[bawor]

My wife struggles with depression and was diagnosed with it shortly after our marriage. She went to therapy for over a year and even was on medication at one point. Since she was doing well we discussed with her doctor coming off medication so that we could have a baby. Now months after our child was born she is in a downward spiral. She has terrible anxiety about doing anything herself and will rarely leave the house without me. She struggles on a daily basis to take care of the baby because all she feels like doing is sleeping. We recently moved at her urging to be closer to family. I found a wonderful job and we bought a house. I have yet to see the slightest bit of happiness from her regarding any of this. In fact her depression has gotten worse. She all of a sudden can't stand the family we moved to be closer to - she thinks they hate her. She can't stand the town we moved to. She hates it to the point where all she can talk about is selling the house we just bought and leaving. Being a member of management at work I am required to travel out of state to receive training from time to time. The trips are limited to 2 or 3 per year and last no more than 1 week. Trips that are "no big deal" when I first bring them up are major issues when it comes time for me to actually go. Usually I am met with demands that I cancel the trip. Family always offers to stay with her and to assist however those offers are met with an "I'm a big girl I can handle it" type of response. Needless to say our marriage is a wreck. We fight on a daily basis. What starts out as a minor irritation quickly escalates into her shouting accusations at the top of her lungs. Though I try to remain calm I admit that sometimes I just can't take it and I only further matters by arguing back. She has agreed to go to therapy again but the big debate now is whether she should take medication. She wants another baby. I would love our children to be close in age but I'm having trouble convincing her that her health should come first. She doesn't care and argues that she'll get therapy while pregnant and go on meds after the baby is born. It's a neverending struggle. I know with therapy it will get better. That is the light at the end of the tunnel for me. It's just very hard because my wife right now is not the person I married. Not even close. I'm really just needing to vent more than anything. I'm at the end of my rope. My only relief is going to work. I dread going home every single day because I know it's only stress and fighting and biting negativity that await me. I'm extremely unhappy with my life right now. This is not the way I imagined things at all. I'm normally so happy and upbeat. I'm thinking I need therapy of my own just to keep from becoming depressed myself. Thanks for listening.

[Sannah]

I am sorry Bawor, you sound like a very supportive husband. I think therapy for yourself would be good so that you can have some support in handling this very difficult situation. Continuing to post here might help too.

[purplebutterfly]

(((((bawor & family))))))))) Welcome to PC!

Your wife may still be going thru post-partum depression, she needs to get into a doctor soon so she can on some meds for this, there are many meds out there that can be taken while breastfeeding in case that may be a reason not to go get some meds~ i have been there with post partum thru both of my pregnancies and i can understand how depressed a person can get. Please try to get your wife to see someone soon. There are meds out there that can help her through this, so she can enjoy life with her husband and baby.
My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

[bawor]

Thanks so much. I don't mean to make her sound like a mean horrible person. I understand that it's her depression causing the problems and not her personally. I try very hard to help out with the baby and generally take care of her in the evenings and try to do things around the house. I know it sounds horrible but it's almost like being a single parent with 2 children sometimes. And one of them has special needs. I get accused a lot of being lazy and irresponsible because of things I'm not able to do. That gets me down because I'm trying. I have to work to provide for the family but I'm "always leaving" so I'm a bad person. It really is difficult balancing my professional and home life right now. Thankfully I have a very understanding boss and I'm able to work from home on days when she is particularly down.

The main concern with medication is during pregnancy. I know there are things that you can take while pregnant but we kind of don't want to risk it. Purple you might be right though. Maybe this is a delayed post-partum depression. Many of the same issues that prompted therapy in the first place are still present though. This is all very familiar territory. I want more kids but I also want her to be able to enjoy them. And if therapy isn't enough I don't know that we can endure many more months of this until she has another baby and gets on medication.

[purplebutterfly]

Bawor~

Post partum depression can last up to a year after the child is born, I have dealt with depression before I became pregnant and throught out my pregnancies and also post partum.. this all sounds familiar to me. Please take some time to talk with your wife and see if she is open to seeing someone, let her know that you are there for her and are willing to help her and that maybe some meds might help her to enjoy the baby and enjoy life. Just my thoughts....
Purple

[agony007]

bawor,

i can imagine how difficult things are for you and your wife right now. i suffer from depression and my husband has been in your position. i honestly don't think it's a good idea for you guys to plan on having another baby at this time. i agree with you that it is most important for her to get the help that she needs at this time. i think that given her depression having another baby will only add to it and she will have a more difficult time coping with the depression. she should a therapist and if they recommend meds, then she may want to consider that option, it's all up to her. i wish you the best. in addition, if you feel you may benefit from therapy, i say "why not?" whatever helps you get through this hurdle that life has thrown your way.

agony

[Einna]

Therapy for both of you would be good. I ended up going to counseling (am still going) to learn how to live with my husband who has some issues he's not ready to deal with - it's given me an outlet and ways to handle things when things get tough.
I think Purplebutterfly may have hit on something too - the postpartum depression - I've had it too and it affects every aspect of life, not just the baby part. Maybe if you approach your wife with "one thing at a time". If she/you do want another child, she needs to get stronger (I read somewhere that it takes a woman's body up to a year to "recuperate" from having a baby). In that year's time, the two of you can go to therapy, she can resume her medication (the kind Purplebutterfly was referring to) and then maybe think about another child after she's had some time to settle in to the new surroundings.
It is hard, people here know - you've come to the right place.
Einna

[kebsfroggy]

bawor, my heart goes out to both you and your wife. Depression is a very destructive disease destroying the lives of the person with the disease and those around them.

getting into counseling as soon as possible it important for both of you. It may be a case where you both will go to some sessions and she will go to additional sessions.

meds, additional children those are things to consider after you get the present under control.

The two of you have a long way to go but given enough time I'm sure you will both find the happiness you deserve.

Do keep us posted on how things are going.

I may be different in that I have had lifelong problems with a mood disorder (bipolar) but most of the time depressed but I DID blame my husband for my depression, found fault in all he was doing, etc. when he was actually trying his best to help me & be supportive while actually surviving in the real world (like having a job & a boss!!) as it sounds like you are being incredibly insightful about her condition & supportive.

BUT please do get into therapy yourself & DON'T have any more children at this stage. We have 2 children & both have had to endure my bouts of depression during their childhoods where they were more like the parent than I was. I know I'm not to blame for having a mental illness, etc., but when you have the choice do not put children through this.

Get your wife stable first so she can enjoy being the loving wife & mother she was meant to be. I don't want to scare you, but my mother did end up in a psychosis while in a depression (bipolar) & threateneded to kill us children & herself. She succeeded in killing herself. You do not want to let the depression go on & on. The thoughts can escalate into irrationality. Very RARE case--in my mother's case, I assure you, but you want her to be a happy & joyful mom & you don't want to have to worry about what kind of mood you'll find her in when you get home in each night so that you dread coming home. Please seek professional opinion in regards to this matter. Let us know hiow she & you are doing. I certainly can relate & care having been "your wife."--Suzy

[nightbird]

I wish you heed the advice given by Purple and others here also.

Counseling can help the two of you, and guide you with your wife during this depression.

You will also learn alot of constructive things you can apply to your life in many ways.

Hopefully, both of you will go. In case she is not open at the beginning, it is good that you go ... plus it will show her the way.

I admire you're reaching out here tremendously, and have a very good feeling that you will take good care for your own life and the childs, and your wife (and the difficulties she is having adjusting to to many things) in positive ways.

Look forward to hearing more from you and do hope for the best!

Peace and Comfort,
Nightbird
:Heart:

I totally agree with Purplebutterfly and Nightbird .... I suffered with post natal depression twice ..very badly... your wife sounds like she is most definitely suffering with this .... my advice would also be to reconsider having another child right now .....

I wish you both well and sincerely hope your wife feels better soon. It is such an awful illness, but therapy and meds will help .... hugs and care, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxo