Husband mad at me (and the world) on Xmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve. Just about 8pm. And my husband is already in bed. He went to bed mad at me and the world because our Christmas isn't like the traditional Christmas that he longs for, the kind of Christmas that he sees on TV. Of course, it's all my fault that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will suck. It's just the two of us and he still wants me to make a big meal and all that. Mostly I think he just wishes he was with his kids and grandkids. He'd rather be with them than me. He even told me that if I died he'd go live near them. It made me want to be dead just so he could be happy. I'm so angry that I can't cry even though I'm needing to cry.

I'd like to go in and talk to my husband but he's so mad that it wouldn't do any good to try to talk to him. This depression stinks. I don't even feel like celebrating the holidays but I decorated and had us get some presents for each other and he's mad at me anyhow. What's the point? Why do I even bother? At times like this I just don't even know why living it worth it.

I wish I could talk to my therapist, but I won't ruin her holiday because of this. It's not like we haven't been here before. Every holiday is like this. He has all these expectations but doesn't want to lift a finger to make any of it happen. So, when it doesn't happen, it's all my fault. If I wasn't so depressed his life would be so much better (I'm sure that's what he's thinking).

So now I have to go to bed feeling like crap hoping that tomorrow won't be the disaster that tonight has been.

Really, what's the point?

I have to say though that I'm relieved that there is a place that I can express these things, especially on Christmas Eve. I'd feel even worse if I had no place to share. Thanks for being there, PC.

Same problem. Different fight. Just happened. Sorry it happened to you, too. "Merry" Christmas.

Thank you for replying, Tumnus. Misery loves company.

Sorry you are in the same situation. I used to have a sweatshirt that said "Merry Friggin Christmas". I never should have gotten rid of that shirt. Maybe I'll go look for one online. They might still have them somewhere.

Anyway, I wish for both of us that things will get better.

(((((Tumnus)))))

Sang this in church earlier. An "on'ry" friend poked me when we got to the third line. I think you should find that shirt again...or at least a mug...

I wonder as I wander out under the sky,
How Jesus the Savior did come for to die.
For poor on'ry people like you and like I...
I wonder as I wander out under the sky.

(((((((((((((((( internettie ))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry that your christmas isn't going well, I hope tomorrow is better. You say that you and your T have already discussed situations similar to this, so what would your T say to you if you did call her?
Personally I don't think that it is you or your depression that is causing your hubbies unhappiness, it sounds more like a problem with him.

((((((((((((( Tumnus ))))))))))))))))
I hope things get better for you, I am sorry to hear that your christmas isn't going well.

(((((gimmeice)))))

Since she's really into our DBT skills, I'm sure T would remind me to use my wise mind. She would ask me how I could reframe these thoughts I'm having. I think you've said something very important, gimmeice - I think this is husbands problem, not mine. He's an adult and he can make things happen too (like a traditional Christmas). I realized that he is mad because he feels like we don't have any money to spend on traveling to see his kids and grandkids. He's frustrated because we have a few thousand in the bank but all of it is spoken for (including an emergency fund and a Christmas trip is not an emergency). If we had planned for a trip and saved for it, I'd have no issue with going somewhere but honestly, I really feel like I'm not very important when he's around the kids and grandkids. I can see how different he is when he's around them and how happy he is too. I end up feeling even more inadequate than I usually do.

I'm sure at some point he'll tell me he's sorry that he got mad, but I just don't care for his apologies anymore. He seems to ruin every special occaission by doing this. Every holiday is rated by how much contact he has with his kids.

I don't know why I think this year would be any different. It's been like this for 20+ years now. He's never been happy without his kids (he divorced when they were little kids and they moved out of state). They are 25 and 29 now and he still calls them almost every day. It's not that I don't want him to have a good relationship with them, it's just that I think he needs to pay attention to our relationship first. But I'll never be first to him. It'll always be the kids and now the grandkids.

So, I've been sitting here watching Christmas movies just waiting for him to come out and apologize to me. But I won't hold my breath waiting on that to happen tonight. I guess tomorrow will bring whatever it brings.

I just thought too that husband took this week off (he had to use up some vacation time) but he never planned anything. I guess he was depending on me to do that too. He probably thinks this whole week has sucked because we haven't done much of anything. He complains about it but he never does anything to change it. But who am I to talk...

Internettie,

Things are not great here either. My husband waited until the last minute for us to do any shopping or decorating and then work interfered and so he's overly tired, grumpy and no fun at all. Things are not too good with us. We need counseling and I feel sad tonight, or should I say this morning. Christmas, like all holidays, is difficult for me due to abuse in my past. I wish we could just be kind to each other instead of merely tolerating each other. I feel so lonely like I've always been alone even in the middle of a group. I hope tomorrow comes off better than it seems it will right now. Hugs,

Leslie

im sorry you are all suffering miserable times becouse of spouses and things its realy wrong of them to make you suffer because of the way things are

(((((((((((((((all)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry that others have gone through the same thing. I hope everyone had a much better day today. Merry Christmas!

Internettie, I have an idea! My hubby was always talking about his kids and so I made 2 more for him!LOL My hubby is 61yrs and I am 38yrs. His kids are 28 and 31yrs. His Grandson turned 2yrs on Christmas and our Daughter will be 2 in March and our son will be 5 in January. Maybe that won't work for you but my hubby is very happy being a Daddy again! Also it helps to Marry a Man who's Religion doesn't celebrate Christmas! Mine is Muslim. I am Christian and do celebrate with our kids but to him it's how I feel about their Holiday Eid. No biggie!

Thanks for the hugs, Sannah!

missboots, unfortunately it's too late for me to start a family of my own. Good idea though.

We are both Christians but I've done a lot of research on Christmas traditions and have realized that it's not what I thought it was. I look at Christmas so differently now. I'm really not sure how I want to celebrate Christmas or if I want to celebrate it at all in any kind of traditional way. I'll have to figure out something though so that both of us can be happy at the holiday.

Christmas day was fraught with tension. We weren't fighting but we hadn't exactly made up either. Then yesterday husband talked to me about what a mess the house is and wanted to know why I've given up on everything. I told him it is the depression but he kept on asking what the problem is. I think he needs it to be something concrete so one of us can fix it. I wish it were that simple. I told him that I'm doing my best but of course I don't feel like that is a good enough explanation for him.

I guess it would do me some good to start talking about the holidays now and figure out how we want to approach them this coming year. It's just so hard to plan ahead when I feel so depressed. Gotta do something though.

hi internettie,

it was not a great Christmas for us either. i've struggled with keeping up the house as i have chronic pain issues and depression difficulty.

would it be possible for you to get a bit of housecleaning help? it would give him a solution and the help would maybe ake it a bit easier for you to try some to make it a home not just a messy house.

i think when i let it get so messy my husband sees that as a lack of love for him, rather than my struggles inside with pain and depression.

i paid my daughter before Christmas to come in an strike a blow for liberty in the 3 most needed areas of kitchen and bathrooms and after the break when she can she's gonna help me declutter where it will be easier for me to keep it decent. i think it will help him some too.

i hope you can find something that will help you become closer to your mate and help him deal with his longing for his children.

leslie and her pixies

leslie, sorry that Christmas wasn't good for you either. That's a good idea to get help cleaning the house, only problem is that I feel that the house has to be clean before anyone comes in to clean it. Isn't that silly. I should just give in and get someone in to at least clean the kitchen and bathrooms. Maybe I'll check into that on Monday.

My husband's feeling for his kids is so much more than just a longing. It's an obsession. My husband does have OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) so maybe that accounts for his feeling. He gets too attached and I don't get attached at all. I have grandkids and have no feelings for them whatsoever. That's just not right. I know it's just part of my depression/illness but it's hard to know that I feel nothing for them when I'm not with them.

(((((internettie)))))))

it's really a tough time for many of us, isn't it... keeping it together this time of year.

some really lose it, others get dumped on...

thank goodness it all passes.

so sorry you were unhappy, Dear Person.

Peace and Calm now,
Night
xoxo

I have the same problem. I have friends that have offered to help for free but I don't want them to see the mess...