[sadly_me]

i don't feel good today...or yesterday...

i'm in the midst of a really bad depression. so bad i hurt physically - ache all over. i'm not sleeping normally. not eating normally. i can't think. i can't concentrate on any task lasting longer than 15 or 20 minutes. can't even focus long enough to get through a tv show! every second feels like an hour and every hour feels like ten days! i've been fighting not to SI. try to sleep when i can. i know there are things i could do to try and make myself feel better. i could visit my parents. call a friend. go for a walk. i don't know why i don't do any of those things. cleaning my filthy house might be nice too...the dog threw up on the floor in the kitchen...i just step over it! i don't care about anything (except that the dog might be sick and i can't afford to take her to the vet!). i know these feelings will pass in a few days...a week. i know i'll feel a little better eventually. i feel like i play possum when i get this depressed. if i just don't move...don't make a sound...lay still...silent...depression will sniff me like a dog sniffs a possum...and will then walk away. (unless it's like my dog...then it'll still pick up the seemingly dead possum and shake the ***** out of it!) just my luck... oh well... the sun has gone down on another day...

About sadly_me Biographyi am 33 yrs old and was first diagnosed with depression when i was 13. i've been hospitalized 3 times - baker acted twice. depression interferes with every aspect of my life every day of my life. i'm tired.

during the past two years, i've dealt with the following:

illness & death of 2 beloved pets
abusive boss (devil wears prada!)
hospitalization (baker acted)
loss of my job (because of hospitalization)
substantial increase in self-injuries
illness & death of my grandmother
end of a year-long relationship
sister's miscarriage (first child)
being stalked online/phone by psycho
mom's continued alcoholism
used up all savings & retirement
unemployed & can't find a job
no longer taking medication (can't afford them)

[Cthomas]

Hey, i lost my job too. know how that feels. had the loss of 4 family members in a 15 month period and lost a baby just before that. I was in bed for months. But here is the thing. when i forced myself out of bed. and i mean FORCED. i actually started feeling better. the fog lifted if not just for a while.

you need to force yourself to get up. your dog needs you. start by cleaning your house. then go back to bed. But at least try to do something. we can feed the depression or it wins and we are the winners not depression....right?

we also need to realize that tomorrow has the potential to be better than today. Let me know how i can help.

Take care.
Colleen

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( sadly_me ))))))))))))))))))))))))

Here is some hugs just for you,

I agree with colleen, I usually start to feel better when I force myself to get up and do something, which I know is a real battle sometimes.

[sadly_me]

i haven't figured out how to do that "forcing myself to do things" stuff. honestly i've tried - a million times before. but i tend to be a very easily overwhelmed person. when i try to do even the smallest thing - like clear off a table or pick some stuff up off the floor - all i see is ALL the other stuff i still have to do. i get overwhelmed and feel even worse.

i usually have found just waiting it out is all i can do. i know forcing myself to do things is probably the more productive way...i mean i know i need to learn how to deal with the feeling of being overwhelmed - if for no other reason than it affects my life in general even when i'm not depressed. i just don't know how.

i have learned that the really really horrific depression - when i beg God to let me die - always passes. whether it lasts 2 or 3 days or a week - i know it always passes. i've learned to hold on to that and wait it out. maybe it's not the most healthy strategy, but i'm still alive.

after spending about an hour cutting myself last night, i took a couple clonezapam i still have and a flexeril (from a back spasm) - both help me sleep. so last night i took them and slept for about 12 to 14 hours. i feel better today. much better.

i'm taking things slowly. i don't want to cause myself to crash again.

but i was able to finish filling out my unemployment compensation extension - that will give me another 7 weeks if i can't find employment (not holding my breath!). but that is two more mortgage payments and enough to keep the water and lights on.

i've turned off the heat - thankfully i live in a warmer climate - so it's just a tad chilly. i have food in freezer and canned goods in the pantry...the dogs still have food. so i can manage. i need to ask for an extension from the city to keep the water on! but i don't think they'll cut it off if i let them know money is coming... if it's cut off, i have a well in the yard to flush toilets! life goes on.

i also had enough umph to send an email to my sister - just to say hi.

i'm not going to attempt to make myself do anything more today. if i get something done, great, but if not. at least i got the unemployment app in the mail!

this time always scares me. not knowing if i'll start to feel a bit better or go back to feeling really badly. i don't want to feel really bad again!!!!

so i won't think about it. just think about feeling better.

i hope everyone feels a little bit better today!

[Capp]

((sadly_me))
honestly? I think you are doing a good job...you are recognizing what works for you, you've gotten some things done, you've posted here, you have some hope alive in you...
way better than I do when I'm in the abyss. those are the times when I have to convince myself to even get out of bed to go to the loo

thank you for sharing
Cap

[sadly_me]

Originally Posted by Capp

((sadly_me))
honestly? I think you are doing a good job...you are recognizing what works for you, you've gotten some things done, you've posted here, you have some hope alive in you...
way better than I do when I'm in the abyss. those are the times when I have to convince myself to even get out of bed to go to the loo

thank you for sharing
Cap

thank you Cap! what you wrote means a lot to me!

sometimes i feel like people in my life don't think try. but i really do. just, sometimes that means waiting it out.

((((hugs)))) for you!!!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( sadly me )))))))))))))))))))

[sadly_me]

thank you fuzzy bear!!!

[Capp]

((sadly_me)) x 400

Ya know what helped me also? I stopped listening to their demands that I do what they think I should do...heck, let them live in my mind for 40 seconds and they'll realize I'm doing the very best I can.
Besides, what gives anyone the right to say, Hurry Up?"
Most times it's out of concern, but there is also an element of control and impatience.
Oh but I hate to admit this, but there have been times when I've told someone to FO and let me do it the way I know works for me...they don't like it but that's their problem.
Once they learn to respect what I need to do for me, and I'm no danger to myself or them--they back off.

(of course their backing off might be from the ten foot pole I use)

Cap

[sadly_me]

Originally Posted by Capp

((sadly_me)) x 400

(of course their backing off might be from the ten foot pole I use)

Cap

back!

tank you Cap! i not feeling good today at awll! i tink i borrow yer big stick 'n smack sum peeples in da hed wiff it

[Capp]

Originally Posted by sadly_me

back!

tank you Cap! i not feeling good today at awll! i tink i borrow yer big stick 'n smack sum peeples in da hed wiff it

Lol...I FedExed it two minutes ago...
keep it as long as you want to as I have about thirty of them for different occasions

I'm sorry you feel bad, sadly_me.
Do baby steps help at all?
There were days when all I could do were snail slides to the potty

I believe in you, and I care
Cap

[sadly_me]

Originally Posted by Capp

Lol...I FedExed it two minutes ago...
keep it as long as you want to as I have about thirty of them for different occasions

I'm sorry you feel bad, sadly_me.
Do baby steps help at all?
There were days when all I could do were snail slides to the potty

I believe in you, and I care
Cap

tank you! i watch for da fed ex man.

i just hurt so much!!!! i just want to crawl out of my skin!!!

i didn't sleep last night at all. up all night. i think i'm gonna take a couple flexeril i got for a back spasm not long ago and just sleep. i don't wanna be awake. i just feel screaming in my head. all inside me just screaming for me to make da pain go way. i need to be tak'n my medicine but i can't afford it no more. cuz i'm too stupid to work. i mess up. mess everything up.

id go to the hospital today if i could ford it. but da hospital alredy trying to get me to pay 200 from da lass time i was dere when i had insurance cuz i was working but den i got fired cuz i was in da hospital an needed lots time off. if i had to owe thousands of dollars cuz now no insurance i don't think i could stand ti.

i not gonna do nuffin too bad. if i tink i do i call da hospital. dats why i jis wanna sleep. if i sleep i dudn't tink . nooooooooooooooooooooo think!!!

i sorry i so bad and sad. i not mean to make nobody feel bad.

i cold. tired. i check back in later to say hi

tank you cap for caring!

[Capp]

Originally Posted by sadly_me

tank you! i watch for da fed ex man.

i just hurt so much!!!! i just want to crawl out of my skin!!!

i didn't sleep last night at all. up all night. i think i'm gonna take a couple flexeril i got for a back spasm not long ago and just sleep. i don't wanna be awake. i just feel screaming in my head. all inside me just screaming for me to make da pain go way. i need to be tak'n my medicine but i can't afford it no more. cuz i'm too stupid to work. i mess up. mess everything up.

id go to the hospital today if i could ford it. but da hospital alredy trying to get me to pay 200 from da lass time i was dere when i had insurance cuz i was working but den i got fired cuz i was in da hospital an needed lots time off. if i had to owe thousands of dollars cuz now no insurance i don't think i could stand ti.

i not gonna do nuffin too bad. if i tink i do i call da hospital. dats why i jis wanna sleep. if i sleep i dudn't tink . nooooooooooooooooooooo think!!!

i sorry i so bad and sad. i not mean to make nobody feel bad.

i cold. tired. i check back in later to say hi

tank you cap for caring!

sadly_me
listen to my heart sharing with you, please.

You are not bad. You are a wonderful human being going through a tough time right now. You didn't ask for it and you don't deserve it.

Go to the ER and get treated for the pain. Here our public hospital has to take patients without insurance/ability to pay...there is no shame in doing it, either.
When you hurt that badly, sadly_me, is when you need professional help.
Meds. Check out needymeds.org. They can help you get your meds free...most of the drug companies also have patient assistance programs, too. Needymeds is a a good place to start, though, as they know of other resources for help.
I used them and it helped take a lot of worry and guilt off my mind.

Please be careful about the Flexeril...perhaps the lowest dose possible and take Tylenol to boost it?
Being sleep deprived makes everything even worse, but still be careful.

Let us know how you are doing!

Cap

[sadly_me]

da stupid computer messed up and made my message go way!

now i dudn't member what i wote.

i say i didn't take flexeril i not in paiin cuz dat no more i dis have some left. but i took klonopin. i took all dat i had leff. i tink dat was 8. an i sleepted till 3 today. dat was very very nice. but now i dudn't got no more pills. cept some flexeril an i got some benedryl. dat help sleepytime.

know wut else? i dudn't got no water?! all gone! know wut ewlse? da well pump is bwoke! lol! so i wait'n for tomorrow cuz it posed to rain! LOL! least God still gibs way water for free!

but ges wut. i has to cleen my house reel good cuz my dad gonna come ober an take care of my doggies. cuz dis weekend i gonna go to my fwends house!! i has enough gas to get me der an back. an i gonna stay couple days and dey know i sometimes lil. an we gonna bake christmas cookies. an dat gonna be fun!!!

i know tell dem bout all my messes. cuz dey sed i got too much drama an i dudn't want dem quit being my fwends. dey be mad too if dey find out i not tak'n my medicine...dey be bery mad. so i dudn't tell dem. shhhh

i dudn't wanna go to da hopital. dats scary place. i no hurt. i dis sad. dey put sad little girls in a special place. wiff all da udder sad people. some of dem crazy too. i be scared if i go dere. lass time dey took way my teddy bear. said adults dudn't need teddy bear. but i not dult. dey bad people dere. but if i don't act normal den i dudn't know where dey twy to put me for long time!!!! dat scare me too much. so i no no no no no no go.

i don't like being big no more so i dis gonna be lil otay.

[sadly_me]

me again...done being psychotically neurotic and back to just being super duper sad! i visited some friends earlier this week and the time away and with them helped me to level off some after having a really really really bad week or two last week. now, i just feel numb again.

it has been an absolutely beautiful day outside. i had windows open all morning while it was in the 60's and 70's and just had to turn the air on a bit now that the temps have reached 80's. but it's been so gorgeous out. i just can't enjoy it at all. what more can a person ask for than a beautiful day... and i can't enjoy it. i know it's a beautiful day. i know i should enjoy it. i just don't. i feel nothing, which it's kinda nice not feeling devastatingly depressed! just sad... i'm not even sure i "feel" sad. i just think its sad that i can't enjoy today.

i need to be working. i need to be writing and earning money. but i can't focus on anything. i'm afraid to try to make myself because i'm afraid i'll spiral down into the depths of hell that i just emerged from!

i should be applying for jobs. even if it means working at wal-mart as a cashier (it's an honest days work). i just can't bear the thought of having to be somewhere. having to be nice. *sticks tongue out at the world* even applying for jobs seems too much to do.

whenever i try to do something that seems too much i just get overwhelmed and bad things happen. as long as i don't move, don't sneeze, don't breate... i'll just stay nice and numb. calm...if nothing else.

i'm going to try to make myself go to a vocational rehab place on monday for an orientation. i went with a friend last week (she's applying for disability was denied and the attorney told her to go). but hers was in a different county. i actually thought maybe they can do something for me. i actually was able to get myself to ask a question of one of the staffers about mental health treatment. he said if the treatment is part of a plan to stabalize me so i can work then they might pay for it... i'm desparate. so i'll go. if i can manage to make myself go monday. who knows. maybe it's something.

i'm just so tired. can't sleep well w/o medicating myself. can't concentrate on anything even mildly stressful. i just managed to bring in a few buckets of well water to flush the toilet (my waters shut off) and THAT was like my major task for the day!

i almost have to laugh at myself. when did my life get so rediculous?!! how did i end up here?!! it's absurd!! how am i so ok with my water being shut off and hauling in buckets of well water to flush my toilet??? not bathing for days at a time... wondering when my parents will be out of their house so i can sneak over and shower, do laundry and fill up a few gallons of water!!!! huh? this isn't me... it seems so sureal! and i don't care. it doesn't bother me. doesn't upset me. nothing matters.

if i get my unemployment extended, i'll be able to pay january and february's mortgage. then that's it. no more of nothing... you'd think i'd be scrambling to make plans... take any job i could get. find a roommate. write! which is what i do for living...or try to do since i lost my 'real' job. nothing...

pls don't anyone tell me to take little steps...just fill out one application or submit one writing assignment query letter... or tell me to get a grip before i lose my house... i've told myself these things million times. it all just leaks outta my head... the thoughts don't stick. i just can't care. i know i'll care when my house is in forclosure! maybe i'll care. maybe i won't. never thought i'd be so cavalear about living in a house with no running water!

oh well... guess that's life. just thought i'd write a bit. if i don't write down what i go through or feel then i don't remember it. so this was today... numb and not caring...

& my flip'n dragon died? wut's up with that!