Suicidal thoughts?

I know I can't be the only person in the world who does this. Sometimes, when life seems so bad that I just CAN NOT go on, I think of ways to kill myself. But the thing is, I don't really want to die, I just want to end the pain. When I was a teen and felt this way, I would hide in my room or the bathroom and cut my legs. I can't do this now because I know someone would notice (my husband) and I am afraid they (he) would try to use it against me. I don't want my kids taken away from me, so I refrain. But where's the pain suppose to go? When I would cut, instead of feeling it emotionally, I'd feel it physically and for some reason, that made things better for a while. Now, though, I can't take the chance of someone finding out. So what am I suppose to do? I can't drink because I'm not a "happy drunk." If I'm in a bad mood before drinking, I end up in a worse mood afterwards. I am afraid to take drugs, so that's a no-go.

What am I suppose to do?

Hello (((Genesis))): There ARE things you can do. We at this site are not qualified to give you advice regarding the prevention of suicide, (although, I would highly recommend this site: http://www.suicidal.com ).

However, I did want to acknowledge your post, and to let you know that others have had feelings/thoughts like those you are expressing, and have been able to find help, and you can to.

Don't give up; remember, 'thoughts are NOT action'.

Warmest regards to you, Peanut

Thank you! It's nice to know there are people who really care!!! I am afraid to make this known because I am so afraid of losing my children! I don't want anyone to assume because I may or may not be a threat to myself, that I would in any way hurt them! I feel like I have to be silent to protect myself and my kids from everyone else.

Edited to add: I've been to that site many times but have never had the nerve to actually call.

Hello Genesis --

I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. I think it's great that your love for children prevents you from harming yourself. When I was in treatment for alcohol addiction, one of the men in recovery said that when he was tempted, he reminded himself what it did to his family and it helped. I said I didn't have anything that would motivate me to stop. He said, "Well, you better get something."

Right now, I feel so low sometimes -- and I don't have anything that makes life worth living. Even my dogs are gone.

So I truly believe that if you have one thing -- and I don't mean to call your children "things" -- that you love so much that it helps you with this temptation, you are blessed in that way.

I also thank you for explaining why you cut yourself -- as a relief for emotional pain. Other people on these forums have mentioned self-cutting, and I have not been able to understand why people do it, and I daresay there are other reasons and psychological dynamics than the one that motivates you. But I've always been afraid to ask, "why do you do it?" because I didn't want to seem insensitive, intrusive, or offensive.

So thank you for sharing that here.

I hope you will get the help you need and that things get better for you.

(((((Genesis)))))

I agree with Peanut, thoughts are not action.

I am not equipped or experienced to help with suicide thoughts, this is only from my own life experiences.

The responsibility of having my child and raising her to the best of my ability has kept me on the straight and narrow and I am eternally grateful for that. Ultimately only we can decide where our lives will go. Many times I have reached a cross road and had to decide which way to go. If not for my child I might have made different choices. You have to find a reason for living, be it hope, your children, study etc. I have found I do not want to deny myself the pleasure and love of my child. The future has not been written, only we can do this if we agree to partake in life!

Hi sweety,

Just want to let you know that you are not alone. Suicide thoughts comes and goes, even sometime if they are really strong, they do go away or are less frequent at times. Keeping in mind that you don't want to die and that you have children can help you a bit with these thoughts. Suicide thoughts comes with severe depression. I hope you can find help with this. In the mean time, you have people who do understand right here.

Take good care sweety! Do not give up!
Hugs!
nightdream

Genesis,
Welcome to our site! I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling down. There are sites and places available that can help you and people do care. Please take care of yourself.

Jessica

The reminder that thoughts are NOT actions is timely for me. When I was first getting sober, we were constantly reminded that wanting to drink was NOT the same thing as relapsing. I've never applied this idea to my suicidal and death wish thoughts. As Homer Simpson would say, "Doh!"

That's right, thinking and doing are completely different things. Do I THINK about how I would rather not be here? Yes. Would I actually DO anything about it? No. But I certainly wouldn't mind if my time came soon. I'm beyond ready.

I am at a loss for words right now, but I am truly grateful.

((((((((((((((Genesis)))))))))))))))))))))) safe hugs if you want them
I understand exactly what you are saying, I have been there many times in the past. I honestly believe that the hospital saved my life a number of times. If you think you need to go to the hospital, then go and please stay safe.

Are you in therapy now? I think you said somewhere that you don't have insurance, but perhaps you can see someone at your college? Sometimes just saying the words out loud really helps. A good therapist would understand that simply saying "I'm have suicidal thoughts" does not mean that you are going to act on them. Just releasing the tension associating with having those thoughts, can be very cathartic. Maybe you could check with your school and see what's available?

Hugs, emmy

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Are you in therapy now? I think you said somewhere that you don't have insurance, but perhaps you can see someone at your college? Sometimes just saying the words out loud really helps. A good therapist would understand that simply saying "I'm have suicidal thoughts" does not mean that you are going to act on them. Just releasing the tension associating with having those thoughts, can be very cathartic. Maybe you could check with your school and see what's available?

Hugs, emmy

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I go to a technical college and I don't physically "go." I take classes online so I can stay home with my kids.

I thought about checking into medicaid or something like that, but I'm not sure if I'd qualify since I have an occasional income and since I'm not pg, I can only get it if I can prove I'm disabled physically or mentally and don't have a job because of it.

If you are in the US, our government's health care help just stinks!!!!!

I have been able to find counseling at some county-run services and non-profit agencies in several states, including Georgia, Florida, and Louisiana. There usually is a sliding scale copay, that I've found to run $10 to $20. I don't know if it gets lower than that. Check the Yellow Pages under "counseling" and make a few phone calls. I usually find the Yellow Pages more helpful than online resources for such local purposes, but perhaps internet listings are better for some people. For the county services, I think they are listed in the Blue Pages, under County, Department of Health.

If you live in a college town (I mean other than the technical school) that has a master's psychology program, there may be a counseling service run by the Psych Department to give the students experience. Whenever I've needed to find counseling for myself or someone I was assisting, I have always managed to find something affordable. It may not have been with a $200/hour psychiatrist, but I've found the people to be kind, sincere, and dedicated. And it can help to get the scrambled thoughts out and get the input of a neutral listener.

Good luck with this. I hope you'll keep us posted on what develops.

I can relate to what you're saying and it's a bit like Robbie Williams 'Feel'. You know the bit that goes, "I don't want to die, but I ain't keen on living either." It sucks being caught in the middle doesn't it. But you'll be alright. My favourite quote (and I think I'll put it up as my signature) is :
"Everything is ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end." This keeps me going everyday. Keep on at it and you'll get there.

I, too, am sorry to hear you're battling this right now...

what you said is so true: you don't really want to die, you want the pain to end. This is the main reason ppl do suicide: the pain. It can be emotional and/or physical pain. That will also guide you in what kind of help to seek: mental and/or physical.
The body/mind connection is totally enmeshed... so even if you think it's all in your head.. eeeeeehhhhh! wrong answer but thank you for playing...

no, seriously, you asked what do you do now? You begin to try and quit taking it out on yourself. SI is a way to strike back at the pain, either by creating more so you can "realize" there's a reason to be hurting, or by making it hurt so that you have to "dissociate" or numb out to escape, thus, you don't feel any pain for a while.

You are not at "fault." Even if you had done something that injured you and you were in pain from it, it still wouldn"t be your "fault." There would be other factors that enter in, creating the scenario.

This society has for eons made it a requirement that someone or something has to be at fault for something else. Our families also instilled this notion, and most still hold to it. But I say, NOT SO! Some things just happen. Some times our bodies respond certain ways... our minds...

I say this to try and help you quit taking the "ways" of life out on yourself! You are not to blame. You are trying to cope. Try and find another way to cope with your pain: creating more pain, and adding embarassment and secrecy to your life doesn't help either, does it?

In the SI forum you will also find support, and maybe a few tricks to use to help keep from doing damage to yourself.

Try and focus that you need to be in less pain... and try and find ways (and friends, and a T?) that will help you do so...

Sucide always feels like an option because if all else fails, then you know you can escape this way. Of course you don't want to... and need to be able to bring pain, yes emotional pain, down to a level you can cope without thinking this way...

One thing my T uses with me is the phrase NOT NOW. Okay? Maybe you can continue to not SI or think suicidal thoughts by replacing those thoughts with NOT NOW. Maybe later... but NOT NOW... Not Now. It does help... to get through the terrible time of it all....

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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Very well said, Sky.

Genesis, I just wanted to come in here and give you a huge hug (if you want one) ((((((((((((Genesis))))))))))))! I actually don't visit the depression forum very often, but today I popped in and I found your post.

I want to invite you to join us over in the self-injury forum, too. I don't recall seeing you post there. If you have and I missed it, I apologize. There are a LOT of people over there who know just what you mean about killing the pain by hurting yourself. I happen to be one of them. I am working really hard on quitting cutting, but I'm not there just yet. That's how it is for a lot of us on the forum. We're all trying to figure out how to quit. Sometimes visiting the si forum was triggering to me in the beginning, just because it made me think about si more often. But after the initial intro to the forum wears off, I think overall it's a good experience. It's really nice to be able to say "gosh I want to do this" or "guess what? I didn't do it even though I wanted to!!" or even "I cut and I feel bad about it now" because there are LOTS of people in that forum that genuinely understand, unlike in the rest of the world. And sometimes people have some REALLY great ideas on how to feel better without having to cut.

Best of luck to you. Keep hanging in there. You have reasons to live.

Angela