[Calla lily12]

I'm sad, but don't really know why. Its all encompassing. I was writing some poetry and that set it off. All the memories and regrets came rushing back to me. I'm afraid of losing people even if there's no reason to worry.
I'm thinking the answer, for me, is to help others, somehow. I need to feel needed.

[3rd rock]

I've hit a bit of a roadblock with this chapter. I started it three days ago and I set a self-imposed deadline of today. But it's likely to take another two days. I've set a revised goal of 50,000 words before I enter residential treatment, which should happen over the next 2-3 weeks. I'm at nearly 30,000 words, and with little else to do during the days I should be able to reach it.

Until then, I'm very sad every now and then. It comes on randomly and it strikes very hard. I feel so alone. I crave emotional intimacy and real relationships, but I am incapable of achieving them. It has been a very long time since I was in anything that remotely resembled a relationship or had any friends. I am hopelessly inadequate compared to everyone around me; what they seem to manage so effortlessly is impossible for me. Everyone else seems to be able to scale the tallest mountains with ease, while I'm all but completely incapable of walking up a gently-sloped hill. And there's no way this is ever going to change.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

Snip: I feel so alone. I crave emotional intimacy and real relationships, but I am incapable of achieving them. It has been a very long time since I was in anything that remotely resembled a relationship or had any friends..

I’ve been feeling this way too. I just have one person who’s close but is 1,000 miles from me in another state. There’s emails but it’s not the same. I have the personality type that craves emotional connection but I continually get people who aren’t emotionally mature enough to handle or want these connections. As I get older I can only hope it won’t always be this way. No one will even check on me, even neighbors. And I recently discovered someone telling me “if I ever need anything to let her know” was just lip service. I was devastated for days.

It’s the kind of thing that keeps me awake at night sometimes. I feel so vulnerable and the more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it.



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[will19]

Yesterday morning I felt depressed when I first got out of bed. But then I felt better when fixing breakfast. But while I was fixing breakfast I picked up something from the floor to throw away and then my lower back hurt. That sunk my mood way down. The back pain remained for the rest of the day and night.

This morning the pain is still there but not as bad. I'm still having it late this afternoon but I think it could get better by tomorrow.

I cleaned, this morning, despite having the back pain. I felt depressed in the afternoon. Someone, this afternoon I spoke to, reminded me that I don't do much with my life - like trying new things. It made me feel bad talking about it. I don't know why people have to be insensitive. When having depression, I don't feel like trying new things. Besides, I have tried new things and it all didn't work out.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

snip: Someone, this afternoon I spoke to, reminded me that I don't do much with my life - like trying new things. It made me feel bad talking about it. I don't know why people have to be insensitive. When having depression, I don't feel like trying new things. Besides, I have tried new things and it all didn't work out.

I have to be careful with movement now, as it’s easier to tweak something now.

And I’ve had people tell me what I should do or judge me without knowing me at all and the kinds of experiences I’ve had. Many years ago when I was volunteering at the library, another volunteer who was much older actually said to me “You are a young woman. Why are you doing all this volunteering? You should be working.” Note the word “should” which has negative connotations. I was literally too shocked and speechless to respond. I mean that someone would say that to someone else, if they know them or not.

I was doing it to feel productive and a part of something since I couldn’t find work. But that’s not her business. I’m such a different person now that if that happens now, I wouldn’t mince words believe me. Been through some real bs , to h e l l and back and still find hellish situations. Anyway I’d ask how is this your business. Efffing people. And like you I’ve tried things and they didn’t pan out the way I hoped. Right now I’m out of gas and just surviving. I need structure and familiarity since I’ve had so much turmoil in my life.



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[will19]

I thought that today would be an OK or nice day. It didn't turn out that way. Instead it turned out to be a bad day. I always try to be positive and optimistic but it never seems to work. Oh well!

[Rose76]

I'm being very lazy. It feels like depression minus the usual sadness. I better fight it, or soon the sadness will kick back in, and I'll feel really awful.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

snip: I always try to be positive and optimistic but it never seems to work. Oh well!

This is something I feel is grossly overrated in American culture. Personally I think it’s contributed to the malaise in this country since we are always under pressure to be positive. Even if we have a mass shooting which is common, people say it could have been worse….Well it could have been better, meaning no shooting at all!

I read a couple of books about relentless positivity and found it’s more “real” to accept and validate my feelings. And that feelings aren’t positive or negative, good or bad. They just are what they are. It takes more energy to try to be “positive” than it does to just feel and accept the “negative” feeling.

Note that I’m not telling you how to feel! It’s just about me and how I try to survive. And it doesn’t help that every holiday we have begins with “happy”, implying one is supposed to be cheerful. And here comes Happy Fourth of July.



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[will19]

Quote from Nonightowl - "It doesn’t help that every holiday we have begins with “happy”, implying one is supposed to be cheerful. And here comes Happy Fourth of July".

Just yesterday someone told me "Happy Father's Day". I never had any kids! Geez!

[Rose76]

I have spent the whole day looking at stuff online. I don't like being this way.

[Shahope]

I feel horrible today, i have way too many things to do / on my plate and i really feel like it's too hard and i can't handle it. I'm alone and i just don't see a point to anything at this point.

[will19]

I felt like I squandered the day today. I didn't do much. There were a few things I wanted to pick up at the stores but I decided not to go because I got a good parking spot outside of where I live, and tomorrow, the parking spaces across the street will all be closed because of some kind of work by the utility company. It's only for a day - says the "no parking" signs put up.

I'm feeling alone and forgotten.

[Rose76]

I wasted another day. I've been vegetating all day waiting for inspiration to strike me.

[3rd rock]

While I was in the hospital on the psychiatric ward, I told the psychiatrist about the novel I'm writing. And she vaguely approved of it, however she cautioned me, because she said often people who are depressed or otherwise mentally ill write about stories and characters that reflect their mental illness and she doesn't think it's a good idea to wallow in it like that. I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of what she said. It's true the main character of my novel is somewhat depressed and severely anxious socially, and his family life resembles mine when I was a teenager. But you know, I have to write what I know. I can't write anything else. And my writing is the only thing that gives my any hope for the future. So I have to continue to write this.

I still have not gotten into treatment. It'll probably be another couple of weeks or so. I'll have to contact my NP to g et prescriptions soon.

[Buffy01]

I’ve been forcing myself to get up and deal with feeling depressed

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

snip:

Just yesterday someone told me "Happy Father's Day". I never had any kids! Geez!

I got that about Mother’s Day in my exercise class. They assume we are all mothers and have loving relationships with our kids. My parents have been deceased for many years now. I don’t have kids either.

I went to the grocery store last Sunday and the Father’s Day stuff was at the front of the store. Cards, balloons and gift ideas. I know it’s the commercialization but it still hurts.

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[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Shahope

I feel horrible today, i have way too many things to do / on my plate and i really feel like it's too hard and i can't handle it. I'm alone and i just don't see a point to anything at this point.

I’m almost always alone and as I get older, I find it harder to get stuff done. Heavy traffic overwhelms me now so I try to drive only if necessary and during non-peak hours.

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[16PennyNail]

I wrestled with some ductwork yesterday in the basement, so now I'm struggling with pain. I just noticed @nonightowl that your location is TARDIS. Is that for Time and Relative Dimensions in Space, that is, Transcendentally Dimensional -Doctor Who? I used to have a PO box at Dragon Con in Atlanta, as I was there so often. The only thing larger than the inside of that would be my nerdiness.

[will19]

Today was a dull and uneventful day. The whole day seemed to drag on. The utility workers came this morning but about three hours later than what was posted on the "no parking" signs.

I have a lot to do tomorrow, so I plan to be busy for most of the morning. i hope that the things I have planned to do will go well.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 16PennyNail

snip: …that your location is TARDIS. Is that for Time and Relative Dimensions in Space, that is, Transcendentally Dimensional -Doctor Who?

Yes the TARDIS from Doctor Who. I’m a Whovian but alas, I can no longer see the “new” series because it’s only available on effing Disney + and I hate Disney. Not giving them a penny. And I wish I could time travel.

Originally Posted by will19

snip: The utility workers came this morning but about three hours later than what was posted on the "no parking" signs.

In my experience those signs are usually wrong.

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