[lenjan]

I posted some about this last night on the SI board, but as it continues I'm wondering if it isn't a combination of things.

I had a really lengthy and bad episode of dissociation last night. I tried to E my therapist about it, and I was aware that I was typing, but I had absolutely no feelings, in my body or my head -- it was almost robotic, like I knew what I was doing but my brain and soul had checked out and moved without leaving a forwarding address. I wasn't sure they were ever coming back.

Today I feel marginally better, or at least more aware, but now I'm having food issues. Last night I was supposed to go to a wine-tasting party. I really wanted the social night out, but decided against going because I didn't think I could engage in small talk, etc, when I felt like a zombie. Besides, on the Klonopin I can't really drink. So instead of drinking, or cutting, which I simply didn't have the energy to do, I went to the grocery store and got a bunch of junk food.

3 bowls of ice cream, half a large bag of chips, and a frozen pizza later, I felt something, finally -- a little queasy -- but it still didn't help.

I live really close to where I work, so I always go home for lunch. Today, not being very hungry, I made a peanut butter sandwich. I had to sit there and think about every bite and all I could think was "this is gross, I don't want this," but made myself finish it because I knew I would get hungry before the workday was over if I didn't eat something then. I don't know if it's because of my overindulgence last night, or because of the feelings of unreality, or because I'm depressed, or because I have the beginnings of an ED, but the thought of food I just find repulsive now.

My pdoc had me start Klonopin for rampaging anxiety, and also gave me an extra 25 mg of desipramine (I take 200 mg at bedtime) to take during the day, on the premise that if the 200 mg knocks me out and allows me to sleep through the night, a fraction of that might have a calming effect as well. I've been taking my morning Klonopin and the 25 mg of desipramine together, and I don't know if that's affecting anything either.

I've certainly whined enough on the forums about my problems at work, so no need to describe how *that's* causing me stress.

I just don't know what to think, or do. Is it meds? Is it stress? Do I call my pdoc immediately or wait till I see him on the 22nd? I'm already on the 2-week plan with him -- I like him a lot, but that's all the more I care to see him (not to mention that it runs up my insurance benefits). How the heck do I get out of this extreme weirdness?

:0~ (my best representation of drowning)

Candy

[wisewoman]

Candy, follow your heart about contacting the pdoc, and also just know that feelings are just that, they can't kill us no matter how frightened we are of them. Peace my dear friend. I give you the prayer for a sunshine morning and a restful day.