[BETosca]

I have struggled with anxiety on and off for much of my adult life. The pattern is that there will be some external stressor that will trigger it, and then the anxiety regarding that stressor will make me run with it, for weeks.

For example, when my kids were quite young (2 and 6 months), I came down with a sudden case of acute gastritis. Major stomach pain. It had probably been caused by me taking too much ibuprofen (and often on an empty stomach!) for my bad shoulder from lifting the kids in and out of car seats all day. Anyhow, the pain was so bad I'd convinced myself that I really had stomach cancer, and that I'd be dying, leaving my dh with these two very young kids. Self diagnosing on the net is a bad thing, I know. My doc at the time tried to reassure me that I so did not fit that profile, and he gave me a script for Losec, which did take care of things pretty quickly.

Still, the next couple of weeks were hell. I could think of nothing but cancer. Eventually, in 2-3 weeks time, when my body felt better, my mind snapped out of it too.

That's just one example. I'd say up until recently I had a few of these a year. They are not always related to health. It could be an argument with dh, or my mother, for example.

The last few months, the better part of this year actually, have been pretty brutal. I began a new job in February, part time, for the first time since my kids were born (they are now 8 and 6.5). The job is done now (it was a contract position), and it went well, but the stress of balancing work and home was tough. My older child went through an assessment process and was diagnosed with ADHD and giftedness. She has always been an intense child- behavior is not generally a problem with her, but she and I still often clash because of her drama queen-ness, her impatience, her whining (which, esp. if I am in a bad phase I have zero tolerance for!). I worry about her future, even though she's doing great right now over all, which is truly nuts. She does great in school, she has friends, and she's generally happy. Yet, when I see parents of older kids who are happy and well-adjusted and doing well in school and life, I envy them because I feel that they can relax, like, "whew, their kids made it." And I hope and pray that mine will too.

I've had depression in the past too and have been on a few SSRIs- zoloft (twice), lexapro, effexor. I did best on the zoloft the very first time, for a couple of years after my dad (who i'd been very close to) died. I'll never forget the day a cloud literally lifted off of me. A few years later I went on effexor- it did help somewhat but I found my temper quick to fly, which is not a good thing when you have young kids who test you all the time anyway. Plus, the side effects were tough when I would occasionally forget and take them late. Then, in my last round of anxiety/depression, my dr. tried me on zoloft again, but this time I had bad gastro, nausea effects and he switched me to lexapro. No side effects really, but I felt flat and unmotivated. Not especially down, but not especially happy either.

I'd always thought I was more anxious than depressed. I have a generally hopeful outlook on life, and I'm not suicidal or anything. My dr. has always treated me with SSRIs- his take is that anxiety is a form of depression, after all. Dunno. But because I didn't really feel that the Lexapro had done it for me, we decided to treat my anxiety as episodic. He gave me ativan to take as needed, and zopiclone to help me sleep during those times as well. Then when life went back to normal and good I didn't take anything. This strategy fit the bill for a long time, a couple of years at least.

Now here I am and I've been feeling like dirt for most of the last 8 months. It's not really episodic anymore. It's more like I've been either anxious or down or both most of the time, with a few sunny days here and there to tease me.

Maybe I am depressed after all?

After all, I feel most of the time: unmotivated, tired, distracted, sad, worried, quick to get irritable. And when I'm particularly anxious about something, I have ruminating, catastrophic thoughts that are very hard to shake. Like about dd and her future- which is nuts because she is doing SO well right now. Why am I worrying about future problems she might have?

Anyhow, I am going back to my psychologist on Monday- I took a break over the summer because I had the kids at home, few babysitters, and little time. And on Wednesday I have a follow-up with my family dr. about all this anxiety business. I'm thinking that maybe this time I will ask him to refer me to a psychiatrist?

Thank you if you've read this far...please tell me someone that this is temporary, that somehow this will all get better...my incredible dh (who's had his own struggles with depression) tells me this...but I feel like I burden him far too much sometimes...

[Sannah]

Hi Bet, how about the idea that your anxiety is causing your depression because it is so overwhelming? I have recovered from anxiety and it can be beat with therapy. I think that people are anxious because they didn't have the luxury of growing up secure. When we are born we know nothing. We have our personality traits but we learn how to act in our environment. We can learn new behaviors and reprogram to be relaxed instead of anxious, but to do so we need to understand ourselves very well first and then problem solve from there. Some questions which might help you to understand yourself: Who are you? What do you need? What has made you who you are today? What affects you? How are you responding to your environment?

About your daughter, with my anxiety, one thing that I learned is how our children react to us. Whenever my children react in any way I stop and say "What did I just do to trigger this behavior?" Some examples of what I have uncovered with myself is that when my daughter gets an attitude I actually started with the attitude first. I learned from this that I must respect my children as little people at all times and never treat them worse than I would the neighbor. What also worked for me was to spend some quality quiet time with my children. They really love this positive attention and it is amazing how far it will go for them in improving the relationship. Finally, I learned that my children were affected by my anxiety. Our children read and respond to us better than anyone in the world. They learn good behaviors by watching us model them. Isn't anxiety just a different form of drama queen and impatience? Children whine when they are in distress. Watching an anxious parent is distressing. What I found is that some communication went a long way with them. I frequently told them that I was sorry for how I behaved and then I talked with them on how it affected them. Children can endure anything if there is open communication about the problem so that they can understand.

[BETosca]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Bet, how about the idea that your anxiety is causing your depression because it is so overwhelming? I have recovered from anxiety and it can be beat with therapy. I think that people are anxious because they didn't have the luxury of growing up secure. When we are born we know nothing. We have our personality traits but we learn how to act in our environment. We can learn new behaviors and reprogram to be relaxed instead of anxious, but to do so we need to understand ourselves very well first and then problem solve from there. Some questions which might help you to understand yourself: Who are you? What do you need? What has made you who you are today? What affects you? How are you responding to your environment?

About your daughter, with my anxiety, one thing that I learned is how our children react to us. Whenever my children react in any way I stop and say "What did I just do to trigger this behavior?" Some examples of what I have uncovered with myself is that when my daughter gets an attitude I actually started with the attitude first. I learned from this that I must respect my children as little people at all times and never treat them worse than I would the neighbor. What also worked for me was to spend some quality quiet time with my children. They really love this positive attention and it is amazing how far it will go for them in improving the relationship. Finally, I learned that my children were affected by my anxiety. Our children read and respond to us better than anyone in the world. They learn good behaviors by watching us model them. Isn't anxiety just a different form of drama queen and impatience? Children whine when they are in distress. Watching an anxious parent is distressing. What I found is that some communication went a long way with them. I frequently told them that I was sorry for how I behaved and then I talked with them on how it affected them. Children can endure anything if there is open communication about the problem so that they can understand.

Oh, Sannah, I think you are really on to something with my dd.

We have always been so in tune with each other that way- if I have a good day, she has a good day, and vice versa. I know I take out my feelings, my anxiety on the kids, particularly dd. I try not to, sometimes I can even see it happening, and I aim to *not* do that but at the same time be honest with them. When I have had a particularly bad moment, I talk to her and say "mummy is very sorry, she's having a hard time, and that it has nothing to do with you, and that mummy ALWAYS loves you."

I so don't want to feel this way, so anxious, so depressed...especially with my kids

[Sannah]

Bet, I am glad that this was received well! I was a little worried! I just figured out another thing just last week how I respond to my daughter with homework and how this starts a big snow ball down the hill! A big lightbulb went off in my head "I think that I started this problem with my response here". We talked about it and she felt so much better. Afterwards she was singing a song "I am a good girl, my mommy told me so. I am good at math and reading". I thought OMG, the effects that we have on our children!