychiatrist back in 2020. I didn't like him at all, so I stopped going to him. He was just prescribing me some Rtalin. He was one of the worst doctors I've ever met. He seemed totally uninterested in his work. He seemed completely uncaring. He's elderly and seems to put no energy into his work. I wish it were someone other than him.

I have felt so desperately awful today. I worry that my mind's going to snap, and I'm never going to be ok again. Putting up with feeling bad is made bearable when you see it as a temporary situation. (Like sitting in the dentist's chair, listening to the drill.) I tell myself this can't just go on and on. But I've been trying to believe that for months now.

I know what I need to be doing, if I could just calm down enough to do things. Yesterday, it took so long to wash a few dishes. I couldn't stay at the sink more than 5 minutes. I'ld do a little, then go sit down, then come back and do a little more. Now I'm in bed just trying to calm down. The depression was bad enough, but this agitated anxiety on top of it is crushing.

I think about caling one of my sisters. I live alone, and they are far away. But one has been very thoughtful, since my boyfriend died. They both were. Then I stopped hearing from one. I hate to bother my other sister. She tries so hard to do what she can. People don't want to hear too much about depression because it makes them feel helpless. I was planning to visit her in May. I want to be well when I make that trip.

I know what's wrong. I'm completely alone. That's not new, and I've been coping with it just fine. I don't know what happened where something snapped inside me.

There is a lady I hire sometimes to help me clean my place. I could consider doing that. With her here, I could get caught up. When my environment is in order, I feel much better.