[imapatient]

Been ruminating about something that happened 8 years ago that I can’t (still) understand relating to the behavior of an ex-GF. I've always had a really negative opinion of myself about this episode. Want to understand it better. Am doing this as stream-of-conscious/catharsis—long.

What’s an explanation for, or How weird is this:

I came to realize one day in a moment of clarity that I’d still had strong feelings for a former GF—we had broken up 3.5 years earlier. I broke it off, and not well, but we stayed friends and were in sporadic contact. I was living out of state in grad school for that time period. We’d had a never-got-got going couple of minor attempts at getting involved, but it didn’t take. The attraction was always strong, though.

I fell apart in grad school and moved back to my home state.

When I moved back, I called her, her roommate/brother—a longtime friend of mine—answered. In response to asking about her, he said she was going out with X—someone I knew a little—another friend of the brother. She never returned any of the few messages I left.

About 9 months later I had my moment of clarity. I was horribly depressed and I was at a crossroads of maybe moving out of state for a serious 4-5 month job (a pol. campaign), maybe applying for an extension of my grad school leave of absence, or staying put. I think being at a crossroads moment my emotions opened up. It hit me on the morning I was supposed to hear about the campaign job.

I was devastated when I realized I was still in love with her after all that time. I thought and worked through the experiences of the time since we broke up and realized how central she’d figured into my thoughts and deeds. I hadn’t a relationship, found myself attracted to women who looked like or otherwise reminded me of her, etc. My T thought that maybe I returned home because of wanting her, or sabotaged my life (grad school) because I wanted to be with her.

I went through a major period of remorse, regret, guilt (about how I’d treated her), longing, and utter confusion that I’d held these feelings for long without being aware of them. She was still in my mind for continuing the relationship in a general way—I was aware of that; hence I’d called her when I first moved back. I started seeing someone very soon after trying to contact her and that, plus knowing she was in a relationship, tamped down the feelings.

So I spent about 6 weeks in utter desperation, regret, etc. and wanted to contact her and talk about it, but I was so uncomfortable about how to bring up my feelings and experiences. Also, I feared she might be engaged (I was 36 and she was 41). I was a wreck. I couldn’t see or think straight. I just felt like I had to express my feelings to her if nothing else to just get it off my chest and have her just hear me out. I wasn’t planning on trying to get her to go out with me—that wasn’t the point, though it obviously is something I wanted in an ideal world.

Finally was able to reach out by sending her a birthday card. Then started hanging out at the only place I thought I’d ever run into her—a certain bar. My 2nd or 3rd time there, she was there (almost a one in a million shot).

We talked for about 20 minutes catching up (probably been 1.5- years since prior contact) She said “nothing new, nothing big” going in her life. I said “last I knew you were going out with X.” She said “Still am.” That was her total comment on her relationship. Agreed to meet for dinner.

We talked on the phone a week later for 20 minutes catching up and arranging dinner. No mention whatsoever ever about her boyfriend.

At dinner I was going to open up about my feelings and what was going on with me. Couldn’t find myself doing it on the phone.

We met for dinner, and after an hour and being done with our food, I asked her in a very off-hand way about her relationship with the guy as a way to get into talking about relationships and spilling my guts.

She said “Oh, well we just decided to get married.” Gulp. I couldn’t believe it—just? In the time since we spoke on the phone? And I said “when did you decide that?” and she said “About 3 months ago.” Somehow in the next sentence or two I said, I can’t believe you didn’t say anything about it at bar/on phone. Her response was “I guess I’m embarrassed about telling people about it.” I tried to be congratulatory, but went to the bathroom to collect myself. So we talked about her wedding and various related stuff and I tried to be congratulatory. I couldn’t find a way to bring up what I wanted to talk about given her major news.

We parted—I don’t quite recall how it went, but it was on good terms, basically good with my telling her I was happy for her.

Still feeling the need to say my thing, but having been overshadowed, I called her 2 weeks later—after major distress and contemplation--to tell her I wanted to talk about something personal to me. She was horrendous, demanding to know what it was about. Said “I’m getting married.” I said it has nothing to do with that, I wasn’t asking her out for a date, it was personal to me, and I don’t feel comfortable; talking about it over the phone. She was super harsh, not wanting to meet, demanding I tell her than what was on my mind. She made me grovel and beg, basically. Told her I’d been short-circuited by her big news; that it wasn’t the right time to bring up my issues. I asked her to do it for me, for my behalf just because it was important to me—for me. Was demeaning, basically, and told me she’d do it but only for my good, not because she wanted to.

So we met, I had my say about all of it, how bad I felt for the way I’d treated her, how horribly I realized I treated myself, too, had ignored my feelings and stopped myself from going after what I wanted, etc. I didn’t try to ask her for a relationship, or ask her to reconsider our relationship, didn’t say anything negative about her--or him (he's a good guy), didn’t ask for anything from her but to listen. That I realized the need to come to terms with a completely internal; process, nothing she’d done had brought it on. I just needed a closure that I didn’t realize I hadn’t had. It went o.k.—she listened.

I know I talked about her not telling me she was getting married until after 1. 20 mins. In the bar. 2. 20mins. On the phone. 3. 1 hour of dinner. What if I hadn’t asked her about him (again?) She got into the “feel awkward telling people” “don’t know how to tell people” etc. kind of commentary. I didn’t press her about not having mentioned it or him at all. We parted on very good terms. I felt great relief, that I’d really said what I needed to, was heard, and had closure about our relationship.

How weird is it for her to have told me the way she did? After saying “nothing big/new going on in my life” only referring to him with the "still am” response about whether they were dating, no mention on the phone, no comment about him, engagement during 1 hour of sinner?

Isn’t that very, very strange? I was so blindsided given her absence of comment about him at all; not even an offhand comment like “X and I went to…or we did this…or started dating in Y…X does/did this that” Nothing at all.

She put me through hell trying to get her to meet me again, yet what had I done? I expressed no attitude about hearing that she was getting married when she told me at dinner…

I’ve always felt like she (and everyone else) probably thinks I’m very weird/strange/screwed up because of my sharing my feelings with her (and her reaction to my call asking to meet)—or more to the point: what those feelings were, that I had them so intensely so long.

But what was up with her? Obviously she wasn’t straight forward with me. I’m not even sure that I think she was honest in not telling me about the engagement. What woman says she’s embarrassed about telling people she’s getting married? But whatever. I feel I was made to feel like the weird one, asking to meet again as if I was asking for something outlandish and demanding or her. Or that my personal narrative involving my feelings about her was some sort of absolutely screwed up thing. I think her behavior was absolutely bizarre, but I didn’t press to get an explanation. I know that it was awkward for her to tell me, but to that extent of waiting so long and only upon being asked about her relationship with the guy—for the 2nd time.

I’m looking for some help interpreting her behavior, what went on. An outside perception because I’m befuddled (still) by her actions, and on top of it feel like I was really strange about having my feelings in the first place and then feeling the need to tell her about it. I’m hoping that maybe my feelings and her feelings/behavior about telling me says something about our dynamic, and also about her, not just about my dysfunctional being/relating.

That was 8 years ago.

I’ve found myself thinking about it these past weeks. I never got her story about why she behaved as she did—not telling me. etc. I didn’t push for it; let her be with the feelings without asking for something in return.

What was that all about, what might have been going with her about not telling me/how it happened?

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((((( imapatient )))))))))))))
First of all good for you for sharing how you felt with her. I think that sometimes we get those sort of feelings and they can be completely normal. I too have thought back to past relationships and felt like I needed to tell the person how I felt, I have always been to chicken.
As to why she behaved the way she did, maybe that was her attempt to try to protect you from getting hurt. Maybe she didn't know how to tell her ex she was getting married or maybe she still had some feeling towards you and it confused her. It could also be that she had some confusing feelings about getting married, I have known people who would go back and forth during an engagement about if they really wanted to get married.

[imapatient]

Thanks. Yes, I've thought about all those things. I can see something in the not wanting me to be hurt and some awkwardness, but it just seems so extreme--her way of avoiding it. I've been so down on myself for first still having those feelings, not acting on them, and then having them all come out at once--and as if wanting to just say them was so horrible. Like it was really really weird of me to want to get it off my chest. I want to get some validation for having very mixed-up feelings about her and the realtionship that it soothes me a bit to think she was mixed up about it, too. You know that as weird and strange as I think it was of me, her behavior shows that it wasn't just me being in left field--it was a 2-sided awkwardness. Still, I ruminate for some reason these days.

[imapatient]

[quote=gimmeice;883783 It could also be that she had some confusing feelings about getting married, I have known people who would go back and forth during an engagement about if they really wanted to get married.[/quote]

On this line, the one thing I thought was that her viciousness when I called her to ask her to get together that last time (after the time when I got short-circuited by her news)--when I wanted to have my say--is that she and the fiance had had a discussion and maybe she let out some feelings about me and her holding back on telling me. Perhaps there was some contentiousness between the two that she was so harsh with me in a type of projection--like she was upset with herself for realizing that she had some feelings still--which led her to delay--and that that had caused some difficult moments with the BF. She was anything but indifferent in that call to say the least.

[nightbird]

(((Imapatient)))

I find when we spend too much time mulling over the past, we are missing this very moment... and the love that is available to us.

You may not ever know for sure, but one thing is sure, you made your amends-like to her. You are free to feel better about yourself, and have learned the higher road in treating people we get the chance to love and who may love us in return. This is an invaluable, although painful lesson, but we get through them so that we may move on.

It could have been everything gimmeice said, and that is all you have to go on.

The good news is that you got to re-examine this lesson, this heartache perhaps, to realize you can and will do better and already are there, by how you tried to make things right... so now you can be free from the past, this hurt, and move forward... after all, you are going in that direction!

Be well, and keep living in the moment, and love will find you again!

Wishing you every happiness within yourself, and the what the future moments hold for you!!!

xoxox

Peace and Love,
night