[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

To whomever is kind enough to read this:

First, I want to prevent any possible confusion regarding my subject; it's not intended as an insult to anybody else's choice of subject title, but rather an expression of the futility I feel at this moment regarding even attempting to describe my state of mind, save 'depressed.'

With that out of the way, I'm writing this as a plea for some kind of help and connection. I've recently been overcome by fatigue and relentless sadness. I have the feeling that my environment is largely to blame.

I'm a college student, soon to be a fourth year, and due to financial constraints, I'm stuck staying at home again for the summer. This atmosphere is depleting me of all my will to go on. My mother passed away almost three years ago now, and this residence always increases the saliency of my grief and struggle with bereavement. She and I had a very conflicted relationship, which made her sudden passing so much more unbearable. To make matters worse, she went to the hospital in the middle of the night, and my father was unable to wake me up since I had taken an Ambien to fall asleep that night. So I woke up to my father telling me my mom had died while I slept in comatose oblivion.

On top of that, my dad mentions my mother's death far too much for me to be comfortable. It is impossible to get along with him. I believe he's becoming senile. I have to take care of many daily things he should be able to manage. He and I argue a lot, and he just gets confused when he sees me crying. It's impossible to get any emotional support from him.

My friends from home are of little support either. Most of them are too far gone into the drug culture to care about anything beyond getting high. And the others have numbed themselves through daily routine and seem more like empty shells than living, breathing, feeling people.

My friends from college won't retain my calls, e-mails, or what have you. They are at this time my sole emotional supprt, and they seem to be fading off the radar.

I am overcome with lethargy and apathy, which is quite unusual for me. I have a lot I need to accomplish this summer, and I'm starting to worry about being able to do it. Research, studying for GREs, searching for grad schools, etc. I'm usually obsessive compulsive regarding my work, but now I just don't care.

All of this may sound petty and slight in comparison to some of the other impassioned posts on this website, but I feel like I'm losing myself. I can't connect to anyone anymore, I have no motivation, nothing is fun to me anymore, I hurt but can't cry, and I'm struggling with thoughts of self-injury, which I thought I had put behind me. I'm rather familiar with feelings of depression, but recently, while I was at college, I was doing so well... It seems I've done a 180. Despite the lack of passion in this message, my heart is just crying out to connect with someone, to FEEL something. I feel so insignificant and unimportant. I don't even know why I'm trying to post anything on this site. I'm sure you're all decent and caring people, but what do you know about me? What do I know about you? How can we REALLY connect to one another with pixellated letters on a screen? I just don't know where to turn, I guess... My therapist is back on campus, my meds aren't working, and my friends are either impossible to connect to or impossible to reach.

Well, to those of you who have, thank you for reading this message this far. Much of this probably didn't make any sense, I'm just rambling... I'm sorry if you feel I've wasted your time. I'm so alone, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

First of all welcome to PC. (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) even if only cyber hugs, i know they make some people, me included, feel better. You are obviously very depressed and lonely and i hear you. There is always hope, no matter what anyone goes through, there is hope. You have come to a site full of people with terrible emotional and physical pain and it is so very supportive here. It saved my life, and there are so many caring and compassionate souls here. You are worth listening to, everyone is ....

I am nota doctor or a therapist, just someone who has been where you are .... i would advise you to speak to your therapist as sonn as possible and discuss your meds for a bigger dose, a different kind of med. It is so comforting to know you have someone to spill all of these feelings out to. I admire your strength for not falling in with 'friends'who take drugs and try to escape in that way. You are obviously still grieving for your mom, i dont know your circumstances but would it be easier or even possible to move into campus accommodation? You are not responsible solely for your dads care ... especially if you are going through education. I am from the UK so i'm sorry if i sound a bit ignorant on the accommodation stuff .... it works differently here i think.

Please know that you can keep reaching out here, there are so many people who will be pleased to listen and give better advice than me ....Iam so sorry you are feeling so down, please go and see your counsellor asap, you can't carry this burden alone ....

do you have siblings or a special close friend you can trust?

Know my thoughts are with you and you will get through this, reading between the lines you are a strong person and you seem to know the reasons you are feeling like this .... don't ever think you are not worth listening to .... you are a person and deserve to be heard .... you will be in my thoughts and prayers and please please keep reaching out and talking here ... sometimes it helps to write or journal each day too ...

Take care of YOU ..... love Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxo

[nightbird]

Also, Dear Person, you can speak, in private, to your fathers' physician, and tell him/her of your concerns re: your fathers behavior and health.

He may well be due for tests. And his insurance (sorry, I don't know his age) should provide a weekly caretaker in the home if he needs one to make sure he is getting his needs met, if necessary.

If it is not that serious, can you speak to your father about a seasonal rental next school break, so that you can stay next to campus to continue your studies and work. you could get a studio near school instead of going home, or just work part-time at school and save the money for a studio for those few months next break - plan it early though - maybe student advisory aides can help you there ... or ck out the off campus residences that look for people to sublet for others while they take off for home during breaks, you know what I mean?

Anyway, I understand your feeling of depression, and I want to say that you are worth reading, and reaching out to, across the miles, whatever, as we have our humanity at stake here. Our feelings matter. Especially around here.

I agree with Jinnyann (((hugs to jinnyann))) that your call to the DR. about your medication not working is important and should be done right away. Increasing the dose can help. Also, grieving your mother is a process. Perhaps you can speak to someone in her family about your feelings of grief, missing her and the opportunity to see her that night. They would want to help you, I'm hoping.

Please take care and keep posting, we are listening.

peace and comfort,
nightbird

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

Thanks for your words of support, Jinnyann. Even though I don't know who you are, I really appreciate that you took the time to read my post and to respond. I'm strongly humanist, and it brings joy to my heart to see that there are still people who value our common humanity enough to reach out to a complete stranger.

I'm just in a rather unfortunate combination of circumstances right now. It's practically inconceivable for me to get any accomodations on campus for the summer. Things in the US are much different regarding financing university students, so I would have to fund it all myself. And let's just say that rent where I go to university is not cheap.

My therapist is back on campus, so I can't see her, and I'm already on an absurdly high dose of Prozac (80 mg./day), so increasing that is not an option. I don't have good insurance, so I can't really afford any of the newer drugs like Zoloft or Welbutrin XL (in fact, I've already been on them and they didn't really work, either).

My best friend is Palestinian, and she moved back in with her very strict Muslim family today, so I won't be able to see her for at least two months. And I have no siblings... hence the loneliness and difficulties dealing with my dad.

But I'm really grateful for your support. I read your post, and I hope things will start looking brighter your friend soon. Hopefully we can stay in touch

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

And thank you, too, nightbird. It means a lot to me at this dark time.

Your advice is very pragmatic, but unfortunately unfeasible for me. My dad has no insurance, so a caretaker is out of the question; he doesn't have a primary physician; and my extended family are not the most emotionally open people. In fact, only my grandfather visited me while I was in the psych ward after attempting suicide a few years ago, and he only visited for ten minutes. I love my family, but they just aren't the people I can turn to for that kind of support...

Hopefully, when (if?) I get into grad school for fall '09, I'll find decent yearly living arrangements. For what I want to do, I'm going to have to leave this state (Ohio), so that'll probably be the most convenient setup, anyway.

Anyway, thank you for your help and support. I'm very grateful to have this much needed outlet and connection at this time of my life.