I don't want to get depressed like a year ago.

Last year I got very depressed the first week of November. It lasted for months, which is unusual for me. By February, I was getting concerned that I'ld felt so down for so long. I twisted my primary doctor's arm into referring me to a psychologist who was part of the healthcare system I belong to. This psychologist was seeing me only about once per month, but I was improving. By mid-July, I was a lot better.

From mid-July until last week, I was doing pretty okay. But I'm not okay now. That psychologist left our system in September. He gave me the name and number of another psychologist outside our system. I'm starting to feel like I did a year ago. The holidays are coming, and I'm scared of getting real depressed again. It's already starting. This past spring, I got into a really awful state. I called a crisis line, and they called for first responders to check on me. I think they were a pair of social workers who came by. They were nice and got me an appointment to see a counselor right away. They came back the next day to check on me again. I had managed to pull myself together by that morning.

Medicare wouldn't pay the counselor, so I just saw the psychologist, which seemed like enough. Now he's gone, and I'm seeing no one. I'm trying to make an appointment with the psychologist he recommended, but haven't gotten through to her yet.

I've been not wanting to leave my apartment, not even to check my mailbox. Today I was in bed most of the day, even though I had enough sleep last night. The bed is like a powerful magnet. I keep wanting to just lie down and watch YouTube videos on my tablet. I know I'm alone too much. Up until last week, I was forcing myself to get out and do things, like going to an yoga class. People there were nice. Yet, I stopped going.

I've battled social phobia all my life. When I do, I can pass myself off as a fairly normal person. I was pushing myself in that direction and I was improving. But the "push" suddenly all drained out of me. Now I have no one to offer me some encouragement, which I tend to respond well to. I feel like I'm in free-fall, sliding down that steep slope that leads to Depression Canyon.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try calling for an appointment with that other psychologist. I don't think that will even do any good. It's up to me to push myself toward meaningful involvement with others. But I wake up feeling like I have no energy to do anything or to go anywhere.

The urge to stay in bed or on the couch feels overwhelming. I know that's classic depression. I don't think any professionals take me seriously. Once I get to a provider's office, I guess I do look and sound just fine. I've had a lifetime of practicing how to "act normal" no matter what's going on inside my head. I've perfected the art of putting on an acceptable front. The responders who came to my house last spring saw how I really was, which was embarrassing. But it was necessary. I don't want to get like that again.

Hi @Rose76 - sorry to hear last November was rough for you. It is sounding like every day is challenging.

I agree you sound depressed. One thing I start asking myself what is one thing I can do today. Maybe the dishes or take a shower or make my bed. Then I can say I did something.

Some people with depression respond to talk therapy, while others respond better with med therapy. For that you may need to see a psychiatrist.

Keep us updated on what is happening.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

Thanks. I'll keep in mind the advice and try to get one thing done.

And post here as much as you need okay?

I hear you re the whole presenting too well to professionals, I suspect that’s been an issue for me too, maybe open your conversation with a Dr or whoever by explaining that fact before they make false assumptions.

I'm getting worse, staying in bed way too much. I have no support IRL. Just sitting at the kitchen table feels tiring.

To top it all off a few valuable items are missing from my apartment. It's looking like they were stolen. One item was a piece of jewelry given to me when I was 12. It was gold and possibly worth over a thousand dollars. It was of very great sentimental value. My life now is a series of losses. I tell myself it was just a thing. I don't have a lot of things. Now I'm in tears. Until today, I thought I might find my lost piece of jewelry. But after all the searching, I think it really is gone. It didn't walk away. I thought my apartment was safe. I was away from it a great deal when my boyfriend was sick, and various repairmen were let in by the property owner. There's been a series of 5 different landlords in the past 15 years. One of them could have got in and taken stuff, which breaks my heart to suspect that. I'm a very good tenant.

I'm thinking of calling one of my sisters to talk about the loss of that piece of jewelry. But I'm afraid I might not get much sympathy. I want to just give up.

Much worse tragedies happen to people, and they manage to get on with life. You can weather anything when you have love in your life. That piece of jewelry happened to represent a lot of love. It was given to me by my parents for a very special situation. I've just thought of another item of jewelry that is missing. It was also of very deep sentimental value. It was of heavy silver, a family heirloom, entrusted to me. It was beautiful and it meant so much. My parents are deceased. The silver piece was my mother's. It was my most important keepsake from my mother. It was precious to her and to me. It was even more important than the gold piece. I only just now faced that it, too, might be gone. I keep having losses that hurt badly.

I know I'm not doing enough to make my life better. I complain of feeling lonely, but I stay by myself mostly. When there is love in your life, things don't matter so much. My few precious little pieces were tokens of tender love that my parents had for me. They are gone, and the little tokens are gone. I tell myself, "Just be glad you had loving parents. Some poor souls have not even had that." It does no good right now to try and count my blessings. Without loving relationships, life is not worth anything.

Gentle hugs if wanted Rose.

I’m so sorry you’re missing these precious objects which have great significance in your life, given the connection they have to your parents it’s understandable you’re feeling great loss.

This might not be relevant but maybe it might make you feel better to take some sort of action. There are relatively simple camera systems you can set up and twin with your cell phone even, they can even be covert. It might help you feel more secure going forward although sadly won’t bring back the beautiful items you’ve possibly had stolen.

@Discombobulated - Thank you for your kind post and for your practical suggestion. It was comforting to read. I'm very alone, so a few nice words can mean the world to me.

I did call one of my sisters. She was very nice and commiserated with me. She really understood, so I was glad I called her. I only told her about the missing jewelry, not about my depression. I learned long ago that people don't want to listen to a bunch of whining. So I try to not heavy up on others. They got their own problems. Well meaning folk, like my sisters, are eager to help, if there is something concrete they can do. I could call one of my sisters and say I need a thousand dollars right away. She'ld immediately wire it to me. But she hates emotional stuff. A very long time ago, I broke down crying in front of her, and she ran
out of the room. From that and other things, I learned not to express any negative emotion around her. My other sister is less judgemental and much easier to talk with.

I've had too many stressors that came too close together over the past two years. (Like my brother dying in April from a drug overdose.) From mid-July to mid-October, I was doing okay and felt hopeful that I was recovering. It is horribly disappointing to be back looking down into that yawning pit of despair and feel myself being sucked into it. I can't let that happen, like it happened this past spring.

Today I have felt very afraid that I don't have what it takes to cope with this life.

When I tell healthcare professionals that I struggle with recurrent serious depression, I don't think they believe me. No one takes me serious.

Twenty years ago, I was in a severe bout of depression. I called a crisis line. The person who answered told me I was exaggerating my problems and just looking for attention. When I got off the phone I got drunk. Then I took a box cutter and cut up my arms, hoping I would bleed to death. I ended up in the hospital for a week.

I'm not a "cutter." I never self-harmed before that. I've never self-harmed since. But I remember how awful it felt to not be believed.

I'm a little more mature now. I have no thoughts of harming myself in any fashion. I just wish I could talk to someone who would take me seriously.

Wow that crisis line person was so far out of line it’s impossible to overstate. How on earth does a person like that end up in a position of such responsibility with vulnerable people? Oh my gosh. Let’s hope at some point they got spotted and dealt with by the organisation.