[themoreloving1]

I am tired of being depressed. I honestly do not know if I have ever been "not depressed." I am sure I was a depressed child, growing up in the chaotic home that I did, but being forced to excel. Everything had to appear perfect to anyone outside the family. I always felt like a tiny adult...never allowed to be a kid. I was always carrying burdens.

Late this summer, it all fell apart. It came undone, I guess. I had to stop my professional training. I feel like I have had the crap beat out of me...repeated emotional hits every year of professional school, but I have the letters behind my name.

I don't know if I will be happy again. I'm scared and unsure of the choices before me. None of them feel right. I can't change career paths because of the debt.

I do not know what to do with myself. I am in therapy, on meds, taking supplemental vitamins...about to order a SAD light.

Will I ever get over all of this? I'm 27 and have never been okay.

[madisgram]

welcome to pc glad you found us! gotta give you a lot of credit. you are taking ownership of how you have been feeling. not meaning you "own" it but that you want to change the way you feel. plus you are doing some good things to combat the depression.
i was raised to be a perfectionist too and my father always expected me to get excellent grades, blah, blah, blah. it put a tremendous stress on me as a child. i skipped two grades but all that did was make him to expect more. i showed signs of obsessive compulsive disorder about my homework. great story but won't go into it here.
anyway, yes, yes, yes, you can and will get better utilizing the therapist, your meds, sad light,etc. one of the things i learned in therapy is the more i put into it the more i benefitted. sometimes it's difficult to share about our faults, as we perceive them, or to say, "yes, i had a good week ", when we really didn't. the therapist is a tool for you to get better quicker so you get what you pay for.... it's sometimes painful, hurts, etc to relive those memories but you will find you can replace the "old tapes" with new and healthier ones.
so i hope that gives you even more to look forward to.
oh and congrats on the "onion skin" that's another accomplishment!

[themoreloving1]

This is my 3rd yr of therapy. My depression got worse over the first 2 years as truths came out. Now, I am just numb, exhausted, worn out.

I worked really hard before on emotional issues and it's like it was just too much strain or something.

I feel like an empty shell. I don't know who I am or what I want.

[tarabug922]

Themoreloving1,

I just wanted to let you know that there is an end to the depression and things do get better. I am responding because i read a lot of myself in your post. I had a crappy childhood, abusive stepdad and twelve surgeries for cleft lip and palate that i didn't want. I was raped in college my first year and dropped out because of it. I ended up with complex PTSD, OCD, anorexia, bulimia and now schizoaffective disorder. I've had a lot of crap to deal with. But with therapy and medication, and eight years later my life has totally changed. I am now free of the PTSD and OCD for the most part, and the anorexia and bulimia. I am well adjusted and happy. If you put the time and effort into your recovery you will become well adjusted and happy too.

Just wanted to share the light.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[madisgram]

[quote=themoreloving1;919245]This is my 3rd yr of therapy. My depression got worse over the first 2 years as truths came out. Now, I am just ***numb, exhausted, worn out****.

I worked really hard before on emotional issues and it's like it was just too much strain or something.

***I feel like an empty shell***. I don't know who I am or what I want.**[/quote]

the feelings you describe is depression. have you talked about this with your pdoc? you may need an up in doseage or perhaps he may want to change your meds to something you may respond to better.
it is painful to work through the pain but it is worth it. the "other side" is so much brighter.

[Michah]

Know how you feel babe. I have also felt like crap for most of my life. I am 35 now and on an existential mission. I wonder if you have a touch of needing to soul search? I was dx bpd, schizoeffective and bipolar. The light of my life and the reason I still exist is my son.

So I have a mentall illness? My spirit is what needs help at the moment. Not my mind. Suffice to say they are closely linked and I take my meds and see my shrinks, whom I love. Gotta be responsible. But I need some deep, bone-marrow self love and thats what I am working on.

I need some chunky soul soup to sustain me and keep me warm......sick of feeling so cold about everything. My mission is very painful but it is worth it.

Love your tired, sad self and be kind to it. It will turn eventually. Self love is like perpetual motion.......once it starts it keeps going for eternity. Good luck.

[Phyliss49]

Originally Posted by themoreloving1

This is my 3rd yr of therapy. My depression got worse over the first 2 years as truths came out. Now, I am just numb, exhausted, worn out.

I worked really hard before on emotional issues and it's like it was just too much strain or something.

I feel like an empty shell. I don't know who I am or what I want.

My depression also worsened as my truths came out in therapy. When it was not improving, my T helped to advocate for a med increase/change from my pdoc with me. I"m fortunate that they work as a team.

But I don't believe that it was just the med change that helped me improve. My T and I discussed this last week and it may be that I've come to see that the world will not fall apart when I tell my truths, if you know what I mean. I was an "adult" child as well and urged to keep family secrets as family secrets.

That's my story, your path maybe different. But the depression can lift if you keep doing the work of therapy. Tell your T and pdoc exactly what you're feeling as you have told us here.
Good luck, let us know how you're doing and what decisions you're making.

[themoreloving1]

I appreciate everyone sharing their stories - it has made me feel a little less alone.

I've told my therapist everything that I've said here. I am maxed out on my meds.

Last night, I started feeling really upset. My husband is seeing a therapist now, too, for his depression. He is very emotionally distant. He cannot deal with my depression anymore...he walks off or shuts down when I need someone. I started having thoughts of how I could hurt myself. I don't want to die - I just feel so trapped in my feelings, house, marriage, and career path.

I cried for a long time, which I usually cannot do.