[debbie_tabor]

Just spent the entire day avoiding finishing something REALLY important so I have a chance of getting another job after this one. (Writing a science paper for publication). Also, so I can stay in Boston and not have to go home. Looked up procrastination.... decided I'm scared of success (I become public in the science world), AND failure (they'll find out I'm crap).

At least the dogs at the animal shelter benefited from my procrastination. I wish I could work there, but I either won't feel like I'm good enough because of the depression, or I won't be good enough because of the depression. Probably couldn't get a visa to do that either, though they do do behavioural research at the shelter.

Need more meds. But they give me constipation and I have fissures and my pdoc doesn't give a s**t. Ha Ha. I don't trust him, he throws meds at me. Gave me max dose of effexor with trazadone and didn't warn me of really serious side effects. Need a new pdoc who'll work with me. Me and current pdoc are working against each other. Too much to sort out!!!

I'm stuck cos I need to deal with my pdoc to get more meds, but it feels too difficult to deal with my pdoc. Getting stuck from not facing people is a big problem for me and my T and group home counsellor want me to do it. They say if I tell him there's a problem maybe he'll change. But I'm stuck. I want to leave him and just write him a letter, but I'll feel bad about that.

Spent most of the rest of the day looking up pdocs. Need to meet them to see if I think they're ok. Have no time with writing paper, or not writing paper when I should be. Gonna be in trouble tomorrow. Should've finished by now.

[debbie_tabor]

Poker After Dark is on TV. Time to go to bed.

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((debbie))))))))) Isn't it odd that our minds make us fear something positive-- success!! Which then starts the what-ifs:I'm no good, I make a mistake, I'm really good and that brings change, and on and on it goes! Believe in yourself. You haven't made it this far because you suck! If you do suceed and become known in the science world is that what you have working towards? Is there no middle ground? Is it possible you write your paper and it's very good but you don't get catapulted to fame, but you aren't a failure either?? The fact that you will have actually written the paper is a success in itself. Too, if you write it, get it out of the way, then you can spend time at the shelter or watching poker without this weighing you down.

Communicate with your pdoc, tell him your corns and ask him to work with you.

Good luck....next time you're procrasting, let me know and I'll poke you

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( debbie ))))))))))))))))
I was once seeing a PA in my drs office who seemed to just be ignoring what I was saying and shoving the same old meds at me, I finally had enough and told him that this situation wasn't working for me, it took some guts but it saved my life if I hadn't been referred to a surgeon, they said that my gall bladder would have killed me, I was being treated for acid reflux. My point is that you can stand up to your pdoc, remember they work for you. I also quit seeing this PA so that is always an option too, just do what you think is best for you and your health.
I am a procrastinator too, good luck with the paper.

[bipolar_bear]

Putting yourself out there is a scary thing. It is a very personal thing and the fear that someone will disagree is very scary. But, you are capable of writing this paper. After all, you wouldn't even have the choice if you weren't. Sometimes if you break it down into smalll pieces it helps. Just a bit at a time. I know how hard it can be to have confidence in yourself and your abilities but I wish you could clearly see that you are real and not "crap" as you put it. I hope you found the determination inside to help you through. Good luck with your paper.

BB

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( debbie ))))))))))))))))))

[debbie_tabor]

Thanks everyone for the replies and the hugs.

Cantstopcrying, I need constant poking. It will be a HUGE achievement to get this paper published, given the amount of effort I have put in to keep working, and keep writing. Plenty of anxiety&depression-provoking challenges have come my way in the past 4 years. (Things that those with stronger characters could probably have coped with). (That’s a fairly pointless thing to say!) I've been finishing this paper for 6 months now, and today's the day it WILL finish being written.

I guess the people who I’m most worried about seeing the paper are people I’ve worked for before – I don’t want to humiliate myself – and obviously I’m not overwhelmed with faith in or optimism about my work. The illness has something (a lot?) to do with that. I can imagine them inviting me to give talks. The paper will have to get through peer review first so hopefully they’ll pick up on anything that’s not right. It felt like the end of the world when I had to show my boss the work that was going in the paper, and it wasn’t, and I ended up presenting myself quite well. The end of the world feeling isn't fun though!

I think I’m going to chicken out of talking to my pdoc – I need the meds too badly to be stuck not talking to him. I’d much rather see a lady pdoc (I didn’t get a choice about the current guy, but thought I’d give it a go). Him being male doesn’t help with me trying to talk to him.

I’m totally drained with the effort of the past 4 years (being bullied and depressed, and trying to keep working and feeling bad not working; more recently being exhausted and depressed and keeping working when I needed to be in bed). I’m not sure I can keep up the effort to be in science, but that basically means I have to go back to the UK. I moved into a group home because I wasn’t going to make it on my own, but that lead to 6 months of being stressed out of my brain, and more depression. And I keep wanting the meds to have an effect, but that’s partly my fault because I don’t trust this guy so I haven’t always done what I was told.

My bosses money to pay me runs out next August. He has said I can have workspace in the lab if I get my own grants, which is the best science option at the moment, because it means I don’t have to start again in a new environment. I feel like if I could get energy and motivation, a dose of positive thinking and a perfect anti-anxiety drug, I could do OK….. Otherwise I feel like I’m right on the borderline of being functional. Intellectually I can be good enough, and I think that’s how I got this far. The rest of my brain seriously gets in the way!!!

[cantstopcrying]

I won't poke too much if you're trying to get it finished today. It's very admirable doing what you've been doing throughout everything that's going on. We are our own harshest critics...especially those in the science and medical fields I've found. Have faith that you'll do just fine--and in case you don't have faith, I'll have faith in you!!

So will you be applying for grants next so that you can stay working there? I'm going through applying for research grants for my doctor and it's a time consuming process, that's for sure.

Try to stay focused and motivated and POSITIVE! There is no way at all you would have made it this far if you didn't have not only the intelligence but the drive and dedication. Keep at it!!!

[debbie_tabor]

I will start work at 11am and work til 2 before having lunch. I'll start with the least difficult task. I'm finishing my paper to give to people tomorrow. The parts of me that are finding it so difficult and think I'm no good need to leave me alone for now. I can do it if they leave me alone.

[debbie_tabor]

Thank you. If I can keep applying myself, grants are next

[debbie_tabor]

Concentration poor, but made a little progress. Have to walk dog-sitting dogs, leave dog-sitting house, pop in to say hi to another of my dog-sitting people down the road whose dog got ill, talk to Dad. Then it'll be time for bed. Bleeurgh.

[cantstopcrying]

Doin' good!!

[debbie_tabor]

Just at the right time!





(A few seconds distraction... Onwards and upwards)

[cantstopcrying]

Keep it up!!!

[nightbird]

Nice!!!!

What a pleasure to see how cantstop and debbie are teaming up to get things moving!!!!

Really, really nice to see... bless your hearts.

Peace and kindness,
night

xoxo