I MUST NOT do what I love

No way, I’m comparing myself to you. I know you found all of the sudden with the problem with your hand that makes everything tougher, especially, at this moment you have to prepare for your professional stage.
And you seem to have lots of energy to do things you are not being able to accomplish.
I didn’t need so much. I put up with a little of socialisation since too much, required too much energy from me that I hadn’t had.
You are able to make commitments. I wasn’t because I didn’t know if I would have been able to face to the challenge. So, my little steps forwards were more than enough for me.

To be honest, I feel empty most of evenings. Even when I come home from ice hockey match, it is something that ended, but what after that? Again, I am alone, no one to call/talk to, no one to share myself with. Even if something positive happens (only very small things and not often), it doesn't feel good if you have no one to share it with. Not to boast, but to share yourself.
I actually reach out to people I know (but there is not a friendship), but get no response. You know, I try to chat with people from my faculty (I don't know them at all), but chatting online is not fulfilling because of the system which is used. I also tried to invite people to meet several times (there are some threads for this), but no one responds to me, so I meet only a few people who I try to strike up a conversation with in real life, but they just don't want to socialize at all. I don't feel anxiety or other things stopping me from trying, it is that I can't find any poeple who would go out.
You know, listening to music (mostly rock/metal, but sometimes also blues) is an inevitable part of my life so it's not kind of hobby. Also, I sometimes read articles about psychology, searching for something, but that is also not a hobby. I cannot focus on my studies much because I can't work on computer longer than 15 minutes in one go.

I also feel, or better said, I know that I have things to offer to people as a person/friend/partner, I have also been told this by others (still, they abandoned me...), so it feels even more frustrating. According to these things, I think I have all the rights to feel that the problem is not my personality, so I don't know what to change for things to get better.

Exactly. Well, I don't compare myself to others, but it doesn't feel good to know that every person who I know and wants to be in a relationship is in a fulfilling one. It is not the reason why I try to find a girlfriend, I have other reasons for that, but it is not pleasant to know.

Well, no matter if this is all you have to say. After all, you are the only person who replies to me, so still, it may be helpful in some way.

You are right, I have no problem with commitments, I have strong will, I am brave, confident, I can face challenges, I have positive mindset when I try something or interact with other people.
It just feels that this is not enough...

Jak’s quote:

“ You are right, I have no problem with commitments, I have strong will, I am brave, confident, I can face challenges, I have positive mindset when I try something or interact with other people.
It just feels that this is not enough...”

That is why I don’t understand. Many people must be very blind to be unable to see all that. Or maybe, the circumstances haven’t been given so far. Or the right people haven’t appeared.

I know nowadays, with all this relevance online social communication, real social communication became harder, but still this need for connection is there.
I do understand you see face-to-face connections as the most fulfilling ones. Me too. Maybe, for people like me, online connections are the best option but it seems pointless for people who have no problem at socialising. I look and see with sadness how people walk in the streets by not caring about the world around them because they are literally with their sight on their phones. Taking selfies, recording videos of themselves while walking.
I don’t even want to think about other stuff such as, virtual reality.

Jak’s quote:

“ Well, no matter if this is all you have to say. After all, you are the only person who replies to me, so still, it may be helpful in some way.”

No. I didn’t mean that I didn’t have anything to say in general. I meant about the topic of socialising. I mean that I’d like through my supposed experience, to be able to give you some clues. But, I can’t because I consider myself socially retard.

Yes, I'm also curious about that. I have never had many good opportunities/circumstances, but still. It's interesting that this doesn't work for me.

Exactly, real life connection is still very important. I can communicate online, but sometimes you need to feel the presence of the other person. Also, there are things you would like to discuss, but you don't write them (not many in my case, I can write anything, but sometimes you don't write it). I stopped using social media for anything else that direct messages (or group chats, but now I'm not in anything active) because it was just waste of time for me, scrolling facebook or instagram.
Okay, I admit that I usually listen to music when wlaking down the street, but I never have phone in my hand.

Alright, I get that now. Well, I can't say if you are social retard or not, you don't have to share your experience. There are also other ways even concerning this topic when you are helpfull.

My desire for real life connection continues to fade. Give it another 30 years bud...

You know, since my injury causes that I cannot spend time with things I like and finding new ends up the same way, now, spending time with others is also the only thing I can do, but there is no one I could even just call or chat with.

This and next Friday, I have some more checkups, but it will take weeks to get results and these are just to make sure of one thing, so I don't expect anything new...

Of course, thus you’re very young and you are not avoidant as AceRimmer or introvert as me.

You’re very strong. To be honest. I don’t know what I’d do without my small social net. It keeps me sane.

Well, I can't tell how it is in your life, but I definitely am not avoidant. There is a difference between words loner and pariah. I'm not alone voluntarily.

I really miss the activities I enjoyed. I probably should not think about those because then, the desire to do it is even greater. I try to distract myself, but you can see there is nothing really. Actually, yesterday, I tried to search for some things/gatherings/alternatives connected to my interests, but there are none in my area.

How’s your pain level going? Did you get a prescription for other meds?

Today, while I was at the hairdresser’s I came across an article to manage chronic pain.
Among other points, it stated relaxation techniques as being very helpful and visualisation techniques if needed.

Another interesting point was about diet.
Following a diet rich at fiber or fibre, legumes, vegetables, dry fruits and blue fish.

Finally, another point I want to stress. Here I go! Socialisation. 😐

I was able to cook something during the weekend, but it got worse again. For now, I have no meds.

Concerning relaxation techniques, I don't know what should I do and I don't want to as I don't know what is wrong. I really don't want to make it worse with the wrong movements.

I'm a celiac so I have some constraints and apart from not being able to cook much, I don't have time for it every day. Still, I think I eat healthy

Well, you know how it goes with socialization. No opportunities to find people who would socialize... 😐

I don’t think movement could be bad unless you have a broken bone. Conversely, having any part of the body motionless will probably produce more tension and pain.

Any relaxation technique is helpful. I use Jacobson’s progressive muscular relaxation technique and then, I use visualisation with color to calm the part I have in pain. Of course, I take meds to help me.

But, what it works for me, doesn’t have to work for you.

Yes, but there are different types of movements. For example, for neurological problems, stretches are beneficial, but those are harmful when you have inflamated tendons or torn muscles.

Yes, things work for some people and don't for others. I have tried some motion when it started and was not so critical, but I had no relief, no matter what I did.

In recent days, all I think about is how I could distract myself. The weather is also getting worse, so jogging (which I don't enjoy, but it is only physical activity I can do) will need to come to a stop.

So, I went to the orthopaedist today. He talked about some diagnosis about tendon coming from my thumb. Now, I will need to go there to get a shot every week. But concerning what he was saying, I don't think it is everything, That is one place where it is painful, but I also have another issues (such as numb fingers, or pain elsewhere) which don't seem to be connected to this.
Next week, I also have MRI, but that is (also according to this doctor) completely useless. So, I still don't think I got a proper diagnosis.

It was a long day. Again, I'm exhausted (although I had some program in the evening)

I see your guts are telling you that the doctor is not giving you a whole help. Nobody knows better their bodies than themselves.
Did you tell the doctor your concerns? or do you think s(he) may feel upset.
If so, what did (s)he tell you?

Another question: Did you receive already your first shot? If so, how do you feel?

I told him about it. It is that he talked about one place which hurts, but there is another one in pain which I mentioned to him. That one was not discussed at all. Also, he talked about the pain and nothing about the numbness of my fingers.
Now I don't know if I should have the MRI or not, since it is rather useless.

Yes, he gave me the first shot right then. It was less painful that day (or it was different kind of pain), but my fingers were still numb and the pain returns. I still can't write or struggle with cutting meat.

Yes, the numbness of your fingers is worrying.
I would give it a try to MRI. I’m not a doctor but maybe you can get information out of it.
Everything must be tried.

What’s the name of the medication you are being given?

Yes, it is.
The MRI should check my neck and every doctor said that I would feel different if it was connected to neck, so I'm not sure about additional information. Also the doctor who sent me there said that it shouldn't bring any news.

I don't know the exact name, but those are collagen shots.

It starts to hurt more again...

Let’s see if they work.
My mother is going for a therapy based on receiving shots of her own blood after a process made with this blood. It helps to tissues regenerate themselves.
I will ask her so she can explain to me again the procedure and I will tell you.
Maybe you are already familiarised with this therapy. I don’t know and I don’t even know if it might help in your case.

I think I've heard of it, but I don't know much, so I can't tell if it would help.

Now, I found out that on Friday, I have an important assignment which can't be rescheduled, so if I need the MRI, I must wait for another appointment.
I'm really curious how things are about to turn out