I MUST NOT do what I love

My god, I’m sorry a lot. You must be very disappointed. Life’s sometimes a bitc$.
Your poor hand! I guess it hurts as hell. You were right. Medical System there is slow. Sooner or later weren’t they able to give you a f. appointment? I can’t believe it. Are you in a waiting list or something?

I’m just guessing in relation to your friend. Maybe, she’s not being neglectful on purpose. She will probably feel uncomfortable because she knows you are into her and maybe she’s also trying to keep some distance for your own well-being.
But, I understand it hurts. Surely, you are feeling jealousy. It’s a horrible feeling.
It happened to me when one of my coworkers and I were flirting and at the same time, he kept silence at him being with another of my coworkers. He was feeling some kind of period of doubts and I then understand he likes to flirt and hook with many women.
When he knew I was going out with another guy, it doesn’t stop him from trying to sleep with me. Of course, I kicked him out. But, in the meantime, before meeting my current partner, by the way the same guy I was going out then with, meanwhile I went through a period of lack of confidence and I admit that I was pretty jealousy.

I’m sorry a lot, Jak. I put myself in your shoes and …

Yeah, it definitely is. Life is never fair, I know that, but seems to me that it has never given me anything pleasant.
Well, I have an appointment on Thursday, but that is a consultation after last results. It is appointment at neurologist, but since the only thing I know is that this is not a neurological problem, the appointment makes no snese. Now, I need to go to my GP again because he sends me to the specialist. That's the appointment I don't have. Well, I also don't know what other doctor should I see, but I expected the previous to like suggest something...

I'm curious about my studies with the hand because midterms are comming and I cannot write. I also don't want to interrupt my studies and I don't think I even can because I don't have a diagnosis. I handle the knowledge which is not tha teasy, but I cannot work on assignments and that's what counts (not what you know, but what you don't do). I may have serious problem at university because of this f***ing issue...

About me being into her, we talked it through several months ago (just to emphasize, she was single by then) and then, we continued communicating as friends pretty well. I got over it, it's in the past, and she knows that very well, so I suppose this is not the reason for not even texting me.
I haven't thought that I'm jealous. I don't know the people she meets, so I don't think I can be jealous of them. She has been behaving as a good friend although we haven't known each other for a very long time and she has always been busy. So I rather don't know what to think.
But it really hurts. I experienced such situations in the past and it was horrible. Well, now it includes a person who has been a better friend than the people who did this to me in the past, so I really don't want to know how it could hurt.

I don't think I know where I should actually meet new people since any activity is unavailable because of the hand and people I meet at places I visit regularly don't want to dedicate their time for meeting again.

Well, I suggest you not to put yourself in my shoes. Although last week was fine and I am mentally set up for positive changes, not even a chance for those occurs...

I talk from my ignorance but still I think that she might be able to do things more comfortable to you.
I cut off contact and keep distance with a person because of his well-being. Nonetheless, we are now in contact again, just as friends. Give her a time.

I understand what you mean, but it would be strange in this case. She also found someone and it's not the first time something like this happened to me so we both know it's left in the past. Besides, if this would be the case, I think she wouldn't have stayed in contact with me in past few months, she would have behaved this way sooner. We actually have been in contact as friends, as you mention. That's what I kind of don't know what to think about.

Now, I'm actually more curious about what I've written about my studies. I still don't know how I can pass midterms in two/three weeks since I can't write. One of them is a math analysis course, so you just have to write.

I know it. I know now your priority is your career but I don’t know what I can tell you about it.
I’d wish I could tell you what you could do. It’s a complicated situation.
I could tell you but it would be very far from what you want to do.
It’s pointless and meaningless. It would be no help.

I understand. Well, for now, I'd like to be able to write.

I'm just sitting on a train after I had an appointment at the neurologist. Well, at least she could have written recommendations for magnetic resonance and for orthopaedist, then, I need another appointment at her office. The problem is, how will I get orthopaedist? My mother had some issue and she wasn't able to find any. She was searching for two months. I don't know how long she had to wait for an appointment though, so maybe it's even four months...

If I could at least distract myself with something. I don't enjoy watching series/movies or listening to podcasts and nothing enjoyable what I could do comes to my mind...

There’s none orthopaedist available near where you live? At least, you know there are some other tests you can have done.

How is your mood going on these days to attend, for example, to a concert?
Do you like to read? Maybe some kind of inspirational book? or any other about another topic you enjoy.

Maybe meeting people online?

The company of a pet. A doggie or a kitty. Cats are funny as hell. @AceRimmer can tell you. He adores cats.
I rescued one from the street and it was so much fun. I couldn’t stop recording videos of him. He was so playful. I found him a family and they are so happy with him.

Btw, of course. Write here about whatever you need. I’m here to read. 😀

As I said, two months of finding one and then, waiting for an appointment. I got an appointment for the magnet in a month, so... I am searching for other, but next week, I have several meetings concerning seminar project I mustn't skip.

Reading has never been close to me. Of course, there are some books I enjoyed, but my interest in reading went down throughout the years. Meeting people online, I don't have good experience with that. Apart from the fact that, for me, socialization happens in-person, I haven't found forums where I would feel involved and when people would actually respond to me. Moreover, things like meetup are here only for people who are professionals in some very specific things (I actually looked at that).

I actually have plans for two concerts. One is in two weeks, but it is a band that is not really close to me. We enjoy playing their songs as warm-up when rehearsing, but we play it way better so I kind of go there for no reason, just to listen to something I wouldn't dislike. The other one is in one month, one of my favorite bands. I've already seen them in the past. But I must say, I don't even look forward to it much. I need to travel 300km to a town I dislike very much to see them. I was in the town too many times (so I have done all sightseeing) and you always have to be careful about pickpockets and people of this kind. If it were somewhere close, I would be glad to go, but you can imagine that I don't feel like traveling alone.
Also, these are things for temporary distraction (few hours at most) and happen only few times a year, so it's nothing I can count on. I attend ice hockey mathces, but the same applies here, two hours of distraction in ireregular intervals. Besides, it's not really interactive.

I can't have a pet now, as I live in a relatively small flat and sometimes, I am away whole day because of studies.

I know I can, that's why I write, it's just too much sometimes. You know, health, family, firendships, relationships...

The thing is you’re at an age in your plenitude so I can’t avoid putting myself in your shoes or even looking back to when I was in my 20s.
Do you know what was my most exciting activity at the weekends? To go to visit my psychologist on Fridays evening. That’s it.
When coming back home, there are some Fridays when I felt so empty. I literally had no social web or any activity to do with people and if I had, I already say no to the possibility to go out and socialise because I couldn’t. I couldn’t face to people. Too much anxiety and fears. I only could do activities with myself. So I focused on my studies or job. My music, listening or reading about topics I liked. Those days were mainly Psychology, Politics and rock music.
Maybe going out with my closed family to the country-side. A birthday celebration at home.
That was all.

All it was pretty frustrating. I felt a real impotence. I had too much to give as a person and I needed so much to have some kind of connection. In the end, my psychologists helped me to grow contacts at the schools I was working. I coincided with a friend of my childhood who helped me a lot to share some activities with her and a friend of her.
Then, I meet my partner online.

I know how difficult is to meet people, especially, the right ones for you. Many people at this early adulthood already have their boyfriends and girlfriends, their careers, their own circle of friends.

I understand your frustration. It’s all I can say.

No way, I’m comparing myself to you. I know you found all of the sudden with the problem with your hand that makes everything tougher, especially, at this moment you have to prepare for your professional stage.
And you seem to have lots of energy to do things you are not being able to accomplish.
I didn’t need so much. I put up with a little of socialisation since too much, required too much energy from me that I hadn’t had.
You are able to make commitments. I wasn’t because I didn’t know if I would have been able to face to the challenge. So, my little steps forwards were more than enough for me.

To be honest, I feel empty most of evenings. Even when I come home from ice hockey match, it is something that ended, but what after that? Again, I am alone, no one to call/talk to, no one to share myself with. Even if something positive happens (only very small things and not often), it doesn't feel good if you have no one to share it with. Not to boast, but to share yourself.
I actually reach out to people I know (but there is not a friendship), but get no response. You know, I try to chat with people from my faculty (I don't know them at all), but chatting online is not fulfilling because of the system which is used. I also tried to invite people to meet several times (there are some threads for this), but no one responds to me, so I meet only a few people who I try to strike up a conversation with in real life, but they just don't want to socialize at all. I don't feel anxiety or other things stopping me from trying, it is that I can't find any poeple who would go out.
You know, listening to music (mostly rock/metal, but sometimes also blues) is an inevitable part of my life so it's not kind of hobby. Also, I sometimes read articles about psychology, searching for something, but that is also not a hobby. I cannot focus on my studies much because I can't work on computer longer than 15 minutes in one go.

I also feel, or better said, I know that I have things to offer to people as a person/friend/partner, I have also been told this by others (still, they abandoned me...), so it feels even more frustrating. According to these things, I think I have all the rights to feel that the problem is not my personality, so I don't know what to change for things to get better.

Exactly. Well, I don't compare myself to others, but it doesn't feel good to know that every person who I know and wants to be in a relationship is in a fulfilling one. It is not the reason why I try to find a girlfriend, I have other reasons for that, but it is not pleasant to know.

Well, no matter if this is all you have to say. After all, you are the only person who replies to me, so still, it may be helpful in some way.

You are right, I have no problem with commitments, I have strong will, I am brave, confident, I can face challenges, I have positive mindset when I try something or interact with other people.
It just feels that this is not enough...

Jak’s quote:

“ You are right, I have no problem with commitments, I have strong will, I am brave, confident, I can face challenges, I have positive mindset when I try something or interact with other people.
It just feels that this is not enough...”

That is why I don’t understand. Many people must be very blind to be unable to see all that. Or maybe, the circumstances haven’t been given so far. Or the right people haven’t appeared.

I know nowadays, with all this relevance online social communication, real social communication became harder, but still this need for connection is there.
I do understand you see face-to-face connections as the most fulfilling ones. Me too. Maybe, for people like me, online connections are the best option but it seems pointless for people who have no problem at socialising. I look and see with sadness how people walk in the streets by not caring about the world around them because they are literally with their sight on their phones. Taking selfies, recording videos of themselves while walking.
I don’t even want to think about other stuff such as, virtual reality.

Jak’s quote:

“ Well, no matter if this is all you have to say. After all, you are the only person who replies to me, so still, it may be helpful in some way.”

No. I didn’t mean that I didn’t have anything to say in general. I meant about the topic of socialising. I mean that I’d like through my supposed experience, to be able to give you some clues. But, I can’t because I consider myself socially retard.

Yes, I'm also curious about that. I have never had many good opportunities/circumstances, but still. It's interesting that this doesn't work for me.

Exactly, real life connection is still very important. I can communicate online, but sometimes you need to feel the presence of the other person. Also, there are things you would like to discuss, but you don't write them (not many in my case, I can write anything, but sometimes you don't write it). I stopped using social media for anything else that direct messages (or group chats, but now I'm not in anything active) because it was just waste of time for me, scrolling facebook or instagram.
Okay, I admit that I usually listen to music when wlaking down the street, but I never have phone in my hand.

Alright, I get that now. Well, I can't say if you are social retard or not, you don't have to share your experience. There are also other ways even concerning this topic when you are helpfull.

My desire for real life connection continues to fade. Give it another 30 years bud...

You know, since my injury causes that I cannot spend time with things I like and finding new ends up the same way, now, spending time with others is also the only thing I can do, but there is no one I could even just call or chat with.

This and next Friday, I have some more checkups, but it will take weeks to get results and these are just to make sure of one thing, so I don't expect anything new...

Of course, thus you’re very young and you are not avoidant as AceRimmer or introvert as me.

You’re very strong. To be honest. I don’t know what I’d do without my small social net. It keeps me sane.

Well, I can't tell how it is in your life, but I definitely am not avoidant. There is a difference between words loner and pariah. I'm not alone voluntarily.

I really miss the activities I enjoyed. I probably should not think about those because then, the desire to do it is even greater. I try to distract myself, but you can see there is nothing really. Actually, yesterday, I tried to search for some things/gatherings/alternatives connected to my interests, but there are none in my area.

How’s your pain level going? Did you get a prescription for other meds?

Today, while I was at the hairdresser’s I came across an article to manage chronic pain.
Among other points, it stated relaxation techniques as being very helpful and visualisation techniques if needed.

Another interesting point was about diet.
Following a diet rich at fiber or fibre, legumes, vegetables, dry fruits and blue fish.

Finally, another point I want to stress. Here I go! Socialisation. 😐

I was able to cook something during the weekend, but it got worse again. For now, I have no meds.

Concerning relaxation techniques, I don't know what should I do and I don't want to as I don't know what is wrong. I really don't want to make it worse with the wrong movements.

I'm a celiac so I have some constraints and apart from not being able to cook much, I don't have time for it every day. Still, I think I eat healthy

Well, you know how it goes with socialization. No opportunities to find people who would socialize... 😐

I don’t think movement could be bad unless you have a broken bone. Conversely, having any part of the body motionless will probably produce more tension and pain.

Any relaxation technique is helpful. I use Jacobson’s progressive muscular relaxation technique and then, I use visualisation with color to calm the part I have in pain. Of course, I take meds to help me.

But, what it works for me, doesn’t have to work for you.

Yes, but there are different types of movements. For example, for neurological problems, stretches are beneficial, but those are harmful when you have inflamated tendons or torn muscles.

Yes, things work for some people and don't for others. I have tried some motion when it started and was not so critical, but I had no relief, no matter what I did.

In recent days, all I think about is how I could distract myself. The weather is also getting worse, so jogging (which I don't enjoy, but it is only physical activity I can do) will need to come to a stop.

So, I went to the orthopaedist today. He talked about some diagnosis about tendon coming from my thumb. Now, I will need to go there to get a shot every week. But concerning what he was saying, I don't think it is everything, That is one place where it is painful, but I also have another issues (such as numb fingers, or pain elsewhere) which don't seem to be connected to this.
Next week, I also have MRI, but that is (also according to this doctor) completely useless. So, I still don't think I got a proper diagnosis.

It was a long day. Again, I'm exhausted (although I had some program in the evening)

I see your guts are telling you that the doctor is not giving you a whole help. Nobody knows better their bodies than themselves.
Did you tell the doctor your concerns? or do you think s(he) may feel upset.
If so, what did (s)he tell you?

Another question: Did you receive already your first shot? If so, how do you feel?