just sad :_(

I've been laying out on the futon in the living room, listening to the wind -- you know it's windy when you can actually HEAR it swirling around -- and I always get sad in bad weather for the people who don't have warm places to be.

I did a story on homelessness once, and I went to a free meal program at the cathedral (which, being downtown, sees a number of the down-and-out). I chatted with some of the workers, who were former homeless people, and then I sat at a table and talked with a guy who seemed willing to talk. He was filthy, and he stank, and he was all disheveled and his clothes had holes in them, and I forget what it was that I asked him, but he very proudly said -- "Hey, I'm not homeless. I have a tent!"

I feel bad for people like that when it rains real bad, or is super cold, or whatever. I guess I feel a little guilty for having a warm place (though maybe not if I can't pay my rent!, and I haven't paid my electric bill in eons, but they can't shut me off till April).

And I'm feeling sorry for myself because I had to explain the whole adoption mess to someone new last night (not a therapist), and I'm desperately missing my son, and it hurts like hell. For all the healing that's taken place over the past year or so since his mom found me, my heart might be in 5 billion pieces now instead of 10. I can't try to explain it without thinking of some be-otch (whom I no longer speak to) telling me I don't deserve to feel bad, so I'm not going to bother, but it aches.

I see my T tomorrow, thank god. I don't even know where to start with him. Too much is going on.

And I'm sad because I don't know if I can do this stupid job I accepted, because my boss handed me back a story today that she found holes you could drive a truck through in, and she's cool about that but I don't think these people will be. I think they expect a lot more out of me than I can actually do, frankly. I feel like a fraud. And I'm sad because I'm going to miss most of the folks where I am now. They've been very, very good to me and it will be hard to leave them behind and go into someplace new where I have to start all over again.

Maybe I just need a good cry. I wish that were easy for me. I guess my version is to go to bed, curl up with a bear and let myself feel bad. Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

Candy

((((((((((((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))))))))

Hi Candy,

There is always some stress around a new job, but you write well, very well, and I can see why they hired you.

I would say - don't be too hard on yourself, you have the talent.

Cheers, Myzen.

((((((((Candy))))))))

((((((Candy))))))

'cause your bear can't hug back ..

Dear Candy --

I have read your writing, and you are a good writer and a good reporter.

The editor's job is to find holes in the story *to help make it better.*

One of the best things I learned in graduate school was the idea of collaborative research and writing. A dozen years in this environment has really helped me to "get" that I don't have to be defensive or feel inadequate because someone finds a way that my work might be *even better than it already is.*

I want to emphasize that phrase. It really makes a huge difference if I tell a student "here's a way that your work could be better" and "here's way that your work could be even better than it already is"

Most managers don't learn appropriate language for the job -- but please hear it as if they said it with all due tact and finesse.

Lastly, everyone hates change. Even brides. I feel so honestly confident that you can do well at this, Candy. Your work, at its best, is excellent. You know that many people have advised you to enter some of your best work in contests. It's that good. Please have faith.

luvya --