[ScaredSad]

I get in this hole before every graduation. It's a dark and miserable place where it hurts to breathe. The sheets touching my skin hurt. The weight of the air pressing against my face hurts. The power of the emotions inside of me feel like they are stretching muscles, organs, eyeballs and pushing everything aside to try and escape my body. To say I hate this would be an understatement.

I am alone; by choice. I isolate myself from others. I don't have any horror stories about being teased or shunned. Generally, people really like me. Sure, there have been some mean and hurtful folks but no more than usual. On the whole, I've been really lucky to have great people in my life. However, I'm totally incapable of building "real" relationships. I feel like I have a thousand acquaintances and no real friends. I am afraid if people get too close, they'll see who I really am and they will leave anyway... so best just never test that theory.

Right now, I am not crying. I am not nauseated to the point of throwing up. I am just confused and scattered and anxious beyond belief... I'm pretty sure the above mentioned pain and pressure has to do with sky rocketing blood pressure. I am a wreck and it isn't learned helplessness... there really is no where to go... No health insurance, no more indigent programs for the mentally illn in my state, school will make me an intake with the counselor but already told me they will not assist with seeing a psychiatrist, ER would only prescribe benzos if anything, and no money to see a family doctor or psychdoc out of pocket.

Hell, money is part of the reason for getting into my hole. I haven't paid a single bill in 2 months. Not rent, power, cable/water/gas are already disconnected, not phone or car or insurance, nothing. I haven't paid because I haven't been able to find a job. I work in mental health and with the funds being cut, no one is hiring now. I had to leave my job earlier in the year to go care for abusive parents. So, it all just created a perfect storm that keeps throbbing inside of my head right now.

Here's what I need... I need motivation and support, please, please, please I am begging for attention, please. I don't need any pity... just encouragement. I need to hear that it's going to be ok. I am still able to do some things like keeping applying for jobs, occasionally talking to family, I can leave the house for absolute things like class or an interview... but otherwise, things aren't getting done in my life. The house is a WRECK... not dusty but disgusting.

I can do this... I know I can because I've done it before but I can not do it alone. I need support until I can get a job, clean my house, graduate from school, and get back on my feet. I need a place where I can be a little off my rocker and people are ok with that... I need to be real and be me... and quit pretending that I'm ok and together... b/c I'm not right now.

Thank you for reading. This helped so much that the throbbing has gone down a little in my head. Journaling doesn't help me... I need to be interactive with others... and the fact that this place exists helps me a lot. I hope to keep visiting here until i'm well enough to talk to people in my real life about these challenges. I want to be a whole person. I want to get insurance so I can finally get treatment.

I am terrified that I'll never be able to take care of myself at all. I'm almost 30 and I have nothing... absolutely nothing. I see clients like me all the time... and the line separating us is no more than an education. I see clients who are doing BETTER than I'm doing... I can't explain the circle of self-hate that I'm stuck in... to want to do better, to know I'm capable, to just NOT be able to do make progress, the guilt and the shame.

Ok, I'm really finished now. Thank you for your time.

[pachyderm]

[cantstopcrying]

ScaredSad, You sound so brave, please don't give up. You really can do this. Judging by the strength I hear in your post, you have everything you need to be able to get through this, your just need to believe again. I believe you can do it.

[Fuzzybear]

[ScaredSad]

Thank you guys, it's appreciated. I did pretty well for the last few days and am overwhelmed again now. I went to work on my research and just panicked. There's so much information out there and I've taken on too much I think... It's all great stuff and I know I can do it, it just seems overwhelming.

Thanks again, hope you are all well.