bad.

again.
i got too lonely at that party last night, and now i'm spiraling down again. lost my focus, motivation, spirit to get my coursework done. and i just want to curl up and stop existing. i'm scared, at this rate i'm so close to being on the edge again. i just feel so trapped.

*hugs*

try to remember that being lonely at a party last night is just one event. It might remind you of others, I know. But try to remember what you're working for.

I often feel oddly alone at parties. It seems silly because it feels like everyone's having fun, and there are so many people how could I feel lonely? But really, at least in my experience a party lends to an atmosphere where reactions are pretty shallow. (you don't REALLY get to know people at a party)

*hugs*

You don't need to hide, keep trying

((((((((((((( tao )))))))))))))))))))

xoxoxoxoxo

When you're spiraling down, reach up; we are here to hold your hand and pull. Personally, I hate parties for the very reason you mentioned. I don't fit in, I don't relax and enjoy myself unless it's with really really good friends, and I don't have any of those any more, so! I don't go. Our company had a wine tasting open house for referring physicians--I organize it and every year have gone and I join in conversations once in a while, but I don't feel comfortable, I end up leaving and feeling bad about myself so this year, I organized it and didn't go!! I caught hell from my boss but you know what? She isn't me. She doesn't live my life. She doesn't know how I feel. Could I have gone and been very fake and social? Sure. But my current situation doesn't need any more downers so I chose not to go. Honey, you have to make the decisions that are right for you, I know you wanted to feel like everyone else and not feel alone, but you ended up feeling worse. Please look at yourself and see that it's not a bad thing. Its how you are right now. Don't be down on yourself because you didn't have a good time--it's not your cup of tea, so to speak. Maybe it used to be or maybe you want it to be, but accept you for you. You have come so far, done so well. Don't let this one incident overshadow all that. Remember how bad you were feeling not too long ago--you beat that! Reach out to those who can help you. It's ok. You can do this!!

((Tao))
I'm sorry you feel trapped again...
Feeling lonely at a party is something many of us feel, Tao. I agree it can lead to more depressing thoughts. It's so very hard to step back from that abyss, but you can do it.
We are here for you

Cap

((((((((TAO)))))))

i too feel lonely at parrties. its like even though your with a bunch of people you feel even more lonely. i hate it. but know how you feel. you're not alone

just find things you can do that don't make you lonely instead of going to parties.

i've thought about not going, and sometimes i stay home from events. but i feel just as bad then because i want to be there. it's just a different kind of bad, an antisocial isolation instead of feeling isolated in a crowd. both lead to the same place.

I know, but eventually you will get to a place where you can be ok with not going without feeling antisocial. There's a difference between being "antisocial" and not being comfortable in situations like that. Why do what makes you uncomfortable? Instead of sitting home feeling bad, do something for you....anything...a nice long bath....draw....bake.....watch a movie and eat icecream from the container....skip the movie and just eat icecream fromt he container.....skip the icecream and watch a movie....rearrange your room. It's time to do things for YOU. That doesn't make you selfish, it makes you smart and healthy. You can wish you went to the party if you don't go, but when you start wishing you had went, think about how you would feel!

it's not that i'm uncomfortable there, it's that i'm alone. i want to be around people, and not miss out on even more than i already do. and it's something different. every night i'm home, alone. i need to go do things. but either way it's bad. at least i've done something and not sat home alone when i go to things. there's just no good options. i feel so empty.

(((Tao)))

I think you accomplished something just by getting dressed and out the door--nevermind how the party turned out!!!

I can relate to what you're saying about getting lonely at gatherings especially if I don't have any significant connections with the other people. If the wall could open up and suck me away sometimes I think no one would miss me and I would be glad to just disappear.

Somebody once told me their secret to going to parties. Take a nice shower and wear good clothes. Find out what the weather forecast is. Know who played and won--pick a sport. Know what's hot at the movies. And what's the biggest headline for politics and disasters. These things help me. I feel more composed armed with some chit chat knowledge. Of course, sometimes I adjust the subjects depending upon the group I'll be with.

There are times when nothing works and even if it did work I'll be feeling broken so it's just freaking doomed. But the more often I go out and practice my social skills the more comfortable I am with it.

Hope you don't spiral too far. You can spread your wings and change your course if you're up for it. I hope you can.

i know about that stuff. i'm up on the news. but they're not interested in that stuff, they talk about things they've done together or other people or i don't even know what - random stuff...

thanks... but the spiraling is pretty bad. i don't know how i'm going to handle this week... or anything.

Is your t from campus? If so, go there today, if not call. You need support and help to stop from getting to that point again. We're here for you honey, you can do it.

yes, my t is on campus. but i didn't end up going today - i was going to do work there, but had to stay home to take care of my dog. she goes outside and won't come in, i think she's trying to die out there, but we can't let her freeze to death. so i'm home with her. tomorrow we're putting her down. i don't know if i'll try to get ahold of my t now, i just have so much to do and have to keep stopping to take care of my dog.

Give her a call, just explain that you may have to step outside. I'm so sorry about your dog. They really become family members when we rely on them so much and they are there for us. Give her a call, especially with what will be going on tomorrow.

((Tao))
I agree with CSC about calling your T...sometimes just a few moments can make a big difference.

I'm also very sorry about your dog...we had ours put to sleep this summer. Stressful and depressing.

Please take care of yourself, Tao. You have so much going on right now, but you are important to us and we care that you feel better.

PM/email anytime
My heart listens good
Cap

i didn't call him, i was too busy all day with my dog. i'm concerned about calling anyway, i really hate phones, and am not very good at communicating on them. if the roads aren't terrible tomorrow i might go on campus... so maybe i'll see him then...

Tao, I dislike talking on the phone also.
I want to see the person--body language, facial expression.
Yeah, there are times I have trust issues

I so hope a measure of peace comes into your heart/life Soon.
Cap