I MUST NOT do what I love

There are not many neurologists here. I will go to check up to the previous one next week so I will see. Just to mention, all these doctors were recommended to me by doctors who I personally know (kind of family friends who had/have first hand experience).
And really, the results today were clear

The doctor didn’t tell you anything, Jak? It’s clear that your hand is hurting and something happens. What do your parents say?

I’m glad your nature has nothing to do with giving it up. I clap you.

Cool. Let’s see what (s)he can tell you.

I lost capacity of hearing on my right ear. I hear worse on it. The tests showed nothing. I didn’t look for a diagnosis or any other doctor because I’m fine. But, it’s clear my right ear is not fine. Sometimes, tests are not precise. I’d encourage you to look for doctors who can provide you with tools to rehabilitate your hand.

He told me that it's not a neurological problem, my nerves are good. That's all...
My hand hurts more and more. I have done extensive research online and concerning my sypmtoms, it's either a heart attack, a stroke or something neurological. Think about it, I'd be dead by now if a heart attack or stroke lasted for two month...

Yeah, I know it should be good. But you know, it feels more depressing that I really am worth things I want in life, but no matter that I have positive approach and thinking when trying, know my strengths and so on... They seem not to be destined to me

So, they don’t know a $hit. It’s frustrating, isn’t it? Keep going. Go to that first doctor. Let’s see what (s)he says.

I’m not seeing now a positive approach. Sorry to tell you.
You keep saying you’re positive but I’m not seeing it.
I know you have too much to offer and you say you keep positive but I’m not seeing it.
It seems as you think something is against you. And there’s a negative force as your fate.

I told you about mindfulness and you said it didn’t work for you. Mindfulness works for everybody. It’s a philosophy and a way to face life no matter if the physical world are going well for you. It’s not a safe win to win ticket. It’s a way to cope with struggles.

I didn’t see you positive in regards to that town you don’t like. Why you don’t like? There’s something to love in each single place of this world.

Sorry to tell you. And you can now ask for deleting my messages as other members do when they think I’m not being supportive, I’m already used to.
This is me. And I say what I see. I know how much you’re suffering. Everyone can see it. Life is sometimes a bit$.

It is... I'm very curious what she will say.

Okay, I admit, you can't see that. Your point is valid. But there is a real reason why I seem not positive at all here. It is because, in this forum, I search for support and pieces of advice. If you saw me in my daily life, you'd definitely prove that I am positive when I am around other people, for example. But I understand it's hard to feel it here, where people want to deal with their issues.
I have some experience when people said (usually to other people and they told me) that it was fun chatting to me, a cheerful guy in a good mood who has interesting things to say. And I was actually struggling around those times, but thinking positively in such occasions.

Maybe I didn't write it correctly. I don't think there is something against me, it rather feels that nothing in my life reflects my effort. I know life isn't fair, but at least one of those things I care about would be nice.

Yes, I understood what you meant with mindfulness. I may look into it again, but I can't rely now that it will work as a coping mechanism.

I'm not sure about which town you are writing. If it's the town close to my home, I don't like it because I don't feel safe there, people are often hostile when you come for their service, the traffic is awful... And since I'm abroad, I don't have time to spend it at the very few places which are better.
If it's the town where I should attend a concert in two months, it is a beautiful city, but I don't like overcrowded streets, you always have to be very careful about pickpockets. And I was there so many times on vacations that I don't enjoy it anymore.
And to both of them applies that I don't like big citties.

No, don't delete those, you are supportive in some way. Despite not finding anything what could help me actually solve my problems, I appreciate that you reply to me and you actually try to understand what's happening.

I understand you. In all you said about the city not being safe (I didn’t know) and about what you said about how you seem here pessimistic but it’s not your natural attitude.

Noone can solve other people’s problems, of course. I’d wish we could.

It seems you’ve tried many things to meet new people, joying to activities and you don’t give it up.
I read your most recent post about doing physical exercise and all. You’re not gonna have such a bad luck for another twenty years, do you know that, don’t you? No way with that active attitude.

I hope my bad luck will change, that's probably all I can reply to this post.

Hi Azul, I have some news.
Still, I haven't got new appointment for my hand, but yesterday, I felt as if something cracked there and new pain was created, which is unbearable now.

I start to feel neglected by my last friend. She found a boyfriend during the summer so she spends time with him, that's fine. She also is a busy person, I acceot that. But she goes to cinema or hangs out with her friends regularly, but never finds time to eat out or go for coffee with me. She never replied fast to my messages, but now it's too slow.
Also, new people I meet just don't want to socialize (some of them told me directly)...

So again, things I care about just get f***ed up...

My god, I’m sorry a lot. You must be very disappointed. Life’s sometimes a bitc$.
Your poor hand! I guess it hurts as hell. You were right. Medical System there is slow. Sooner or later weren’t they able to give you a f. appointment? I can’t believe it. Are you in a waiting list or something?

I’m just guessing in relation to your friend. Maybe, she’s not being neglectful on purpose. She will probably feel uncomfortable because she knows you are into her and maybe she’s also trying to keep some distance for your own well-being.
But, I understand it hurts. Surely, you are feeling jealousy. It’s a horrible feeling.
It happened to me when one of my coworkers and I were flirting and at the same time, he kept silence at him being with another of my coworkers. He was feeling some kind of period of doubts and I then understand he likes to flirt and hook with many women.
When he knew I was going out with another guy, it doesn’t stop him from trying to sleep with me. Of course, I kicked him out. But, in the meantime, before meeting my current partner, by the way the same guy I was going out then with, meanwhile I went through a period of lack of confidence and I admit that I was pretty jealousy.

I’m sorry a lot, Jak. I put myself in your shoes and …

Yeah, it definitely is. Life is never fair, I know that, but seems to me that it has never given me anything pleasant.
Well, I have an appointment on Thursday, but that is a consultation after last results. It is appointment at neurologist, but since the only thing I know is that this is not a neurological problem, the appointment makes no snese. Now, I need to go to my GP again because he sends me to the specialist. That's the appointment I don't have. Well, I also don't know what other doctor should I see, but I expected the previous to like suggest something...

I'm curious about my studies with the hand because midterms are comming and I cannot write. I also don't want to interrupt my studies and I don't think I even can because I don't have a diagnosis. I handle the knowledge which is not tha teasy, but I cannot work on assignments and that's what counts (not what you know, but what you don't do). I may have serious problem at university because of this f***ing issue...

About me being into her, we talked it through several months ago (just to emphasize, she was single by then) and then, we continued communicating as friends pretty well. I got over it, it's in the past, and she knows that very well, so I suppose this is not the reason for not even texting me.
I haven't thought that I'm jealous. I don't know the people she meets, so I don't think I can be jealous of them. She has been behaving as a good friend although we haven't known each other for a very long time and she has always been busy. So I rather don't know what to think.
But it really hurts. I experienced such situations in the past and it was horrible. Well, now it includes a person who has been a better friend than the people who did this to me in the past, so I really don't want to know how it could hurt.

I don't think I know where I should actually meet new people since any activity is unavailable because of the hand and people I meet at places I visit regularly don't want to dedicate their time for meeting again.

Well, I suggest you not to put yourself in my shoes. Although last week was fine and I am mentally set up for positive changes, not even a chance for those occurs...

I talk from my ignorance but still I think that she might be able to do things more comfortable to you.
I cut off contact and keep distance with a person because of his well-being. Nonetheless, we are now in contact again, just as friends. Give her a time.

I understand what you mean, but it would be strange in this case. She also found someone and it's not the first time something like this happened to me so we both know it's left in the past. Besides, if this would be the case, I think she wouldn't have stayed in contact with me in past few months, she would have behaved this way sooner. We actually have been in contact as friends, as you mention. That's what I kind of don't know what to think about.

Now, I'm actually more curious about what I've written about my studies. I still don't know how I can pass midterms in two/three weeks since I can't write. One of them is a math analysis course, so you just have to write.

I know it. I know now your priority is your career but I don’t know what I can tell you about it.
I’d wish I could tell you what you could do. It’s a complicated situation.
I could tell you but it would be very far from what you want to do.
It’s pointless and meaningless. It would be no help.

I understand. Well, for now, I'd like to be able to write.

I'm just sitting on a train after I had an appointment at the neurologist. Well, at least she could have written recommendations for magnetic resonance and for orthopaedist, then, I need another appointment at her office. The problem is, how will I get orthopaedist? My mother had some issue and she wasn't able to find any. She was searching for two months. I don't know how long she had to wait for an appointment though, so maybe it's even four months...

If I could at least distract myself with something. I don't enjoy watching series/movies or listening to podcasts and nothing enjoyable what I could do comes to my mind...

There’s none orthopaedist available near where you live? At least, you know there are some other tests you can have done.

How is your mood going on these days to attend, for example, to a concert?
Do you like to read? Maybe some kind of inspirational book? or any other about another topic you enjoy.

Maybe meeting people online?

The company of a pet. A doggie or a kitty. Cats are funny as hell. @AceRimmer can tell you. He adores cats.
I rescued one from the street and it was so much fun. I couldn’t stop recording videos of him. He was so playful. I found him a family and they are so happy with him.

Btw, of course. Write here about whatever you need. I’m here to read. 😀

As I said, two months of finding one and then, waiting for an appointment. I got an appointment for the magnet in a month, so... I am searching for other, but next week, I have several meetings concerning seminar project I mustn't skip.

Reading has never been close to me. Of course, there are some books I enjoyed, but my interest in reading went down throughout the years. Meeting people online, I don't have good experience with that. Apart from the fact that, for me, socialization happens in-person, I haven't found forums where I would feel involved and when people would actually respond to me. Moreover, things like meetup are here only for people who are professionals in some very specific things (I actually looked at that).

I actually have plans for two concerts. One is in two weeks, but it is a band that is not really close to me. We enjoy playing their songs as warm-up when rehearsing, but we play it way better so I kind of go there for no reason, just to listen to something I wouldn't dislike. The other one is in one month, one of my favorite bands. I've already seen them in the past. But I must say, I don't even look forward to it much. I need to travel 300km to a town I dislike very much to see them. I was in the town too many times (so I have done all sightseeing) and you always have to be careful about pickpockets and people of this kind. If it were somewhere close, I would be glad to go, but you can imagine that I don't feel like traveling alone.
Also, these are things for temporary distraction (few hours at most) and happen only few times a year, so it's nothing I can count on. I attend ice hockey mathces, but the same applies here, two hours of distraction in ireregular intervals. Besides, it's not really interactive.

I can't have a pet now, as I live in a relatively small flat and sometimes, I am away whole day because of studies.

I know I can, that's why I write, it's just too much sometimes. You know, health, family, firendships, relationships...

The thing is you’re at an age in your plenitude so I can’t avoid putting myself in your shoes or even looking back to when I was in my 20s.
Do you know what was my most exciting activity at the weekends? To go to visit my psychologist on Fridays evening. That’s it.
When coming back home, there are some Fridays when I felt so empty. I literally had no social web or any activity to do with people and if I had, I already say no to the possibility to go out and socialise because I couldn’t. I couldn’t face to people. Too much anxiety and fears. I only could do activities with myself. So I focused on my studies or job. My music, listening or reading about topics I liked. Those days were mainly Psychology, Politics and rock music.
Maybe going out with my closed family to the country-side. A birthday celebration at home.
That was all.

All it was pretty frustrating. I felt a real impotence. I had too much to give as a person and I needed so much to have some kind of connection. In the end, my psychologists helped me to grow contacts at the schools I was working. I coincided with a friend of my childhood who helped me a lot to share some activities with her and a friend of her.
Then, I meet my partner online.

I know how difficult is to meet people, especially, the right ones for you. Many people at this early adulthood already have their boyfriends and girlfriends, their careers, their own circle of friends.

I understand your frustration. It’s all I can say.