Like most people on here, I just feel like I have to write this down. Keep in mind that Im not that depressed right now, but I have memories from the time when I was depressed all the time, and I remember how horrible it was. On here I will mostly just write about my depression, not my anxiety or later when I developed psychosis up until now. I have a great deal of respect for anyone on here thats going through depression, I know how bad it can get. I think this is going to be kind of long, but I have to write it.

Im only 19 years old, but I have been through really major depressions in my life. I was depressed sometimes when I was little but it wasnt that bad, I also had some anxiety too. I got it real bad 5 years ago when I was 14. I remember crying my eyes a couple times a day. All I did was stare out the window, looking for something, anything, then losing hope and I was looking for nothing. I would play every bad thing that could possibly happen over and over in my head then sit and cry. At first I would do this but parts of my day I would be manic and I would work and clean and exercise. A while later I shut down completely, all I did was sit and stare at things, and when I was alone I would cry.

I was still going to school and getting decent grades but everyone knew something was wrong. I stopped caring about everything. I had no fear of anything, no emotions except for sadness. I hardly ate anything because I didnt care anymore and I didnt exercise. All the color I used to see changed to grey, everything was dull and dark. I remember songs from that time on the radio, everytime I hear them again all I can think of is how bad it was. I would spend hours alone in my room with no light and stare, thinking, and when I couldnt handle it anymore I would cry my eyes out again.

For the next 2 1/2 years after this I was on medication, I was tried on like 5 different medications. Throughout that time my brain was being poisoned by all of that. I couldnt think straight and I wasnt myself, I went to a mental ward 3 different times, only 10 days all together. I would actually rather be depressed than go through all that. My mood changed a lot throughout this time. None of it helped me that much so I refused to take it anymore and havent taken any for 2 1/2 years. Im against taking medication, since I believe it killed my brain. The last 5+ years of my life have been hopeless. I dont get depressed as much anymore but recently I developed psychosis and I always have anxiety. I just hope all this will end one day and Ill get better. I wish my life would get better.

[gimmeice]

(((((Pennkid)))))))
Thank you for sharing your story with us.

[RozG]

((((((Pennkid))))))

Your life will get better, it just takes work and the belief that you're worth it. You do believe you're worth it, right? Well, if you're not in a place where you can believe that atm, I'll do it for you....YOU'RE WORTH IT, hang in there and keep sharing, it helps.

[Christina86]

((((((((PennKid)))))))))))))

I hope your life gets better too.

Thank you for the replies. I am still hanging onto a little hope that my life will one day get better. The sad thing is that Ive been dealing with depression and other mental disorders really bad for the past 5 years. I thought it would end after a little while, but it doesnt seem like that will happen. I cant take much more of this, some days I just want to give up, but I keep going.

[Pseudonym]

It's doable, but it's hard work, like anything worthwhile. You have to fight for it, and use every weapon in your arsenal. Other people may not have this particular battle to fight, but you gotta play the hand you were dealt. I'm proud of you for hanging in there. Been there myself and it's not much fun, as you say. Keep posting when you need to, k?

Wow, that was a lot of metaphors....

Like I said though, Im not dealing with depression that bad right now. I still deal with it, but right now I have it bad with anxiety and Im having signs of psychosis. Im not sure exactly what triggered my psychosis but I hear it can be caused by untreated severe depression, if you have it for a while.

I dont know, Im just so confused right now. I cant think straight and this is messing with my brain. Its making me feel physically sick too. I have no personality and no emotions really, except I get pretty angry sometimes. I dont know, I cant think, I with this will end sometime soon. I also wish the best to all of you.