[digdug]

Hi all...I try to think of myself as a lucky person, and count my blessings, but this year has been rough, and it's getting hard to maintain this facade of "I can handle it all" and "everything will be fine in the end".

I've been living apart from my wife coming on six months now. We see each other often enough, but it's hard...very hard at times, especially times such as now, with the weekend coming up.

School has me down as well. I am not trying to sound immodest, but I am in a rather prestigious grad school program, but so far the whole thing has proven to be a disappointment. Maybe it's because I'm coming in as an overage student, but I look around me and I see mostly a bunch of spoiled youngsters running around with no idea what they're interested in studying, and seemingly not caring, either. I was expecting a bit more from my fellow students, though maybe I was being naive. I really think that history (my field, though my school is multi-disciplinary) can make a difference in the world, but all most people seem to care about is agreeing with their professors in the hopes that they'll recommend them for jobs when they graduate.

Also, my school advertises itself as being warm and friendly, but I find most students to be pretty cold and distant. Hard to connect with anyone and make friends...I haven't really. Also, the professors themselves are a pretty distant bunch, and not much interested in hearing what you have to say. I think the problem is that universities have turned into degree-producing machines, and everyone just wants to keep the machine going.

Of course there was my moving issue too...mould in my old apartment making me sick, then having to move in the middle of the semester. I like where I am well enough, though it's still strange to be living in a room in someone else's house...a little claustraphobic, as well.

None of these problems is earth-shattering, I suppose, but add them all up and it's been a pretty lousy six months. Plus I'm questioning whether or not going to this school, or even going back into academia, was the right move in the first place. Maybe I was just kidding myself, thinking I could make a difference via such a route.

Sorry, just had to get that off of my chest.

[Capp]

hey, I'm glad you got that off your chest!
sometimes it's the best thing we can do for ourselves is write with honesty what's going on in our lives...I don't think it's necessarily a crisis type thing so much as old-fashioned sharing with friends.

DD, thanks for sharing
Cap

[digdug]

Thanks, Capp.

Not to sound contradictory, but I think I am a bit worse off mood-wise than I sound in my post. I wouldn't have tossed it into the Depression forum otherwise.

I feel like I'm on the brink of much darker thoughts...but at least I'm still only on the brink. Like you say, sharing thoughts can sometimes make a big difference.

[Capp]

I offer my sincere apology...

I assumed too much and I was out of line in doing so, DD.
Cap

[digdug]

No problem, Capp, I don't think anything you did was an apologizable offence.

I guess I'm better at getting my thoughts out then at handling them, I suppose. I'll be all right, I guess. I just feel quite alone here sometimes, and that's tough.

[Capp]

DD, thank you for understanding...

In a way we are opposites--many, many times I find it difficult to put my feelings into any kind of sensible words. So I withdraw and become very quiet. But that has worked to my advantage as it signals me to (once again!) to examine what is happening in my life.

For me, feeling alone is a life-long experience. It may or may not have roots in my history.
I can be in a room full of people and feel alone...not necessarily lonely, but alone. I don't more important or less important than anyone there, but I do feel more like an observer than a participant...
That feeling will sometimes hurt me more than anything else.

DD, you are in my thought as you travel your path
Cap

[digdug]

Capp, I do know that "alone in a room" feeling quite well. But I am trying to fight it...

Strange day today. I went to school to do some work and ran into some of my classmates. I made the effort to talk to them...you know, short, simple conversations. But what's strange is that it did feel like I was making an "effort".

I like to be alone, or with my wife, but I can be sociable when need be. What's odd is that I hadn't realized had much I had lost in the way of social skills, probably due to all the mayhem in my life. I mean, I had to genuinely work at striking up conversations, which normally isn't something I have to do.

I guess that's the secret, eh? You know something's wrong, but you have to figure out what it is. For me, I've been putting myself in more and more of a bubble as bad things were happening to me. I guess I should start to crawl out.

Thanks for your kind words. My thoughts and support are with you, as well.

[ziggy1]

Digdug your not alone, the whole world right now In my opinion is Burnt out. The economy, state of affairs, Inflation, consumer confidence, the
stock market, etc...etc...etc......

Unemployment, lay offs, foreclosures.....nobody is buying or spending
its a very uncertain world we are living in right now.

It's affecting peoples relationships, people are more depressed and stressed now ever since the great Depression.

Glad you vented though not good to hold it in, I hope things work
out for ya. I hope things start turning around for everyone.

Keep the Faith.......

[digdug]

ziggy1, you're quite right. And let's not forget about the wars still being waged in the Middle East.

We have a lot of Americans in my school, and many of them were talking about friends they knew from high school who had been killed or paralyzed in Iraq. That's part of what put me in my funk. As a Canadian, I'm quite insulated from such stories...believe it or not, these were the first people I'd met in my life who knew someone who was killed in Iraq (at least people I've engaged in conversation with, anyway...you know what I mean).

I don't want to get into a debate about the merits of the war, but I think everyone would agree that such stories are very sad. And then I got to thinking about whether or not I could make a difference in the world, given the path I'm on right now. So it was a lot of heavy thoughts to take at once.

[ziggy1]

Yes the war too in the middle east.......thats a huge issue. I've heard
that president Elect Obama wants to pull all the troops out in like 16
months......Hopefully this will happen.

My great grandfather/mother is from St. Johns Canada. They immigrated
to the U.S. in the late 1800's. They had like 21 children and they only
lived to be like 43 or 44. I did my family tree back about 15 years ago.

Ive been to canada a few times and always enjoyed myself, I was always
impressed because Canada is so clean and well maintained, you never saw
any litter on the streets at all.

I ate in the Skylon Tower one time it was a great memory being able to look over the Falls in a revolving restaurant.....

Hang in there Dig......

[digdug]

ziggy1, that's a great story about your great grandparents. 21 children! What a different world it was in those days.

My wife is American...our countries are much more tied together than some on both sides might like to think. I've been to a lot of places on the east coast of America, as well as Chicago, but I would like to see much more.

As far the war situation, I can't help but feel pessimistic. Both of our countries have been taking a pounding in Afghanistan...maybe moving more of your men and women there will help, but that country is in bad shape. As you say, tough times.

Thanks for the kind words. Well wishes coming your way, as well.

[Sannah]

Hi DD, sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. I also went to a university where the professors were very standoff-ish. Are you older than the other students? I've done that before too and it is very isolating. Are there any activities off campus that you can become involved in? How about volunteering? From your posts in this thread already it sounds like you are a very capable problem solver.

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((((digdug)))))))))))) Don't sell your feelings short--they are very valid. Yours, like mine, are not earthshattering or devastating, but that doesn't mean they can't be overwhelming and depressing and just plain BLAH!! It's a funk that's hard to get out of sometimes. I went back to college after being out for about 15 years and, like you, I got aggitated at the young kids whose parents were paying for college that didn't show up, didn't appreciate it, etc. I think the best thing to do about that is to sigh and say, they'll learn! Maybe, being Sunday, you can put the books down, call your wife, grab an afghan and curl up on the couch and talk to your wife and just relax. Not great advice, I know, but sometimes just taking a step back and breathing can help.

[digdug]

Sannah, csc, thanks for your advice and support...and just for understanding! It's amazing how helpful that is.

To answer Sannah's question, I am older than most other students by a fairly wide margin, and it is quite isolating. There are a few other people my age, but what I'm realizing is that the department I'm in isn't really the one for me. What's good is that my M.A. is only one year, so I can switch things up next year. But for now, it's tough, because I don't feel as if I "fit in", as simple and silly as that might sound.

I had to do some stuff at school, but I am a football fan, so maybe I will take a step back and check out some of the afternoon games...looks like a good one at night, as well.

Oh yes, Sannah, it's funny, I've been thinking more and more about volunteering for something for some reason these days, I guess because of everything that's going on. It's really funny that you brought that up...thanks for the vote of confidence. School is quite hectic right now, but hopefully things will calm down next semester and that could be something to look forward to.

[ziggy1]

Hey DD hang in there, I am older also and have an associates in liberal
arts and 2 years in nursing for R.N. but never graduated because I just
couldn't do the hospital scene......!!!!

Atleast you have your M.A. which is a great accomplishment.....I have an
Adult college for working adults here called Cambridge College and that
has been on my mind for sometime. But I'm stuck for know caregiving
to my mother, but atleast I am realizing my potential....!!!

Hang in there!!!!!

[digdug]

Hi ziggy1, thanks for the well wishes...I fear I am getting worse, though. I'm taking too many of my meds again, which I was doing in October when things were rough. They're just benzos, so not too much of a risk, but it's still inappropriate behaviour, I know.

I'm really feeling like nobody here understands what I'm going through. I had trouble explaining to my wife and instead the call went bad. Sucks when that happens.

[e_sort]

grad school, what can you say? it's the scene of a lot of immaturity. for every genuine adult wanting to enrich their life or the world around them, or their career prospects, there are 10 who were too scared / childish / unskilled to enter the real world.

i was a little older than most of my entering class, like 5-6 years, because i had worked for a while after college. you'd think that's hardly long enough to make any difference, but it totally was. lots of times i felt like i was in high school.

the true dorks will wash out. this is just your first year, though, right? in a phd program? you might find that professors pay more attention to later-year students.

oh and if i had had benzos my first year i would have taken them constantly.

[digdug]

Thanks, e_sort, your post means a lot to me. I spent a bit longer out of school than you, but I think it's that "real world" experience that makes the difference. I had a few years in a retail job, and a few more in a low-level cubicle job, so I really appreciate the opporunity to go back to school, which I guess most others can't relate to.

I'm still in my M.A. year, which is only one year, thank goodness. I think the "dorks" are already starting to shake out. I just wish that there were more people I could truly relate to...ah, loneliness, it's tough.

And thanks for the reassurance about the benzo issue. I never feel as if I'm heavily abusing them, but, well, it's nice to hear that "it happens", as they say.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by digdug

I'm really feeling like nobody here understands what I'm going through.

This never feels good!

[FerretGuy5]

[quote=ziggy1;868729]Yes the war too in the middle east.......thats a huge issue. I've heard
that president Elect Obama wants to pull all the troops out in like 16
months......Hopefully this will happen.

Just once I would like to see the people responsible for starting a war, duke it out, and if necessary kill themselves.