[BrandonSS90]

Do you guys ever have any of those moments where your not SURE your depressed or normal, "or good"?? I have been since I took Abilify, just started it yesterday. Woke up feeling.. alright. Pretty good amount of energy, and just feeling OK. That.. in the middle feeling. Then.. later on in the day, I feel kinda.. like.. am I depressed, OK? It's like I don't know what to expect from the complex of the word, "normal", anymore. My nurse keeps saying I have a mood disorder, but.. she has never, at all mentioned what. I keep assuming it's Bi-Polar, but.. who knows? Because I think the first question my psychiatrist asked me when I first seen him was, what runs in your family? Any mental issues? Then I told him my dad has anger and rage, and when I was little my mom told me he used to punch her while she was pregnant with me... and burn ciggarrettes on her body.

So.. what do you guys have to say? What IS the meaning of "normal" or "good" feeling to you? I'm always either.. questioning myself, or.. in complete sorrow and melancholy, have NEVER felt "good" about myself, or life. The only thing that made me feel good was when I took Cymbalta, which wore off and never worked anymore. Then Zoloft, which made me feel like, I remember saying, "I feel like I can do BACKFLIPS!" to my mom, before school, like.. right after taking it. And.. too, wore off, even after raising my dose a few times, then my doc gave up on it. And I did too for that matter...

SORRY long post.

[JudeeB]

Hmmmm......
What does "normal" or "good" mean to me?

The word normal has no meaning for me. People who are in so much self-denial have bragged about being normal, when in fact they have no self awareness whatsoever. So is normal being clueless, without complaint?

I can relate to being in a good place. I came to understand that by finally understanding what made me feel bad. My perceptions about what happened to me as a child and why, affected how I saw myself and the world. A lot of bad things happened to me and I concluded it was all my fault and that I was bad. I decided I was unloveable and could never be good enough and deserved whatever happened to me. My parents didn't love me so that meant I was really messed up. Those became my core beliefs for decades. Every choice I made was based on those negative beliefs. I filtered everything that happened to me through those destructive messages.

I didn't want anyone to know how messed up I was so I hid who I was from people. I tried to be whatever the other person wanted me to be. That is a miserable way to live. It never felt safe to be me, and after many years I
lost myself.

Now I'd say I'm pretty good. What happened?
After years in therapy and 12 step programs and building a relationship with the God of my understanding I've rejected those lies. The abuse that happened was not my fault. Even though my parents didn't know how to show love, I am lovable. I'm no better nor any worse that anyone else. Do I get blue once in a while? Oh yes. emotions are fickle and up and down and old ways of thinking can creep up on me. Medications over the years kept me from the darkest pits of depression but did not determine if I was good or not.

Good is having a realistic awareness of myself. Good is knowing the truth about who I am. Good is being able to feel grateful for the things in my life. Good is knowing I can handle whatever life throws at me. Good is having hope and faith no matter what comes my way. Good is no longer seeing myself as a victim. Good is caring about others without having to strive to please them to feel good about myself.

Feelings are not facts. Feelings don't always reflect the truth. I don't determine what is true or good by looking at my feelings.

Take what you want and leave the rest as they say in program. This is just my experience. Great question, hope you get some helpful answers!
Judy