I MUST NOT do what I love

@AzulOscuro, apparently, the healthcare in my country is a catstrophe. I visited two doctors, now I'm waiting for an appointment for the third one and I still have no diagnosis. After visiting the third one, I need to go back to the previous one (so one more month of waiting for an appointmen) and maybe then, she will tell me the diagnosis. So I don't know when to expect treatment. During the last week, there were moments where I'd give my life to stop the problem. It started hurting really much and sometimes, it was unbearable. I can't write and working on computer is difficult (yeah, my field of study). And because of that, my studies may be ruined...

Yes, I understand Jak. It’s terrible, now that you need to write and do all these operations.

I don’t understand why you need three doctors for a diagnosis unless they are all specialists in different things all related to a hand’s functioning or they all have to do a specific different test. I hope it all will be for the best and you get the proper diagnosis, at least.
Now, a whole month waiting is too long. Here, at Public Health System there are also long waiting lists and you have to wait a lot especially at fields such as traumatology.

Have faith, unless while there’s hope. Don’t think the worst now. The most important now is that they get a proper diagnosis and you can work on the recovery of your hand.

Surely, you will have to pay again for another examination at some subjects next course. Is it very expensive there? Or at least, can you afford it? Is there a lot of competency there in this field? Sometimes, we have to postpone things that matter but it doesn’t mean you won’t get it. It doesn’t mean you won’t achieve your goal in the end.

Said that, I understand you have now a very low mood and there’s no consolation for you now.
I’m sorry, folk.

@AzulOscuro I needed a GP to write me a paper which would allow me to go to specialist. I am at private clinic, but they told me that the specialist would be free in three months. So I needed to look somewhere else. I got there several week later and she can't do the tests so I need to go to another doctor. I have an appointment there in two weeks. So I expect my treatment to start in one month, if not later

Well, yeah, I should keep faith, but this week, I start getting assignments and I must work on them on my own. Also, there is one project where I'm responsible for three other people I never met...

With the courses, it isn't paid to retake the courses. The problem is that if I don't submit assignments or don't take tests, I fail them, I won't be allowed to take final exams. Of course, I can sign up next year, but I will have one less attempt at final exams and if I fail then, they will kick me out. Also, during the fifth semester, I am obliged to find a job as it is a mandatory part of my study plan.

You're right, I do have very low mood. But that is caused also by other things. To help you imagine, yesterday, I bought a ticket to see one of my favorite bands in two months and I don't feel like I'm looking forward to it. It is in a town I don't like much and also, now I'm definitely not in the mood of going alone, but there is no one who would go with me. I'm so depressed (not only because of my hand) that even this can't change my mood

I do really feel for you, because I lived kind of a similar situation. It’s not easy to face the day with a heart broken. Better said, it’s ton of hard. Especially when none of what’s currently happening in your life helps.
Can I tell you that you are being very brave. Much more than me at the similar situations.

You are grieving double, the loss of a soulmate and the possible loss of your hand mobility (we will hope the best here).

In the second is at least to wait for a more efficient Health system. F@ck!
I bet you are writing and doing all these operations in spite of the pain. Do you have to take a lot of pain killers? And do you had as a suggestion by the doctor, don’t use your hand at all? It’s curious how sometimes we take for granted things and abilities that we may just one day suddenly lose. And it makes a whole big difference.
I had a car accident and the air bag harmed my right arm. I’m right-handed, too. I had to have a plaster. It was only for ten days but it seemed to me a whole month. Thanks to my learners who helped me a lot. They wrote in the blackboard for me. They helped me all I needed it. To carry stuff and all. Only 10 days. And you are already months with this problem.

I’m sorry to delay my reply. I’m not having a good time. I’m taking my doggie daily for a shoot at the vet clinic and I’m missing so much my other doggie (baby) who passed away.
I have no kids so they are my babies.

Hope you can see a little of light.

@AzulOscuro don't apologize for delaying the reply. I know you have to deal with issues of your own. I don't care when you reply, I care that you do.

Thanks for saying I'm brave, it feels different when it's someone else than me saying it. I know I'm not perfect, but but I know I'm strong, brave, intelligent and mainly, emotionally very grown-up for my age (also people I could blame for some of my great sufferings told me so). Unfortunately, I must say the world is showinhg me that this and doing my best is NOT enough for things I want in my life (some career/academic success, at least one reliable friend and mainly, finally being in a relationship).

I'm not writing at all. During last two weeks I just wrote an address on a letter I needed to send and wrote one short poem/lyrics. I didn't enjoy it this time and my hand hurt VERY much so I regret it. Working on computer consists of two fingers of my non-dominant hand. One of my recent courses is about designing an application so drawing diagrams...
I will repeat myself, but to emphasise, I don't write at all.
I've been writing this post for 50 minutes, then I pressed post and it logged me out due to inactivity, so here we go again...
The neurologist presctibed a strong painkiller which helps with any pain and inflamation. But it had no effect on me. I was there three weeks ago and my state is constantly worsening so I had no advice from her.
I wish I had people around me who would help me. You were lucky to have those.

I'm not sure if you mean "loss of soulmate" literally. But no matter if you do, I grieve both. I lost a passion which became a part of my personality, lost an important friend and a girl who really seemed to be my real soulmate.

Good that you hope for me. But I haven't seen any light for months despite actively looking for it wherever and whenever possible.

Sounds like finding a good doctor is the problem. I have that same problem here in the US. I had to go to 3 podiatrists before I found a good one - 50 miles out of town. I almost had to go to Canada for shoulder surgery. I still haven't found a good dentist who can deal with my allergies. You have to go online and do tons of research into your condition and be willing to travel a long way to find someone who can help.

@AceRimmer, I have a different problem. I have a good doctor, but the healthcare system in my country works in a way that you have to wait because apart from that doctor, you need to go elsewhere for tests. And it is difficult to get an appointment there because of the number of patients. That applies in general, not only to this clinic and not only to this health problem. The good doctor is 60km away from my hometown, 230km away from the town where I study/live.

I'm sure if you have money you can move to the head of the line. I had to wait 3 months for shoulder surgery, but if I had gone to Canada and paid $20,000 cash I could have gotten it sooner. In canada they have waiting lists for care but if you bypass their healthcare system.

As surgical wait lists grow, Canada'''s private clinics cash in | CBC News

In my country, things don't work this way, you can't pay to skip the line. I actually am at a private clinic and they told me to wait for three months, no exceptions. I had to find a different doctor.

Money always opens doors in the sense that you can go to another country or another city where a more Health Private System is offered.
Some people who can afford it go to Houston to be treat of cancer. My own godfather went there to be treat.
But, Jak, I guess is not easy for you to do this since you’re student. And your future in your career could be compromised. Could you?
Also, you have faith in your current doctor. If I remember well, you did some previous research.

Here, the service that really has a long waiting list is Health Public System. At Private sector maybe you find that you have to attend to different places all together before a diagnosis to have more specific tests made.
Obviously, the most well-known doctors have a longer waiting list.
I can afford it bc I paid for an insurance each month if not, I couldn’t afford private system. Only my meds for depression have a prohibitive cost.
And my mother, for example, had a foot surgery with implants. Only one implant if you go without paying for an insurance was 3,000€ more than ten years ago.

It’s complicate.
Before you told me, I was wondering how long would you take to write a post here. I know it now.
I normally, write them down on a a notebook app before coping and pasting here on the forum.

In regards to what you said about the pain. Too bad you can’t find a relief through painkillers. I don’t want even figure it out how bad you must go through the day.
I have chronic pain in the back but I have less pain through physiotherapy and pills.
Were you given any clue as to what you may be dealing with?

P.S.: Please, don’t write a lot here and take your time. Your priority is University now. Try only short messages if you will. I will do my best to understand you.

@AzulOscuro, you're right, I have done some research. Next week, I have some tests for my hand, so maybe I will have a chance to know more. I have both insurance and healthcare in private system, but that doesn't matter. My studies and future career... Sometimes, I don't even want to think about future (not only academic/career future)...

Usually, it takes 10-15 minutes to write my longer posts. It was only the previous post which took longer. I was sitting on a train so I couldn't find a comfortable position for my hand. But mainly, I felt terrible mentally.

Since painkillers don't work, sometimes, it's unbearable. I have an idea of what I face, but I have tried everything I could do without a doctor and no relief. Believe me, it's very difficult to live with this. Not every day is it unbearable, but still...

Oh no, writing here doesn't take any time from my studies. I have a relatively easy semester now. Besides, I don't study during evenings.
Actually, I'm really bored in recent days/weeks. I can't do things I like and I don't seem to find anything I could do what would be interesting for me. I really have no friends to go out with and I have absolutely no idea where I could make friends or find a partner now because I can't really take part in majority of activities because of the hand. Additionally, there are not many people around my age at events I try to attend.

I have one more thought which I don't remember if I have written. Although this is a problem of physical health, it's not the pain what is the worst for me. I struggle mentally more because of that. I can't seem to find activities I would enjoy and could do, so my free time and time I have for myself is just wasted time. And as I mentioned, there have been many unpleasant things concerning my social life and I really don't know what to do about that

Physical problems effect a lot to mental state and vice versa. It’s clear.
Let’s see if what can be made after next week tests.
Hope you come here with good news.

You know, no matter what the exact results will be, based on my research, I know it will be a long-term problem.
Of course, physical and mental health are connected.
Still, I feel that loneliness is starting to eat me up. But what is worse, I don't see any opportunities which could help me right now. I tried looking for some, but found nothing.

Jak, why not to look for someone to share your place, there where you’re studying?

Hi @AzulOscuro.
Actually, the most difficult thing in university is to get dorm. So as things went, I start living in my own place. I'm still kind of furnishing it. Besides, if I wanted to share my flat with someone, there are some legal restrictions.

I actually just wanted to write you because I have some news about my hand. Today, I had som test, but it ended worse than anything I expected. According to the symptoms, everyone (including doctors) say it's a neurological problem. But today, I had tests and it seems that my nerves are alright. So I'm again where I was two months ago, not knowing anything. Well, I'm not there as it gets worse every day

How could it be? That’s time to get for a second opinion.
Please, call me Azul.

Ok, I will, Azul. I put there the whole name there so you see the mention

I have no idea. I have such mixed feelings because of that. Every symptom suggested one of two diagnosis (both neurological) and today the doctor checked how my nerves react and everything was absolutely normal. Now, I don't even know what other doctor I should go to. And for that, again, I will need my GP, then a specialist, then tests... After two months of a critical state which is getting worse every day

Don’t give it up ever. Anything. Fighting for your health, meeting new people, studying what you love. Never give it up. You deserve it. You’re a marvellous guy.

Don’t worry, I receive notifications through e-mails whenever you write here.
Isn’t there another well known neurologist? And What solution your current doctor gave to you?
I was also thinking that it could be neurological.

Azul, I never give up. Although the world is sometimes showing me that I should. I just don't, that's not my nature.
Since I don't have a diagnosis, not only I know nothing about it and when I could possibly return to normal, but also if I had to interrupt my studies because of it, I can't because I have no diagnosis. I actually don't know how I should feel after today