Things are finally starting to catch up with me...

I'm not really sure were to start and how to find the words to express how I feel. I do feel very embarrassed to be staying on late at work so that I can cry freely in private (I live in a shared house).

The events that have lead me to this point in my life are many and varied. The usual story of extended periods of childhood (and adult bullying) the inability to form a long lasting relationship with someone and the resulting low self esteem.

All my life since early childhood I have been followed by what can only be described as a huge feeling of despair and loneliness. I also experience regular nightmares...

I sound as though I am feeling terribly sorry for myself but this is the worst I've felt as at the age of 42 things are now beginning to way quite heavily.

I have tried counseling in the past and it never really got to the bottom of things.

My thanks to anybody who reads this...

Hi Davew and welcome to PC! I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. If anyone understands what you are feeling it is all of us here. I think we've all dealt with feelings of loneliness and despair. Well, maybe I should just speak for myself. I have been feeling the same lately. It just never seems to go away. I do feel better when I talk to my T, but I don't yet feel like I have any answers. Are you currently on any meds? Would you consider seeing a T? I think you should reach out to anyone you can. And if there is no one IRL that you feel you can trust just keep coming here. I don't post that much, but I do get so much out of reading the stories of others here. There are a lot of kind hearted and wise people who really do care about you here!

Thank you so much for your reply. This is the first time I have ever posted on a forum like this. I have tried therapy in the past but never really got to the bottom of things. I am very unsure about taking meds and its a path I have tried to avoid. I tend to bury my emotions and as we all know eventually they all come to the surface.

Thank you gain

(((((Davew)))) I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. You shouldn't feel bad about staying after to cry alone. It's ok. It has to come out and if there are people at your home you aren't comfortable crying in front of, then do it whereever you can. Please continue to come to PC, you'll get so much out it. I hope you can have a good evening.

Thank you for responding and thanks very much for the hug. I will keep checking in.

This would be a good place to start to get better. Maybe your therapist just wasn't good for you? I would suggest trying again.

There is also a lot to work through in this paragraph. Bullying affected you and you can work through this. To begin with there is a clear link to bullying and resultant low self-esteem. If you are mistreated you then believe that you must really be worthless because if you were worth something others would treat you like you were. Well, actually, these are the thoughts that develop from bullying but it really isn't what is going on. The bullies were teasing because it was fun and you were a good target because you were vulnerable and they could tell. I think that kids who are targets of bullying were already vulnerable because of their homelife. The bullies were only thinking of their own fun, not your self-worth. Your self-worth never crossed their minds. You are valuable! Don't let your self-worth be determined by others. Take it into your own hands.

Low self-esteem gets in the way of being close to others. Been there done that....

There is a way out Dave....

Hi Davew,

I'm glad you came to PC.

Bullying, huh?

Well, sometimes jealousy causes it, a hair color, braces, eyeglasses, clothing, something different, being new to a school, many things can be the 'why' but mostly, it is because the bullies are being neglected somehow, not the bullied, in most experiences I know of.

The bullies are the ones with the low self esteem, and require to mess with others to build themselves up, or prove to the crowd that they are somebody .. when clearly, that defines no one.

Anyway, wanted to clear up something there.

Sometimes we aren't ready to get therapy - or I should say - let go of our issues, and get honest with a therapist. It takes alot of courage to pass through embarrassment and insecurities to get to the bottom of things - and discover what our issues are and then overcome them.

It also can be that a therapist is not as qualified as one may need.

Whatever the cause, lacking the tools to help ourselves fix a few things can build up over time - into bigger problems, but really they are still the same issues, just affecting us more as we go through life, repeating alot of mistakes.

I hope you will try therapy again, whether it is through self-help, (books and cd's and support groups) or even adding a therapist now that you can address the root causes of your issues, or a little of everything.

I do a potpourri myself.

I am glad you came here to check out PC as it's a good place to pick up information, quiz ourselves, compare our histories, stories and learn new information.. most of all.

Friends abound here too, so you can cry on many shoulders.
No need to feel you have to hide your feelings when you are here.

I used to go in chat room and cry a river when I first came here.
I used the 'crier' smiley face too. I did not fool around about my sadness. One day, the whole chatroom had the crier going, lol, and oddly enough, it was comforting.

Hope to see more of you.

peace and self discovery,
nightbird

Thank you very much for your reply. I know self esteem lies at the heart of it and to have low self esteem can end up sabotaging a person's life. It effects both a person's perception and thus their own reality.

Thank you again

The support that I feel already from the short time I have been on this forum is wonderful. The genuine warmth and understanding is quite touching. For me (and I would imagine for many others) my issues are compounded by cycles of repeating behaviour each time reinforcing beliefs.

It helps in my understanding writing this out and for the first time really telling people.