[abusymom]

I believe I have had a nervous breakdown in the past, not sure what a doc might have called it as i never went, but from what i felt like, it was a breakdown. i had for no real concrete reason i could ever pin down just small maybe minor maybe not issues in life that just spiralled out of my control, and i would sit my my closet and cry day and night and everything just seemed like it had ended and i dont want to relive that again, anyway, i long and short of it is that was years ago and now i am fine, just had my first (and last) baby. he is an angelic gem mashaallah, and i am happy. my husband has always been the best man on earth, i have been blessed to have married him. but now again on and off i feel down and am afraid that one day again i am going to spiral towards oblivion. i am afraid for my son's future in an awful world, with bad things happening all around, death, misery, poverty, rudeness, commercialism, taunts, people not loving or trusting each other, so much jealousy and hurt and giving each other hurt etc etc... i have made my life my home's four walls and live sheltered inside. i rarely watch tv, and just watch some indian movies sometimes, quite often in fact, they are fun. friolicking around trees, a hero, a heroine, and some villans, and happy ending. i like that. and sometimes i get some english movies too, mostly non-graphic, less violence, mystery adventure or PG ones, that are fun again. i grew up on disney and then the dream broke, when you find out people aren't like those in lassie's world. anyway, recently i brought a pakistani drama serial to watch, i had stopped watching those for a few years because they had so many beautiful people in them and such beautiful places and i always felt cheated out of life, that why is their life so pretty and happy and mine so hard-working and miserable. anyway, i doubt you can understand this, i am just typing as it is a relief for me to type and write out my feelings sometimes and just know that maybe someone is reading them and may feel a bit for me that yes, i know what you are feeling. anyway, i am pretty versatile in english but sometimes i just write in gibberish just coz so pls dont mind me, you can delete this post later if you like.
anyway, dr, my things is this. now i feel so ugly. i have always been ugly - dark, skinny, 80lbs, very hairy all over, my teeth are horrible, i had braces as a child and now again as an adult but i have not been to ortho for a year now as we moved and i have not been able to find a reliable ortho in my new area and now i am nearly 30/31 or 32 maybe and i feel like what the hell, i am so old, who will want to look at an old ugly chit. my husband btw is very fair and looks like adonis, and his family too, who i dont speak to anymore. he is a good person tho. i dont know what he saw in me to love me. we married early, i feel like i trapped him. anyway, forget ALLLLL that. what i want to know is - how do i feel beautiful again? i am not very rich, and all the new beauty methods need money. i'm tired of waxing etc nearly every week. i hate my teeth, my eyes are huge, my skin is ugly, and my face is lopsided. not even a volunteering plastic surgeon could make me anywhere near beautiful. what should i do. i feel ashamed i am, the ugly mother of such a pretty child mashaallah (he takes after his father thank god). people when they see me feel pity for me. i feel old and tired, and i am exceptionally lazy when it comesto even feeding myself. i dont know what to do. ok maybe now ill go eat, but that still wont make me pretty. pretty people have atleast one less worry in life, that they dont look presentable. they atleast can look at themselves and smile. i cant even do that, so i dont even look in th emirror. help?

[kimmydawn]

abusymom, hi and welcome! i'm glad you found our community. it's a community full of warm and caring people.

i'm so sorry that you're feeling so badly about life and yourself right now. It seems to me, that you're having post partum depression. Your family dr can help with some medicines for you to get through this really tough time of life. However, it sounds like this might be an ongoing problem for you that's worsened with the major hormonal changes after the birth of your son. Congratulations, by the way! I would think that maybe you could benefit from some therapy for depression as well?

A therapist can talk to you about your unhappiness with yourself and help you find the route of where it's coming from. Then hopefully it could be dealt with.

I truly hope you will make an appt. with your dr. (your ob dr would be great for that too), and discuss the possibility of treating post partum depression. Also, bring up the fact that you might benefit from a therapist?

I wish you much luck with your new little man and hope you keep in contact with us to let us know what you decide and how you all are doing.

kd

[odyssey]

abusymom,

I have felt all of the things that you wrote, only I am not thin. I am sorry to hear that you feel so bad right now, and completely agree that maybe talking to a doc right now about the depression and maybe the doc can give you some anti-depressant meds to help stabilize you. Hormones after childbirth can really play some painful mind games on you, especially if you are already feeling down.

Good luck and please keep writing, it helps us all..

k

[abusymom]

thank you all for your kind and warm responses, and for the welcomes & congrats. i really feel very welcome here, and have taken all your advice and signed up to see a therapist for the depression. today i am a bit busy so have to log off soon, but i wish you all the very best and thanks once again for the good wishes... and the kitty cat :-). love, abusymom.

[jmo531]

Everyone is beautiful. Including you. Instead of focusing on what you beleive to be your bad traits, realize that with out you, you could not have created such a beautiful child. You have self worth. Always remember that you are loved even when you don't always feel it. My thoughts are with you.

[kimmydawn]

way to go on taking your first step to feeling better! good job of taking care of you!

kd