[sorrel]

It's not dysthymia. It's the 'whole thing'.

I've been depressed since very young, although I was only formally diagnosed in the past 5 years or so.

My first full on breakdown was when I was 24, the accumulation of just about a decade of 'having to' have my feelings tucked away, and hiding my tears and pain.
I didn't seek treatment then though. I was too terrified. And it wasn't in my... conception of the world.

I'm 38 now, have been in therapy since I was 30, decent therapy since I was 32.
3 years ago I was diagnosed by the consultant psychiatrist as having 'Recurrent Depressive Disorder'.
I'm one of those people, a

minority of patients may develop a persistent depression ... (for which this category should still be used).

http://www.mentalhealth.com/icd/p22-md01.html

To my face, he said I have 'longstanding treatment resistant depression'. But I am slowly improving with treatment. It's not easy though, as you can imagine.

My depression is complicated by symptoms arising from complex trauma/abuse. Dissociation, flashbacks, panic, hyper-vigilance et al.

I know when I'm in a severe episode. I function then, but only just. My body goes through the motions of life, but my mind's not there. When I'm in a severe episode, I self harm, or am too despairing to hurt myself, I'm irritable with everyone, and severely paranoid.

Mostly though, it could be classed as moderate.

I'm wondering if anyone else has similar experiences.

[kebsfroggy]

In a single word "yes", well sort of the same. I've been diagnosed with non-curable, treatment resistant depression.

Basic meaning I have tried every drug or combination of drugs and nothing works. There are a couple of implants that might help but my insurance won't pay for either one.

I've been in weekly therapy sessions for the last 2 years. Before that I was making trips to the "funny farm" about every other month.

I went through 3 months of ECT treatments without much success. The combo of drugs and ect treatments caused a long term memory loss. So much so that I have a 25 year old son that I don't remember. (Thank God for old photographs)

My Pdoc says all they can do is basically make me "comfortable". Don't you just love the medical profession.

Basically you learn to function. During a severe episode you just go through the motions (which is a good way to lose friends) On "good days" the inside feels almost as good as the smile on your face. Then you hope that it will last a little longer this time.

Don't give up hope.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( sorrel ))))))))))))))))
I can relate

[stefano]

Hey, my first episode was at 23, now I'm 37, and I'm doing treatment since I was 30, we are following teh same path, even if you have worse symptoms.
By the way, lately I am improving greatly with a medicine that was meant against bipolar disorder. My pdoc find this out after noting that my episodes were alternating at regular intervals (I had kept records ).

Now I'm always down, but moderately, and no painful crises. I'm kind of disthimic. Not good but way better. Talk about it with your doc.

The best of luck

[debbie_tabor]

Same thing as me. First major depression before I left school, a lifetime of struggling on through various degrees of depression. (I'm 41). I got very good at hiding the pain, and functioning as best as I could. I'm British but moved to the States 4 years ago. Before I came here I had therapists, but couldn't tell anyone the extent of what I was going through. My perception was that noone would really care anyway, unless I was on the verge of killing myself (and I can't).

Now I have a psychiatrist, and a therapist who will talk to me out of hours if I'm really distressed. Effexor helps a bit but the effect wears off. I still haven't tried absolutely everything meds wise. DBT is helping me change the way I think and cope better with distress. I can talk about self-harm, suicidal thoughts, being depressed all the time to anyone who will listen, which is important in asking for help when I need it. I've also been practicing asking for help when I need it! I even told a couple of workmates about the depression recently so they don't just think I'm a lazy arse. I work SO hard to keep on working, but all they see is the days I can't get in to work. I'm just starting to see the whole thing as a disability for which I deserve some help in the workplace.

I never met anyone in the same situation until recently - I went into a day program where everyone was the same, and it was a revelation. My DBT group has people who have continuing depression. Not having to pretend you're OK, and knowing other people completely understand is really helpful.

[DOWNINNATICK]

Hi Sorrel;
I've been depressed most of my life too, and you have made some good choices in the last few years, keep pushing forward and always give yourself credit for all the little and big things you have done in your life.

Hugs
Cindy

[sorrel]

Thanks everyone.

I'll reply in more detail as soon as I get some more time.