Big mess

sorry for posting so many pointless posts

so lonely right now and so thats only making things worse... cant stop crying

When are you supposed to see a t or doctor?

I dont have a T... wont be able to see one for 8months
seeing doc again on monday, but shes done all she cam
and this weekends gonna be hard anyway
i just dont know how to make things better i want me back!!

what are some things the you you want back used to enjoy doing?

painting, cycling... i dont know, ive tried things I used to enjoy, but this thing with John is making it harder... we used to do loads of things together and now I can't face anything 'cause there's too many memories
I just feel so pathetic
Its my fault I'm like this, my fault I'm in this mess, but I can't get out of it

Start with painting--what a good release. It doesn't have to be anything--it can be nothing but angry slashes or it can be a beautiful landscape. Put your passion, anger, hurt, hope and desire into it. Don't judge it, don't think, just do it. I know the feeling of memories everywhere--I just ended a 9 year relationship--talk about doing everything together. I still cannot listen to the radio, can only listen to certain music otherwise I totally lose it. We still live in the same town, still talk and it is horrible. But if you want to get back to you, you have to jump that first hurdle and just take a leap of faith. Put the paintbrush back in your hand--paint your bedroom wall! Have you given any more thought to accepting being on medication? It really is a chemical imbalance that causes severe depression--the situation with John and your dad exacerbate it. Paint something today. No matter how small.

doc has given me an anti depressant... but I haven't taken any yet... I just can't, I panic and I get in such a state.
It's a really low dose too 'cause I explained how anxious I was about them, so she's started me really low. Apparently the dosage I'm meant to be taking will just help me sleep at max, it wont affect my anxiety or depression unless we up the dose.
But still can't take it

But if you get good sleep, your mind will be able to function much better. Trust me! You really should give it a try. A refreshed mind is less likely to dwell in negativity. I wish I could help you in some way. I hope you will at least try painting today. What about things you've never done that you've wanted to? You could try one of those!

(((molly))) sending out some healing thoughts and letting you feel what you feel.. its hard, it hurts... the pain will lessen... keep sharing.. you're not a pest.. breaking up is hard to do..... keep your half of all the love good, ok? you're not bad, you're not mean, you're not a pain.. just need some understanding, some caring, someone to listen.. thats ok.. thats one reason we're here.. to listen and care... we all hope you feel better soon but hey, you're dealing with some real stuff right now.. this is important to you.. i know i really want to see you feeling good about you and what you stand up for again... ive liked your attitude of caring for and defending others.. the molly i think i know wont give up.. we can care about you awhile, its no stress..

I am sorry you are blue I think you need a great day at the beach so I am sending you one. Take care,

(((molly)))

How are you doing, sweety? Weekend is almost over. Did you get a chance to do anything enjoyable? Try to remember it is so ok to cry and feel bad, that doesn't define who you are--it just means you're hurting.

I just wanted to add some hugs for you.

(((((big thank you hugs to all of you)))))
it's times like these where I feel really guilty for feeling so down, because there are a lot of people that do care about me and don't even know me.

nowheretorun... as always thank you for your kind words and understanding
....... and I'm trying, trying really hard

greg... thank you for my visit to the beach, made me smile

kipper... thank you for the hug

cantstop... didn't have a good weekend at all unfortunately. I did meet up with john though and we talked... wasn't great, I'm hurting like mad and unsure what to do at the moment, but I'm a little less confused about what's going on. I'm just so torn.
I'll try (and hope) to do something enjoyable during the week.

sadandtired... thank you

(((molly)))) i admire your guts and courage... i sense that you are really doing deep and painful inner work now... you're really showing your strength even tho its trying so hard to pull you down.. you are strong girl!

now i'm pretty sure that Superman liked you for some reason that i cant remember right now, but thats ok, i think Superman has a good eye for a girl...

i bet there are still some qualities in you like what he thought he saw in you...

and i'll bet there are still some qualities in you that you happen to like also...

one is your kind and caring strength, thats my favorite right now...

now, as a guy, i'm going to say, a lot of us are confused and mixed up ... i dont know Superman personally, but i have to think he must be a swell guy in some ways... so you gave him all your heart, or a lot of it at least...

as time went on tho a few spats and a few misunderstandings grew... were you able to really talk and be heard and understood by each other?

did you really decide and commit to love? well, if you did, one or both of you can pick it up and try again.. the game isnt over..

but did you learn something else? is this still the man you want to give your very precious self to?

not intended to raise doubts, but instead for you to really look in and ask self.. is where he is, really where i am going? (assuming you chose love, peace, and joy for self)

does he desire the same as you, and, most important, can you make it work? work and commitment is what it will take... love will always lead us back to love thru a path known as healing... remember to love yourself molly, your own self is in many ways the best friend you will ever have, and the one who will never ever leave you unless you let go..

thanks for holding on still...

(((((((((((((((((((((((nowheretorun))))))))))))))))))))))))
thank you

the reason he said he wanted to break up was because he didn't always 'want' to spend time with me anymore, he said he felt differently, he says he doesn't understand it
but.... as well as that, the big thing that's really getting to me is that he lied to me. He said he started to feel this way over the summer, but didn't say anything to me (and we also promised each other we would always be as honest as we could with each other, and promise that if anything ever happened we wouldn't break up by text)
but he keeps telling me, he loves me and cares about me so much and I'm still the most important person in his life. But how can he hurt me and treat me like that... was a constant lie... he kept things the way the were. I feel used and cheap.
I deserve better than that, but he's gone, just like that.
I can't typr.... crying too much
I just wish it never happened, or we'd never met cos cant live like thus
Molly

I know that meds are intimidating, but you should really give them a try. When you're just starting out on meds, they always start you out on a too low dose to make sure you don't have any bad reactions to it&to see if it's a good fit for you. A med that works for me, may not work for you. You're not a pain or anything bad. You've made so many positive posts that people have appreciated not only getting, but reading. Even though you're down, you're still giving hugs-that says a lot about what a good person you are. We all feel this way at first w/meds&sometimes all of the time. Give the meds a chance. I know it's not fun to have to take something to feel better, but your body isn't up to it right now&it needs a little help-meds can do that. I'm definetly not med happy. They don't always solve the problem, but they can lessen the pain enough that you can feel better&like going on with your life&give you time to work things out.PM me anytime.

((((sky))))) thanks for that
I will TRY sooner or later... I'm just extremely anxious about it. I was prescribed antiD's before by my old doc and the dosage she gave me was too high to start me on and I freaked out... so that's not helping my anxiety with taking this one.
I will try though... I will take it eventually

Molly, you don't know me, but I wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts.
To me, it sounds like you are doing a good job of hanging on, sharing here, and listening to the advice. The acts of someone who wants to feel better--and I hope you do soon.
Cap

This is exactly what I was gonna write. Thanks Cap... you saved me the time... haha
((((Molly)))