I MUST NOT do what I love

Sounds like finding a good doctor is the problem. I have that same problem here in the US. I had to go to 3 podiatrists before I found a good one - 50 miles out of town. I almost had to go to Canada for shoulder surgery. I still haven't found a good dentist who can deal with my allergies. You have to go online and do tons of research into your condition and be willing to travel a long way to find someone who can help.

@AceRimmer, I have a different problem. I have a good doctor, but the healthcare system in my country works in a way that you have to wait because apart from that doctor, you need to go elsewhere for tests. And it is difficult to get an appointment there because of the number of patients. That applies in general, not only to this clinic and not only to this health problem. The good doctor is 60km away from my hometown, 230km away from the town where I study/live.

I'm sure if you have money you can move to the head of the line. I had to wait 3 months for shoulder surgery, but if I had gone to Canada and paid $20,000 cash I could have gotten it sooner. In canada they have waiting lists for care but if you bypass their healthcare system.

As surgical wait lists grow, Canada'''s private clinics cash in | CBC News

In my country, things don't work this way, you can't pay to skip the line. I actually am at a private clinic and they told me to wait for three months, no exceptions. I had to find a different doctor.

Money always opens doors in the sense that you can go to another country or another city where a more Health Private System is offered.
Some people who can afford it go to Houston to be treat of cancer. My own godfather went there to be treat.
But, Jak, I guess is not easy for you to do this since you’re student. And your future in your career could be compromised. Could you?
Also, you have faith in your current doctor. If I remember well, you did some previous research.

Here, the service that really has a long waiting list is Health Public System. At Private sector maybe you find that you have to attend to different places all together before a diagnosis to have more specific tests made.
Obviously, the most well-known doctors have a longer waiting list.
I can afford it bc I paid for an insurance each month if not, I couldn’t afford private system. Only my meds for depression have a prohibitive cost.
And my mother, for example, had a foot surgery with implants. Only one implant if you go without paying for an insurance was 3,000€ more than ten years ago.

It’s complicate.
Before you told me, I was wondering how long would you take to write a post here. I know it now.
I normally, write them down on a a notebook app before coping and pasting here on the forum.

In regards to what you said about the pain. Too bad you can’t find a relief through painkillers. I don’t want even figure it out how bad you must go through the day.
I have chronic pain in the back but I have less pain through physiotherapy and pills.
Were you given any clue as to what you may be dealing with?

P.S.: Please, don’t write a lot here and take your time. Your priority is University now. Try only short messages if you will. I will do my best to understand you.

@AzulOscuro, you're right, I have done some research. Next week, I have some tests for my hand, so maybe I will have a chance to know more. I have both insurance and healthcare in private system, but that doesn't matter. My studies and future career... Sometimes, I don't even want to think about future (not only academic/career future)...

Usually, it takes 10-15 minutes to write my longer posts. It was only the previous post which took longer. I was sitting on a train so I couldn't find a comfortable position for my hand. But mainly, I felt terrible mentally.

Since painkillers don't work, sometimes, it's unbearable. I have an idea of what I face, but I have tried everything I could do without a doctor and no relief. Believe me, it's very difficult to live with this. Not every day is it unbearable, but still...

Oh no, writing here doesn't take any time from my studies. I have a relatively easy semester now. Besides, I don't study during evenings.
Actually, I'm really bored in recent days/weeks. I can't do things I like and I don't seem to find anything I could do what would be interesting for me. I really have no friends to go out with and I have absolutely no idea where I could make friends or find a partner now because I can't really take part in majority of activities because of the hand. Additionally, there are not many people around my age at events I try to attend.

I have one more thought which I don't remember if I have written. Although this is a problem of physical health, it's not the pain what is the worst for me. I struggle mentally more because of that. I can't seem to find activities I would enjoy and could do, so my free time and time I have for myself is just wasted time. And as I mentioned, there have been many unpleasant things concerning my social life and I really don't know what to do about that

Physical problems effect a lot to mental state and vice versa. It’s clear.
Let’s see if what can be made after next week tests.
Hope you come here with good news.

You know, no matter what the exact results will be, based on my research, I know it will be a long-term problem.
Of course, physical and mental health are connected.
Still, I feel that loneliness is starting to eat me up. But what is worse, I don't see any opportunities which could help me right now. I tried looking for some, but found nothing.

Jak, why not to look for someone to share your place, there where you’re studying?

Hi @AzulOscuro.
Actually, the most difficult thing in university is to get dorm. So as things went, I start living in my own place. I'm still kind of furnishing it. Besides, if I wanted to share my flat with someone, there are some legal restrictions.

I actually just wanted to write you because I have some news about my hand. Today, I had som test, but it ended worse than anything I expected. According to the symptoms, everyone (including doctors) say it's a neurological problem. But today, I had tests and it seems that my nerves are alright. So I'm again where I was two months ago, not knowing anything. Well, I'm not there as it gets worse every day

How could it be? That’s time to get for a second opinion.
Please, call me Azul.

Ok, I will, Azul. I put there the whole name there so you see the mention

I have no idea. I have such mixed feelings because of that. Every symptom suggested one of two diagnosis (both neurological) and today the doctor checked how my nerves react and everything was absolutely normal. Now, I don't even know what other doctor I should go to. And for that, again, I will need my GP, then a specialist, then tests... After two months of a critical state which is getting worse every day

Don’t give it up ever. Anything. Fighting for your health, meeting new people, studying what you love. Never give it up. You deserve it. You’re a marvellous guy.

Don’t worry, I receive notifications through e-mails whenever you write here.
Isn’t there another well known neurologist? And What solution your current doctor gave to you?
I was also thinking that it could be neurological.

Azul, I never give up. Although the world is sometimes showing me that I should. I just don't, that's not my nature.
Since I don't have a diagnosis, not only I know nothing about it and when I could possibly return to normal, but also if I had to interrupt my studies because of it, I can't because I have no diagnosis. I actually don't know how I should feel after today

There are not many neurologists here. I will go to check up to the previous one next week so I will see. Just to mention, all these doctors were recommended to me by doctors who I personally know (kind of family friends who had/have first hand experience).
And really, the results today were clear

The doctor didn’t tell you anything, Jak? It’s clear that your hand is hurting and something happens. What do your parents say?

I’m glad your nature has nothing to do with giving it up. I clap you.

Cool. Let’s see what (s)he can tell you.

I lost capacity of hearing on my right ear. I hear worse on it. The tests showed nothing. I didn’t look for a diagnosis or any other doctor because I’m fine. But, it’s clear my right ear is not fine. Sometimes, tests are not precise. I’d encourage you to look for doctors who can provide you with tools to rehabilitate your hand.

He told me that it's not a neurological problem, my nerves are good. That's all...
My hand hurts more and more. I have done extensive research online and concerning my sypmtoms, it's either a heart attack, a stroke or something neurological. Think about it, I'd be dead by now if a heart attack or stroke lasted for two month...

Yeah, I know it should be good. But you know, it feels more depressing that I really am worth things I want in life, but no matter that I have positive approach and thinking when trying, know my strengths and so on... They seem not to be destined to me

So, they don’t know a $hit. It’s frustrating, isn’t it? Keep going. Go to that first doctor. Let’s see what (s)he says.

I’m not seeing now a positive approach. Sorry to tell you.
You keep saying you’re positive but I’m not seeing it.
I know you have too much to offer and you say you keep positive but I’m not seeing it.
It seems as you think something is against you. And there’s a negative force as your fate.

I told you about mindfulness and you said it didn’t work for you. Mindfulness works for everybody. It’s a philosophy and a way to face life no matter if the physical world are going well for you. It’s not a safe win to win ticket. It’s a way to cope with struggles.

I didn’t see you positive in regards to that town you don’t like. Why you don’t like? There’s something to love in each single place of this world.

Sorry to tell you. And you can now ask for deleting my messages as other members do when they think I’m not being supportive, I’m already used to.
This is me. And I say what I see. I know how much you’re suffering. Everyone can see it. Life is sometimes a bit$.

It is... I'm very curious what she will say.

Okay, I admit, you can't see that. Your point is valid. But there is a real reason why I seem not positive at all here. It is because, in this forum, I search for support and pieces of advice. If you saw me in my daily life, you'd definitely prove that I am positive when I am around other people, for example. But I understand it's hard to feel it here, where people want to deal with their issues.
I have some experience when people said (usually to other people and they told me) that it was fun chatting to me, a cheerful guy in a good mood who has interesting things to say. And I was actually struggling around those times, but thinking positively in such occasions.

Maybe I didn't write it correctly. I don't think there is something against me, it rather feels that nothing in my life reflects my effort. I know life isn't fair, but at least one of those things I care about would be nice.

Yes, I understood what you meant with mindfulness. I may look into it again, but I can't rely now that it will work as a coping mechanism.

I'm not sure about which town you are writing. If it's the town close to my home, I don't like it because I don't feel safe there, people are often hostile when you come for their service, the traffic is awful... And since I'm abroad, I don't have time to spend it at the very few places which are better.
If it's the town where I should attend a concert in two months, it is a beautiful city, but I don't like overcrowded streets, you always have to be very careful about pickpockets. And I was there so many times on vacations that I don't enjoy it anymore.
And to both of them applies that I don't like big citties.

No, don't delete those, you are supportive in some way. Despite not finding anything what could help me actually solve my problems, I appreciate that you reply to me and you actually try to understand what's happening.

I understand you. In all you said about the city not being safe (I didn’t know) and about what you said about how you seem here pessimistic but it’s not your natural attitude.

Noone can solve other people’s problems, of course. I’d wish we could.

It seems you’ve tried many things to meet new people, joying to activities and you don’t give it up.
I read your most recent post about doing physical exercise and all. You’re not gonna have such a bad luck for another twenty years, do you know that, don’t you? No way with that active attitude.

I hope my bad luck will change, that's probably all I can reply to this post.

Hi Azul, I have some news.
Still, I haven't got new appointment for my hand, but yesterday, I felt as if something cracked there and new pain was created, which is unbearable now.

I start to feel neglected by my last friend. She found a boyfriend during the summer so she spends time with him, that's fine. She also is a busy person, I acceot that. But she goes to cinema or hangs out with her friends regularly, but never finds time to eat out or go for coffee with me. She never replied fast to my messages, but now it's too slow.
Also, new people I meet just don't want to socialize (some of them told me directly)...

So again, things I care about just get f***ed up...