[blueteef]

Hi everyone.

I've had depression on and off for as long as I can remember, but this most recent hit of it has been the absolute worst.

If you're a Harry Potter fan, it's almost as if all of my joy has been completely sucked out by a Dementor.

This started in November 2024, and it genuinely felt quite instant the way my whole view on the world switched. I haven't felt like myself since, and because it's been a few months now, I have reached a point of feeling like I am a complete stranger to myself. I don't recognise who I am, and I don't remember who I used to be.

All I know is that I used to feel much better than this, and no matter what I try, I frustratingly cannot return back to my previous state of mind.

My doctor has prescribed me some antidepressants that I have never tried before, so I reluctantly said yes. Usually, I am hesitant to try medication, as I've had some awful side-effects and withdrawal symptoms I never want to experience again.

As well as this, I've now been given a date for talking therapy, but it's over the phone. This wouldn't be too bad, if it wasn't for the fact that I occasionally have terrible reception where I live. I can work around this of course, so it's not that big of a deal. The 10th of June is my first appointment.

I've been on the meds for a few months now, and I have noticed no change in my mood. In fact, I feel as though I have gradually become more and more depressed as time has gone on. I have no hope for the talking therapy, because I've also had that many times in my life, to the point where I can already predict what the therapist will tell me to do. I'm doing all the things I should be doing, but nothing is working.

I guess my question is, am I stuck like this? I know I have crawled my way out of bouts of depression before, but this time it feels so much heavier. This time, it is like I am crawling in the wrong direction, or I cannot find the light. I want so badly to get better, but as each day passes with no change, the only sense of relief I get is when I think about doing something... cowardly.

I'd love to be able to just rot away in bed all day, but I have people who rely on me and responsibilities I cannot ignore. Every morning I feel burnt out before the day has even begun. I need to recharge, but I don't know how. I just want the world to stop for a week or two, so I can just breathe. Sometimes I genuinely think about just running away. I'm 33 years old, so it feels a bit silly to say that, but it is an enticing idea.

I wish I could wholeheartedly believe that there is an end to this despair, but I can't even imagine it, let alone see it.

[eksistor]

Dear @blueteef Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing as I know it can be very difficult to talk about this stuff. The weird thing is that sharing your personal journey helps not only you but others who are here already.

It's good that you have ways to get around the unpredictable phone reception. Hopefully after your initial consultation you can move to in person in order to have a more reliable connection.

The best I can tell you is that it is possible to get through depression. Sounds like you know this already but keep it in mind as it also sounds like this is a particularly sharp detour in your life. I share your reluctance for medication, and depending on the situation some healthy skepticism can be helpful. If it's been a few months and you haven't noticed a change, I would bring it up with my doctor. When I was on antidepressants they always started on a lower dosage first before increasing the dose to a more effective level.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know that anything someone can say could possibly sound like empty platitudes but maybe you're willing to see through that.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by blueteef

Hi everyone.

I've had depression on and off for as long as I can remember, but this most recent hit of it has been the absolute worst.

If you're a Harry Potter fan, it's almost as if all of my joy has been completely sucked out by a Dementor.

This started in November 2024, and it genuinely felt quite instant the way my whole view on the world switched. I haven't felt like myself since, and because it's been a few months now, I have reached a point of feeling like I am a complete stranger to myself. I don't recognise who I am, and I don't remember who I used to be.

All I know is that I used to feel much better than this, and no matter what I try, I frustratingly cannot return back to my previous state of mind.

My doctor has prescribed me some antidepressants that I have never tried before, so I reluctantly said yes. Usually, I am hesitant to try medication, as I've had some awful side-effects and withdrawal symptoms I never want to experience again.

As well as this, I've now been given a date for talking therapy, but it's over the phone. This wouldn't be too bad, if it wasn't for the fact that I occasionally have terrible reception where I live. I can work around this of course, so it's not that big of a deal. The 10th of June is my first appointment.

I've been on the meds for a few months now, and I have noticed no change in my mood. In fact, I feel as though I have gradually become more and more depressed as time has gone on. I have no hope for the talking therapy, because I've also had that many times in my life, to the point where I can already predict what the therapist will tell me to do. I'm doing all the things I should be doing, but nothing is working.

I guess my question is, am I stuck like this? I know I have crawled my way out of bouts of depression before, but this time it feels so much heavier. This time, it is like I am crawling in the wrong direction, or I cannot find the light. I want so badly to get better, but as each day passes with no change, the only sense of relief I get is when I think about doing something... cowardly.

I'd love to be able to just rot away in bed all day, but I have people who rely on me and responsibilities I cannot ignore. Every morning I feel burnt out before the day has even begun. I need to recharge, but I don't know how. I just want the world to stop for a week or two, so I can just breathe. Sometimes I genuinely think about just running away. I'm 33 years old, so it feels a bit silly to say that, but it is an enticing idea.

I wish I could wholeheartedly believe that there is an end to this despair, but I can't even imagine it, let alone see it.

The short answer to your question? If you continue pushing yourself to find what your body needs to rise above this, you will eventually get better, maybe not "cured", but better. Not all people with depression respond to meds and/or talk therapy. I never did either. What did help me was natural remedies. At least, until I became diabetic and my body chemistry completely switched up again .. so now I am back at square one trying to figure out my body all over again. I'm not telling you it's hopeless. What I am saying is .. your body will teach you and show you what it needs - if you let it. Just do some looking into natural things that might help, and test them out one by one and little by little .. just like a doc does not prescribe a high dose of a drug initially, neither should you push natural remedies at an overwhelmingly high amount initially either. Start slow, notice what brings progress, what stagnates, and what makes you worse. Then figure out how much and how often to do the things that bring progress.

Sometimes, we need to listen to our own bodies more than we need to listen to professionals.

[Discombobulated]

This is going to sound like a cliche, sorry, but sometimes it’s one small step at a time, not big ones that lift us up. Can you find one thing each day, no matter how small, just for you? Maybe a favourite TV show, or rewatching a Harry Potter movie, or making yourself something nice to eat even if it’s just a snack. Reminding yourself that you matter and you will support yourself through this hard time.

You write people rely on you, I wonder if that’s a factor in how you’ve become ground down? Maybe there’s something in your life you need to change, maybe not I don’t know.

I agree with Crypts, everyone is different, meds don’t work for everyone, and not necessarily therapy either. Personally I didn’t have a great experience with nhs talking therapy last year, but many years ago I had a good therapist who truly listened to me and helped me figure things out in my mind. Therapy can vary hugely in my experience. It’s good you’re giving it a go.

If it helps to check in here then that’s a good option too. Take care.

[Calla lily12]

Hi Blue. I believe there's hope. There's always hope! (I didn't think so either) Please when you speak with the doctor make sure he/ she really hears how bad you're feeling. Make sure to advocate for yourself. There are many options out there ,but I don't want to push anything on you. Just cause one med doesn't help, there could be another that will. Ask the doctor what options are there.
I'll be thinking of you.