[dexter]

Can't decide if this is a good idea or a bad idea...

As someone else pointed out, even when you know otherwise sometimes you just can't ignore checking the number of replies your post has received and comparing it to others. And our depressed minds translate that into "people here don't like me here..." even though that has nothing to do with it. I thought maybe a reminder of reasons that people don't always post replies might help us remember that it doesn't mean we are not loved...

<ul>[*]Sometimes people feel very deeply about a post, and it literally leaves them speechless. That happens to me sometimes. Some people feel comfortable just leaving behind a hug but others don't.[*]Sometimes people have periods where they can't concentrate or can't sit at the computer long enough to go through everything. I'm doing that now. They may hit a few posts at random or look for a subject line they can relate to.[*]People may feel fragile at some point and be afraid to open up a new post. There is comfort in contributing to a thread you are already involved in rather than looking at one unknown.[*]Long threads, if you look at them, are often long because they have turned into topics of conversation, sometimes completely off subject. Often the ongoing conversation is between people that have nothing to do with the person who started that thread. They may even be responses to something that you wrote in someone else's thread![*]People find different things triggering... something that seems easy to respond to may trigger something in other people, they may not want to read the message... it doesn't mean they don't love you...[*]On a busy day, topics may scroll so fast that not as many people get to see it. That's one of the reasons that DocJohn set up the "Kudos" forum, so that people needing advice or support would be less likely to have their messages "lost" in a sea of other.[*]Sometimes it is quality, not quantity, that counts. A particular comment that really hits home and makes you feel not so alone can have equal value to a post that has a ton of replies from people who are trying, but can't really understand.[*]Sometimes the first few replies can be so deep that others don't want to repeat it or have anything to add. Again, some people feel comfortable just leaving behind a hug but not everyone feels that way all the time. (It varies for me... sometime I am ok leaving just a hug, sometimes I feel weird about it)[*]Time of day... someone may have posted in the morning or evening when lots of people are on, and get a lot of responses... you're post may just not have had as many eyes on it yet because people are at work. We sometimes tend to keep checking though even if not enough time has passed. "Its been 10 minutes! How come no responses yet!" A post that gets 10 responses in 10 minutes in the prime evening hours may only get one response during the day.[*]Sometimes the first few responses are obviously from people who know you so well that you feel like "outside the clique" and are shy to post. I think we all work hard here to encourage people to feel comfortable but it often does take time for people to "feel the warmth". [*]Again in the case of newer people... they may want to post, but feel more comfortable (for the above reason) to start posting in a thread that is more "analytical"... asking a question or describing a situation that is easy for everyone to relate to... and that could start a string of further replies. The posts that may need acknowledgement the most... the ones that are most emotional... are the ones that people might feel that they are "intruding" if they post and so may be reluctant.[/list]
Other ideas?

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--http://www.idexter.com

[Shaymus]

Im like this quite a bit. If no one is replying i feel horrible and sometimes even anger deep down. Logically i know its because its 3am or no one around knows the answer to what im asking. But my head makes me think they just dont care and im a nothing. Not just here but on another forum i used to post at. In the end tho i usually can find the logical part and see whats right. Well usually anyway

[lenjan]

Guilty as charged :-) and grateful for the very valid reasons you gave - that rarely occur to my currently-very-depressed brain. Thanks.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

[gloria]

Hey Dex, you get an A+...
This post was so much needed.
Yes, I am guilty too, so thanks for making us feel better.

gab

[inkblot]

Good reminders!

[Wants2Fly]

Such a well-organized and concisely, clearly written list. Bravo!

Is there a place to archive that, as a kind of FAQs document?

[shakes]

Dex,
I am so glad that you are a mod here. You make this place feel safe and really welcoming for me. That was an eloquent way of summing something important up.

(((Dex))) Hope the hug is ok

Jessica

"Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time..." ~DMB

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Thanks for posting this Dexter. I've felt depressed from lack of responses to my posts as well before. I understand that no everyone can reply if they are going through a rough time.

Still doesn't make you feel very good though esepically if you are in need of advice.

I don't always reply to posts because i dont know how to respond to some of them. So I usually send hugs and let them know i've read them.

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[Maya]

Did you ever think about going into a second profession? You sound so much like a therapist it is amazing! Your advice is always right on and helpful and I am grateful for your presence on this forum. You help more than you can ever know.

The vision of your goodness will sustain me through the cold
Take my hand now to remember when you find yourself alone
You are never alone… (John Denver)
Mars

[silver_queen]

Yeah, I never give hugs. Well, very rarely anyway. I'm just not that kind of person. But just because I didn't reply doesn't mean I don't care about that person. Sometimes I don't know what to say, or think that if I wrote what I thought, it would sound stupid, pretentious, hypocritical, or false, and I don't post anything. Sometimes a post is complicated, or hard to understand, or the situation is beyond anything I have coped with before (which involves most people's posts here, for me)...I don't post to them, either, because I often feel that my replies are simplistic compared to the advice others give. But it doesn't mean I don't sympathise with a person, it just means I don't know how to respond to what they say...and that's not a bad thing...is it?

_____________________
RIP Dexter...
<font color=red>The best dog ever!!!</font color=red>

<font color=green>In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning.</font color=green>
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

[dexter]

That's a good point that I was trying to think of but couldn't quite put my finger on.

Sometimes the very same feelings that depression brings that make us insecure and wonder if a lack of replies means that people don't like us... sometimes those exact same feelings of insecurity and doubt keep us from replying to someone else's post for fear that our post might be considered "wrong" or "insignificant".

In some ways it is like trying to organize an agoraphobia convention in an olympic stadium (not meant to make light of agoraphobia or in any way minimize the severity of panic attacks... just pointing out the irony of the situation).

<ul>[*]Sometimes people don't reply because they are insecure about replying, and that is a reflection of their depression, and should not be taken personally.[/list]
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--http://www.idexter.com

[LMo]

I thought this was worth bumping to the top of the list

[SpazKatt]

Also at the other forum there was this rule that if you read a post that had less than 5 replys that you should reply to it. Just something to keep in mind. I always try to say something to everyone!