[In_The_Darkness]

Okay. I really don't know where to start cus i've kinda given up on people helping me.

Well anyway. All my freinds at school are really fed up with me because I am depressed all the time - apparently I am depressing and times were much happier before I arrive: I ruined secondary school for someone apparently.

Well anyway. Because of that I no longer show my emotions - I just pretend to be happy or I lash out and get really angry to hide my real emotion. It started to trick me into believing I was happy. I told my T and everything that I was happy and everything was getting better, but it really isn't. I've just gone back to how I used to be - hiding how I really feel and just it hurts so much not having freinds to talk to about my problems.

Also, myself and my teachers have noticed that my performance at school is dropping. I mean...one day I felt angry at EVERYONE and real upset and I just sat - I tried working but I just couldn't think long enough until my thoughts drifted away and didnt do any questions on a very important test in 45 minutes. I actually find myself literally not being able to work.

Thing is, before I let on my real emotions, I held it in and that used to make me rebel and I actually get really angry at people!!!! At worst times, I hate everybody and I tell it them to their faces.

No one understands! I don't even feel I can talk to Richard (Mental Health Nurse) anymore!

I have also started getting a little bit..I dont know if this is the right word for what im feeling but.. paranoid.When groups of people that I know are talking about random stuff, I hear my name mentioned and I think that they're talking about me, when they arent talking about anything to do with me at all. I know that I might be just being paranoid, but I still snap at them and it makes them angry at me. Also, if two or more people are looking at me and smiling and talking about something, I automatically get upset, put on my angry face and shout at them! Or Just keep nagging until they tell me what they said about me, when they didnt say anything.

No one has a clue who the real me is!

Oh and also, if I ever cry or anything cus im feeling bad. I get called things like:
emo
attention seeker
fag
It really is just getting to me now.

[DOWNINNATICK]

Sorry for what your going through, I have the same problems as you, I always think people are talking crap about me, when they are not and that they are judging me for every little thing I do. But depression will make you feel different emotions and you just can't control them. Keep seeing your counselors and let them know exactly what is going on, you may need your meds changed.

I find people who doesn't have depression can't understand how hard it is to get better, and they think with a snap of a finger you will be healed. We could only wish it was that easy. Keep posting here and try righting down your emotions and talking about them with your pdoc, they will help you to heal.

Good luck and don't worry what others think, they just don't understand.

hugs

[reddevil]

Think that would get to most people Mikky.

I think it can be tougher for guys in some respects.. you're not meant to show tears, or upset. You are none of those things though.. just human and hurting.

The main thing I would say is to do what you can to keep your performance at school up. That's what will help you most once you're out of there.

Those teenagers who you 'ruined school for' will grow up and get over it, don't worry about them.