[hamstergirl]

I talked with the dietician again and I told her I was going on Meals on Wheels full time, but that my grocery budget would only allow me to get one meal a day

She said "You can't live off of one meal a day." She wants me to get more food.

I would like to know what planet this woman comes from that she thinks I can get more food so easily. Even if I were to add only $40 dollars to my food budget per month. That would only get me a box of cereal and 2 litres of milk every week and that's exactly how long both would last me, a week.

I live on $930 a month. That must cover all of my expenses. And I don't get a free ride just because I am in a wheelchair. Far from it. I must pay for additional expenses, like medication. A phone is mandatory, because my bus must be booked 24 hours in advance. Those bus tickets cost the same for me as they do for everyone else.

Some of you may be casting a jaundiced eye on this message and thinking of my computer. It is a mere $200 clunker, purchased with tax refund money one April. If it broke down, I would have a real crisis replacing it, because it would take me at least two to three months to raise the funds to do so.

Besides, this computer is my only contact with the outside world. I don't talk to people at my church easily, ^%^$ at all!! The only way I can communicate with Doug is through e-mail and he's my life preserver right about now. I also need it to write.

I do not have the money to go to museums or to go out for coffee with friends. If I want to buy a CD or a video game, I must make a choice between the two. I do not have a lot of books and I used to be an avid reader. I do not have a subscription to a newspaper. If I want clothes or a bus pass, something has to be sacrificed. Usually, the sacrifice hurts deeply.

Part of the reason why I do not go out is because I am continually lacking in funds. It is deeply embarrassing to have people continually to pick up the tab for meals.

There are social outings for the handicapped at the recreation centre, but even these demand an obscene amount of money up front. $50 for 3 months once a week, and bus fare may or may not be included.

I am a human being, not a prisoner in a Third World prison. That is exactly what you become when you live on a government cheque month after month. I can not even afford train fare to see my family. When I die, the government will pay to bury me.

If someone tells me to be grateful, I'll scream. Be grateful or what? They'll throw me out on to the street or into a nursing home? They'll euthanize me? That happens to my colleagues more often than I want to know.

All these things I don't have are because I don't have enough money and I have very little hope of finding employment with the way things are, no hope with the pain like this.

And Ms. Dietician wants me to find more money for more food. She says it would be nice to see me having some fruit or some juice. She says I can't live on one meal a day.

Yes, it would be nice, but it's a pipe dream. If I can't live on one meal a day then what am I doing here,typing this message? If you're so smart, Ms Dietician, figure that one out! And I've been living on worse meals than what M.O.W would be dealing out. Beans and rice. Pasta mixed with canned corn and tomatoes. Frozen burritos. None of this three meals a day, pie in the sky nonsense you've been harping about.

You can live on three meals a day on an ODSP cheque, but you would go insane fairly quickly. Your meals would be all you had to look forward to. I would not be with you on-line. I would not have the cats. I would not have the video games. No bus pass. No clothes. (Bear in mind that any physical activity for me for recreational purposes is out of the question....unless I wanted broken bones.)

The scary part is I'm one of the lucky ones. Many people cannot even find a place to live on the paltry sum the government pays them and ODSP is a disabillity cheque for people whose disability would affect their chances of finding work. Everyone who is capable of working gets a much lower amount.

Because I looked for subsidized housing, I have that roof over my head and that one meal a day. I see many of my disabled colleagues begging in the streets because they don't have enough to live on. It brings disgrace on all of us. It tells people that's all we're good for: begging. I haven't stooped that low and I won't. I wouldn't even use a food bank for years. I still have my pride. It's stupid, I know. But I don't want anyone giving me things when I could be working. I have a good mind and two working hands. I don't see myself as disabled enough to be permanently kept from the workforce, even with my pain.

I feel a lot of guilt over my not working. It took a desperate situation for me to even accept help from M.O.W. When an old woman berated a panhandler begging for money in front of the church, saying she had worked all her life, I felt it was a direct shot at me.

I should have taken this help years earlier. Because cooking was such a burden for me. But I told myself it was laziness, not depression and not my disability. I thought I should have been able to handle it.

Father Lindsay is happy that I'll be getting the help I need. I'm not sure about Doug. But for me, it feels like a step down, like falling off a cliff.

I wish I could work, but that just isn't possible.

Sorry to rant on like this, but that dietician made me feel like a rank incompetant for not living on three meals a day. And where am I going to get money for something to drink now that my grocery money will be gone paying for this? More sacrifices???

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[lenjan]

I work fulltime and can't afford food, clothes, or outings either. Most times after paying my bills, I have $20 to $40 left till next payday (I get paid on the 15th and 31st, not every two weeks). Sometimes I'm lucky to see that. My lights are getting shut off if I can't come up with $200 within the next week or so.

My point is, even working doesn't guarantee a decent standard of living. It doesn't really do much for your sense of self-worth, either, if you're so undervalued by your employer that you can't live on what they pay you. Frankly, for the 7 months I was unemployed a couple years ago, I made more money on unemployment, and I felt only moderately guilty for taking it (my tax dollars at work, after all).

And yes, I still feel like a pathetic loser and a slimebag when I go to a food pantry, but in better days I contributed to those places and now it is my turn to humble myself completely and take something back. It sucks, yes.

I have friends who try to do what they can, but I get tired of mooching off them all the time.

I imagine it is twice as hard with a disability, and I sympathize with you, but just know a job isn't always what it's cracked up to be.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

[dexter]

hamstergirl... this was only a small part of your post, but I would never judge someone because they "have a computer". Of course I know how important that is as a means of contact, but even if I didn't I think people who go around assuming and judging are just stupid. Which I think is your point anyway.

The other thing is that I might have a "clunker" computer here somewhere that I may be able to get working again. Do you know the basic specs of your computer... what kind of processor, how much memory? Just to compare what I might have here to be sure it will run what you need it to. If you can't run the software to connect to the internet it won't do you much good. You can PM me if you don't want to broadcast your computer specs.

I can't do anything while I am in crisis mode now, but if things clear up for me in a few weeks or a few months, I can take a look and see if I have a "backup" for you.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[gloria]

Hamstergirl, having a computer nowadays is almost as important as having a telephone, I consider it almost a basic need.

People can no longer be disconected to the world, so there, don't even worry about it.

About your finances, just do what you can, something to think about is SHARE. It is a food program that is not for the needy but for the carying.

You pay $10 or $12 dlls. volunteer two hours at your church or where ever you want a month, and they give you approx. $50 worth of food. You don't have to "qualify" or anything like that, you just enroll. I've done it before, it is good brand name food. And again, it is not for the needy, is for the people that care enough to volunteer somewhere and get good food.

there are no restrictions in regards to where you can volunteer, so, if you like your church, that is good enough.

Let me know if you are interested.

gab

[LadyDragus]

you know Hamstergirl.
I fully understand what you are saying,
I live on $234 a month for a family of 2...
I do live with someone else that helps my fiance, but his income goes to pay for the house and car ect...
So I knwo how hard it is to live on a fixed income..

I am so sorry, I knew it was bad up where you lived but I did not think it was that bad..
I do feel for you Hamstergirl

<font color=blue>
I am not worthy of your love
I am seeking worth
Let me find it now
Let me look for it with you
I am not worthy of your friendship
Help me to find it

[hamstergirl]

Does your hydro company have equal billing?

Basically it spreads a total year's hydro payments evenly over 12 months. I had to take that because I kept getting "pink slips" from the power company under my door. (ie threats to shut off the power.) It's a life-saver, particularly in northern climates.

I know that if I took a telemarketing job, I wouldn't be much better off money wise. And telemarketers are seen as the scum of the earth by many people. But it would be the only paying job I could think of, that I could do, short of getting a university education. I wouldn't last that long at it either. The last time I tried it, I had to raise money for the hospital that caused my nerve damage. I quit after one night, and after hearing anti-disability comments made by others.

It's just I want to know that I have some control over how much money comes into this house. Right now, I don't have that control.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[hamstergirl]

SHARE sounds good. Unfortunately, I'm way up here in Canada and probably a little out of their range. I also have to wait for the pain to get under control, which if today's phone call to the doctor is any indication, could take forever.

I asked him if my X-ray and bone density scan had been scheduled yet. I was promptly told by his secretary that "these things take time". I've been waiting for over a month.

Try listening to that line when it hurts for you to sit up in a wheelchair. Try listening to that one when you can't prepare your own meals any more and must shell out over $100/month for one meal a day and when your life's gone down the toilet.

Am I going to end up in a nursing home before anything gets done?

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Peanut61]

I thought that was a very nice offer that Dexter made about the computor.

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[hamstergirl]

Thanks to the subsidized housing, it seemed "bearable". I tolerated these conditions for years. Now that I've degenerated, things are about to get a lot worse.

When I first came here and read that my depression should have been cured in only a short time, I knew something was wrong, because my depression has lingered. I resolved to get every bit of help that I could for my condition. I even started journaling to keep track of other symptoms. And I was open with the staff in charge of my care, no matter how obnoxious they seemed at times.

But allowing the dietician into my life was clearly a big mistake, as I have mentioned her on here before. In addition to her mentioning that "one meal was not enough to live on," she was constantly asking me if anyone was coming in to mop the kitchen floor or to clean the carpet. That's not in the attendant's job description.

I think maybe vaccuming the carpet is, but that's about it. And hearing the vacuum cleaner irritated me at the best of times. Now it's the worst. And if I can't afford more than one meal a day, then how can I hire someone to mop the kitchen floor?

This woman is nice, but she is out of touch with reality. She can railroad me into a nursing home if I'm not careful. With my poverty, disability and mental illness, I am vulnerable to overtures from bureaucrats like her, but I, unlike most people, am not blind. I will do what it takes to get this person out of my life, should she prove to be a threat, even tell her that I'll go to a church lunch club to get extra food. (With my pain, I'll never make it to either church. I can't even make it to the grocery store now. A bus pass would cost $60. The only way to travel when on a disability pension is by wheelchair. Even a bus pass is a luxury.)

She is looking into getting a special diet allowance, but I don't trust her as far as I can spit.

It's just a matter of time before she's gone. And if she's not, I'll revolt. Because if she's waiting for the day I'll get three square meals a day before she leaves, she'll be stuck with me for life.

If she's not gone soon, I might just throw her out of my apartment, or be very tempted to. I wish I could, but she has too much power.

Actually, I want her out of my hair now, desperately.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Shelley --

There already are lots of good suggestions here, so I'm not going to add much. I had to ask my T this week to STOP making suggestions, bec. I felt overwhelmed by so many.

I wish I could help you materially. I agree w/those who see no need for you to feel guilty about owning a computer.

Or, for that matter, for accepting gifts of a meal, movies, a book, from other people. Learning to accept help and outright kindess from others has been very difficult for me, and I am still working onit. I even find it hard to accept compliments -- and I wonder what other people are seeing in me that I'm NOT seeing, and wonder how they can say such nice things about me. And why my family doesn't see these nice things about me.

I hope you find a food bank. Perhaps someplace that recycles books and magazines.

I am trying to learn about how to set up a free website (for example, at bravenet.com) that would get enough traffic so that if it carried affiliate ads, I might get a little extra income from that. I'm still not quite sure how the whole process works -- and, of course, it would have to be set up so that it didn't cancel out the disability income.

But of course, when my body hurts -- and I know my physical pain is relatively minor -- and when my depression is spiking -- doing anything productive is out of the question.

I am glad that you checked in with us, HamsterGirl. I was worried when you weren't here for a few days. Guess I should have PM'ed. Didn't think of it til just now.

[hamstergirl]

Dexter, that was very good of you. I didn't know what to say. Sorry about the delay. I can feel myself withdrawing from civilization again, even as my pain is getting better.

I don't know if I'll ever get over this social phobia. My mental health nurse wants to know when I'll get back in touch with my Dungeons and Dragons group. I'm like: "I don't know."

Isolating is like shielding myself from the cruelty of the world. I heard somebody in a coffee shop today yelling that people in wheelchairs shouldn't be out in the streets. I wanted to go over and punch out his lights. It really hurt. I have a hard enough time being social without hearing comments like "wheelchair b****" thrown around me as if I can't hear them.

My hearing is perfectly sound. I went to the same schools they did. I had a right to do so. Why shouldn't we be out in the streets? Comments like that leave me feeling threatened. It's pure hatred. I wish it would stop!

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[dexter]

I used to be a rollercoaster fiend (hope I can be sometime again) and we are used to waiting in VERY LONG lines for a ride.

Every park has an access ramp for wheelchair (some have an elevator to the loading platform) . When someone in a wheelchair comes up (obviously it is someone who can get out of the wheelchair to ride the coaster) the staff asks whoever is next in the queue to ride in that seat to please wait for the next train. They load the person in the wheelchair, and the people waiting board the next train.

A few summers ago I waited in a huge long line for a coaster (I was by myself that day). There was a bunch of girls in front of me. When they reached the front of the queue, the attendant asked them to wait so soemone in a wheelchair could ride. I noticed that the girl in the wheelchair seemed about the same age as these girls.

As they boarded this girl, the girls in front of me started mumbling amongst each other. They were complaining that they had to wait when it was really "their turn" to ride. One of them actually said it "wasn't fair". Bear in mind that these girls were "put out" as to having to wait two minutes and fourteen seconds for the next train to board.

I'll tell you I wanted to smack these girls. I don't know about the guy in your case, but this was a bunch of spoiled rotten brats. I really felt like leaning in and saying "Well I'm sure she would be willing to trade you her seat on this train if you agree to be wheelchair bound for the rest of your life." But I didn't have the nerve. The "its not fair" comment is what really got to me the most. Looking at someone for whom the simple gift of being able to walk whereever they want (including a long rollercoaster queue) and thinking that life is supposed to be fair... to them.

Sometimes... many times in fact... I think people take out their brains and leave them in a jar on the kitchen counter before they leave their house. I was standing behind those girls, thinking "to bad life isn't like a 'Twilight Zone' episode". These girls deserved a little irony in their lives right about then.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[Wants2Fly]

I feel angry just reading about that awful comment. What can one say about such a moron?

If anyone should be kept off the streets, it's people like these!

[dexter]

People should be required to take a "humanity exam" before they leave their houses each day.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[adieuolivaw]

Dexter, I see how generous you are. Why not? You are obviously someone special --- the Little Prince's fox!

Adieu

[Wants2Fly]

One reason why this comment made me so angry is that I've encountered this cruelty --altho on a less grand scale.

I had bad skin allergies when I was a kid, and my classmates made fun of me mercilessly. I'll bet quite a few of us who wind up depressed got similar stuff when we were very young.

Second, I was mugged and seriously injured when I was in my 20s. Fortunately, a very good surgeon corrected creeping paralysis from a spinal injured, and I came out okay.

I'd been mugged on my own front doorstep, in daylight hours, dragged down 11 cement steps on my back.

I decided NO ONE was ever gonna do that to me again. But how could I stop it? A knife? A gun? I wouldn't have had time to reach for either, and they could have been taken and used against me, if I had.

Aha. A dog to watch my back! On our newspaper, the woman who started the Devil Dog unit for the US Marines in WW2 was working, and helped me find a companion animal and train it. The breed she chose for me was a Doberman -- and this breed isn't what people think it is, but I'll not get into that stereotype now.

He was of excellent bloodlines, with a sleek body, and long, thin legs, and he looked like a tiny horse in motion when he ran joyfully across a broad field.

I was in a city elevator one day with my dog and a lttle boy said to his mother, "Look at the ugly dog, mom.." And she agreed!

I could only imagine what these two might say to a woman with a baby or child they considered "ugly." Yuch!

[dexter]

>>the Little Prince's fox!

I am still waiting for someone to tame me.

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--http://www.idexter.com