[3rd rock]

Is there any end to the pain? Like the actual, palpable pain. Not a metaphor. The physical sensation of the pain.

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

While I was in the hospital on the psychiatric ward, I told the psychiatrist about the novel I'm writing. And she vaguely approved of it, however she cautioned me, because she said often people who are depressed or otherwise mentally ill write about stories and characters that reflect their mental illness and she doesn't think it's a good idea to wallow in it like that. I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of what she said. It's true the main character of my novel is somewhat depressed and severely anxious socially, and his family life resembles mine when I was a teenager. But you know, I have to write what I know. I can't write anything else. And my writing is the only thing that gives my any hope for the future. So I have to continue to write this.

I still have not gotten into treatment. It'll probably be another couple of weeks or so. I'll have to contact my NP to g et prescriptions soon.

Yet the writer Matt Haig has written some brilliant successful fiction inspired by his own experience of anxiety and depression. So many of us have got validation and insight from reading them.

[Rose76]

Tired. Still in bed. Depressed.

So far, today was better than yesterday and Tuesday. I was busy being out-and-about this morning. I got all I needed. I'll be pretty busy in the next few days - mostly during the mornings.

Nothing much this afternoon. I feel pretty good for accomplishing things in the mornings but then I feel let down with not much going on in the afternoons.

[3rd rock]

I booked an intake date for residential treatment today. They told me on the phone they do allow cell phone possession, but not other electronics like tablets. I bought my tablet specifically so I could continue to write during spare time while undergoing treatment, but now I won't be able to do that. It is possible to write on my phone, using the Microsoft Word app for Android, but it's less efficient due to the much smaller screen. Still, I suppose I'll have to make do. My objective is to get a minimum of 60,000 words towards the first draft by the time I enter treatment, and then complete the remaining ~16,000 words while undergoing treatment. I should be able to do this. Then I'll start on rewrites after getting out of treatment.

I'm feeling very apprehensive about treatment. They said you have to give samples for drug tests on arrival. That's nothing really to worry about, however I did test positive for fentanyl once in a recent test even though I have never used fentanyl in my life. The nurse who administered the test said it was a false positive, and that those can occur from time to time. I'm also feeling very depressed right now, and I'm trying to focus on my writing so as to keep my thoughts occupied. As long as I can do that, I can keep the worst and most dangerous thoughts keep at bay.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Yet the writer Matt Haig has written some brilliant successful fiction inspired by his own experience of anxiety and depression. So many of us have got validation and insight from reading them.

I didn’t know that about him and I’ve read some of his books. And I’ve loved what I read so far. I do know that many authors and actors will pursue stories or characters they know. Or draw on their own experiences. There’s nothing like experience.

Originally Posted by will19

snip:

I feel pretty good for accomplishing things in the mornings but then I feel let down with not much going on in the afternoons.

I’ve found I need to have a sense of accomplishment now and then. So I’ve been trying to clean up paper clutter like old statements, receipts, user manuals for stuff I no longer have, etc. It brings back both good and bad memories so I have to pace myself. I can only do 1 or 2 file folders in one day. And definitely not daily.

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Sent from my iPhone

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

snip: It is possible to write on my phone, using the Microsoft Word app for Android, but it's less efficient due to the much smaller screen. Still, I suppose I'll have to make do.

I know how hard it is to use a tiny screen. I’ve just had this phone a few years yet I can at least get online. During the Covid lockdowns I was cut off completely since I relied on the libraries for that.. I missed the people I talk to here and couldn’t email my only real life friend.

Now that I have it I don’t see how I got by without it, pre pandemic and all. But I didn’t grow up with this technology, still struggle at times and could never use ONE hand to hold the phone and text simultaneously as young people do. Still I make do with this since I don’t have a computer. I wish the battery was more robust and long lasting but this is how they make money.

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Sent from my iPhone

[Rose76]

I improved a bit today. I went out to get a haircut. I filled the birdfeeders. I wrote checks to pay some bills. I finally unpacked my suitcase. It's been overcast all day, which I liked because it cooled things off.

[3rd rock]

The mirtazapine is having no effect on my depressive symptoms.

[Rose76]

Yesterday was a day I wasted. I should try to do better today.

I'm feeling depressed because it's hot outside yesterday and today. It was pretty nice and cool all along and then the temps just turned way up. I tend to be depressed on hot days.

Yesterday, while cleaning, I got a voicemail from my sister saying that my cousin's husband had to go to hospital. I didn't get any details specifically. He was alright for me but I wasn't close to him and my cousin. He must be about 90 or so.

I called my sister this morning and she said it wasn't a good time to talk. She always says that when I call and that's why I don't call her. She talked to me briefly saying that my cousin's husband has congested heart failure. He took a turn for the worst this morning.

The weird part about talking to my sister is that she told me she has to go out with her daughter and a friend (it's either my nieces' friend or my sister's, I'm not sure). It was all so fast. It seems like my niece (who is around age 27) hasn't grown up and launched. My sister doesn't seem to be concerned about it. I'm feeling like I don't care if I never speak to my family again.

Sorry this is a bit long.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

snip: I'm feeling depressed because it's hot outside yesterday and today.

Sorry this is a bit long.

It’s hot here too and that means more neighbor noise. People have their doors and windows open. And parties too. There’s a carnival around the corner from me and last night I heard the booming from the bass from the live music. Thankfully today is the last day. Later I was awakened by police helicopters circling. I kept thinking about it and couldn’t sleep for hours. I don’t even feel safe in my building anymore. I don’t know what happened but ignorance is bliss in this case. I kept thinking how the city has deteriorated so much and wondered who to call if something happened. The police were circling almost an hour.

I don’t care if I ever see or talk to my surviving “family” again. I’m awfully sorry to hear of such bad news. And I never mind your posts, regardless of length.



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Sent from my iPhone

[3rd rock]

This novel is really terrible. I don't even have anyone to read a portion of it and provide feedback. I'll have to figure that out in the future. I'll finish the first draft, then one round of rewrites, then try and track down someone who might be willing to read at least part of it and provide criticism. I'm really trying with this one to write the best novel I know how. But it's still probably not going to turn out good enough to be published. Still, I have to cling to the delusional fantasy that it will not only be published but also will become a bestseller. Otherwise, I have no hope for the future.

[nonightowl]

Unfortunately I found out on the local news that a fatal stabbing occurred at the local carnival by me. That’s literally down the block from me, where it happened. It was between gang members, two teenagers. The assailant fled the scene around 10:30pm, around the time those helicopters arrived. I didn’t look at the clock but that sounds about right, as I was in bed awhile. I’m more anxious than ever now and that news clip caught me off guard.

The landlord inspection of smoke alarms and the toilet (for some reason) is over thankfully. Even though I knew they were coming I was so anxious about it and hated the disruption even though it took literally a minute. One of our maintenance guys headed to my kitchen when he knows I don’t have an alarm in there. I asked what is he doing there? He then gives me a snotty reply that if I don’t WANT it. Didn’t say that. The notice said check alarms, not install new ones in more areas.

This wasn’t the city inspector but the landlord. So I’ll have disruption again next year sometime.

If they want to put one in my kitchen they can come back. I wasn’t ready for that. Unlike most people I still have carpet and I didn’t want him tracking dirt on my carpet walking through the living room to get to the kitchen. Gosh I’m getting worse with change and disruption as I get older. Maybe it’s the uncertain and chaotic times we are in?



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Sent from my iPhone

This day is not halfway over yet but already there's weirdness. I went out early this morning to have a smog check and then the place couldn't take me because the computer wasn't working. And then I went to another smog place and was told the person doing it passed away recently. It seemed like the last time I went to that second place a couple of years ago, they told me the exact same thing.

Last night I was watching a movie on my laptop (that's what I always do) and just near the end the laptop just shut down by itself suddenly and unexpectedly. I had to start it up again, and thank goodness, it worked. The laptop must have overheated.

I'm feeling depressed because of the hot weather (what that makes me feel depressed) and the weirdness that's been going on. There doesn't seem to be good things going on for me lately. I'm feeling like I'm in The Twilight Zone.

To Nonightowl ---> sorry to hear about that stabbing incident nearby. Something like that would give me creeps. And yes, the slightest bit of change that I didn't want can send me in a whirl. I get anxious at those apartment inspections, too, even though they turn out OK.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

This day is not halfway over yet but already there's weirdness. I went out early this morning to have a smog check and then the place couldn't take me because the computer wasn't working. And then I went to another smog place and was told the person doing it passed away recently. It seemed like the last time I went to that second place a couple of years ago, they told me the exact same thing.

Last night I was watching a movie on my laptop (that's what I always do) and just near the end the laptop just shut down by itself suddenly and unexpectedly. I had to start it up again, and thank goodness, it worked. The laptop must have overheated.

I'm feeling depressed because of the hot weather (what that makes me feel depressed) and the weirdness that's been going on. There doesn't seem to be good things going on for me lately. I'm feeling like I'm in The Twilight Zone.

To Nonightowl ---> sorry to hear about that stabbing incident nearby. Something like that would give me creeps. And yes, the slightest bit of change that I didn't want can send me in a whirl. I get anxious at those apartment inspections, too, even though they turn out OK.

Thanks Will, I knew you’d understand. And thanks for giving me a safe place to post. I’ve had trouble getting smogs too because my regular garage sometimes have had their machine going down. Thankfully it was working the week I went, but it was just down the previous week! A few years ago I waited until it was up because I didn’t want to go to a strange place. (That’s change!) I’m glad it wasn’t a test only station I had to go to. My garage isn’t a test only station.

What I really hate is not all states even require it. The cost of both the test and the registration fee go up every year.

This city is out of control. I don’t feel safe at all anywhere now. There was a shooting outside a library I visited before but not in a long time. It shattered the windows and this was during normal hours. So patrons were inside. It was also gang related. They showed that on the news too. I was thinking of not watching the news at all but want to be informed on what things can happen. I just listen to headlines but even that is a bit much now.

I hate the heat too.

About your laptop, my tv suddenly switched to headphone mode even though I didn’t plug in the headphones! Thankfully the sound returned but I had to insert and remove the headphones to make that happen. I hope it’s not my tv. That never happened before.
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Sent from my iPhone

[nonightowl]

Will if you ever delete your account please give me a heads up. You’re one of the few people that can relate to my experiences……

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Sent from my iPhone

[Buffy01]

I decided to try to heal some old emotional wounds

[Rose76]

I am very hurt and depressed. I'm making it worse by doing all the wrong things - like staying in bed, not cleaning up in the kitchen, not even stepping out to get my mail.

[3rd rock]

I have reached a decision on this novel, and I'm in the process of drastically rewriting the story. I'm sort of stealing from another novel I've read, or if you want to be charitable you could say I'm taking inspiration from it. I have to scrap entire elements of the story, especially at the end. But if it produces a stronger story overall in the end, it's worth it.

I have an intake date for treatment. It's July 10. I'm rather nervous about it, and I suspect I'll get even more nervous as the date draws nearer. But I think I'll be able to do it. Additionally, I am struggling with depressive thoughts and feelings, which the medication doesn't seem to be having much effect on. The doctors at the hospital took me off my prior meds and put me on new ones. It sometimes seems each psychiatrist has their pet favorite meds, which seems rather odd to me as they should just favor the meds that are most effective. Regardless, I'm managing to survive.

[Rose76]

Depressed.

[3rd rock]

Nothing works. Exercise doesn't work. Medications don't really do anything. Drugs and alcohol just make the problem work. Lately I've been thinking about my retirement and it just seems impossible to imagine that I'm going to live another thirty years.

Today was a nice day. I got up at 5:30 AM to do the laundry and it all went well. After doing the laundry I went to get a smog check on my car. That went well. I was the only one there - no waiting! I passed, so that was great. The man who did it was nice . Last Monday, as I had said on here at that time, I went to that smog check place and the computer wasn't working. I hated to have to go back but it went well, so I was pleased.

I did some light shopping afterwards and got some good deals. I felt like I got what I needed and saved quite a bit. That was needed!

In the afternoon my old friend from college called me. It went OK. He's a nice guy and a good friend; but it seems like he doesn't talk very well. Something seems off with him.

[Calla lily12]

Today is just a hold over from last night. I started feeling very tense and argumentative.
After a while I started feeling very sad but I couldn't cry. I felt self destructive. I still feel very tense and angry today. I really hate this.

[Calla lily12]

Now I feel invisible . Once again, I seem to be the Jack Kevorkian of threads. I give up.