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#1
Dec 15, 2008, 10:47 PM
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This should probably go in the ed forum but my eyes are blurry from crying and this is where it's at. I just had my heart broke at a level I can't begin to explain to anyone. Suffice it to say that at 3 days past 40 I'm sitting in my bed sobbing....letting it all go from holding it in most of the day. Why--I wish someone could tell me why--I am not worth loving. And that, my friends, is what is making me want to head to the kitchen. I had 3 pretzel sticks and a donut today and I so seriously want to comfort eat, I don't even care what it is, (trying to control the comfort eating by not having chocolate in the house and I hate myself for that because that's what I really want), I just want the comfort of food. Actually I want the comfort of someone loving me. Maybe it's because I've gained weight that I'm not lovable. No, that's stupid. I'm the same at 183 that I was at 113 or 123 or 143 or 163. Then why?? My t said today it wasn't that I was unlovable or not worthy but because I'm a "caretaker and nurturer" and 4 men I've had in my life have all needed a lot of nurturing, to the point of not giving me any. But why? Why can't someone see I need someone to talk to at the end of the day? I need someone to cook dinner once in a while, to take the kids to events even just once in a while, to look at me and tell me I'm beautiful and to rally on my side when things are bad. Why can't I be worth someone taking the time to notice I'm stressed and offering to sit with me? Why do I have to handle the stresses of life alone? Because I made one bad choice 17 years ago? What about all the right choices since? God, I'm babbling and I know it but I can't hold it in anymore, not after today. Not after having my heart broken on two levels. Not after wanting to run to the kitchen and find comfort there. Not after months of telling myself that I'm getting there...I'm doing better...I self-talk and say "Stop it!" when I say negative things about myself. I just can't hold it in anymore. I'll be ok in a little bit...I'll keep the tears coming and the urge to eat and the self-hatred for a little bit, but then I'll pull it together like I always do, go to bed, not sleep, get up and be ok all over again. At least there's no one else left that can break my heart. My t also said it's just not my time. I can appreciate that, but I sure wish it was! Please forgive the babbling and if a moderator needs to delete because it's too long, I'll understand. I just need someone to hand me a kleenex and tell me to stay the heck out of the kitchen. I'm scared.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut 
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#2
Dec 15, 2008, 10:52 PM
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((((((((((((((( cantstopcrying ))))))))))))))))))))
*hands you some kleenex and pats my shoulder, put your tears here sweetie* I am sorry that you are having a rough time, I hope that you find the love that you are looking for soon. 
__________________
 Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis visit my blog at http://gimmeice.psychcentral.net |
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#3
Dec 15, 2008, 10:54 PM
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Thank you so much. Tears are filling the kleenex. Thank you. It sounds so petty and stupid to be this upset about not having anyone, and that just makes it worse! Blah!!! I'll be ok. I will. Thank you.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#4
Dec 15, 2008, 11:06 PM
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((((((((((((( cantstopcrying ))))))))))))))))
I don't think that your feelings sound petty or stupid, you deserve happiness and love, you are a good person I hope that you will find the love that you desire soon.
__________________
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis visit my blog at http://gimmeice.psychcentral.net |
 cantstopcrying
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#5
Dec 15, 2008, 11:39 PM
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How are you doing with staying out of the kitchen?
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| cantstopcrying
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#6
Dec 16, 2008, 03:56 AM
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((CSC))
yes you are a worthwhile human being going through a rough time and doing the best you can that best is good enough for right now cry it out, let us love you and hold you in our thoughts  We Care! Cap
__________________
The most dangerous enemy is the one in your head telling you what you do and don't deserve. ~~unknown~~ http://capp.psychcentral.net |
| cantstopcrying
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#7
Dec 16, 2008, 05:30 AM
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((((((( cantstopcrying )))))))
 hugsWe all see what a beautiful person you are here with such a kind and loving heart. I'm sorry you feel you have no one to share with right now but there will be someone out there for you, who knows what the future will bring. With therapy I'm sure you will get even more confident, I've noticed that here. It's whats on the inside that counts. Remember what your daughter said to you. 
__________________
 Pegasus Got a quick question related to mental health or a treatment? Ask it here General Q&A Forum “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein |
| cantstopcrying
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#8
Dec 16, 2008, 06:27 AM
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((((((((((((cantstopcrying)))))))))))))))
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#9
Dec 16, 2008, 06:28 AM
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((((((((((((cantstopcrying)))))))))))))))
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| cantstopcrying
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#10
Dec 16, 2008, 06:34 AM
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Each of you are life savers (or at the very least size 12 jeans savers!!) I did not go to the kitchen and gimmeice's shoulder will be in treatment for weeks for being severely waterlogged. I could not...100% could not...have made it without you guys. Peg, you're right, I am getting more confident, I had my heart broken yesterday and I guess I'm allowed to fall down a little bit. What's important is that I am getting back up, right? Please know that without everyone here I couldn't get back up. I still hurt beyond belief, things that I could not post here, but, at least as of 6:31 this morning, I feel better than last night, so that's progress. Please don't get sick of me if I repost here, because the kitchen at work is full of sweets this time of year and the least little thing will trigger that urge, so someone may need to tie a rope around my waist to haul me away. A good nights sleep and the good people at pc have helped my morning to be worth getting out of bed (we'll see about the rest of the day as it comes!).
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#11
Dec 16, 2008, 07:06 AM
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(((((cantstopcrying))))) is wonderful May I give you a nice warm ?you are always in my thoughts 
__________________
Where, where I go - My spirit is free, I'm coming home Where, where I go - Remember me but let me go /Lacuna Coil |
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#12
Dec 16, 2008, 07:22 AM
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dont beat your self up over the comfort eating, not allowing chocolate in the house is a good idea but reward your self with a little every now and then, its not nice to get your heart broken again, but remember you are very good person and worth nowing, and you will find the right person one day dont forget to do things for you once in a while
(((((((((((cantstopcrying))))))))))))))))))
__________________
No kind action ever stops with itself. One kind action leads to another. Good example is followed. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves.
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| Cthomas
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#13
Dec 16, 2008, 07:48 AM
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You are a wonderful person. anybody who does NOT want to see it is not worth our time!!!!!!
 Pat youreself on the back. you deserve it marci. Colleen
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#14
Dec 16, 2008, 08:46 AM
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ExiExi.....thank you so very much!! What a nice thing to see in big letters. Hugs are always always welcome here. Thank you.
Kathy....thank you for the very kind words of encouragement. I really don't do things for me very often, so this morning I got a Krispie Kreme donut with chocolate glaze!! Colleen....You are so right!! I wish I could learn that lesson about not being worth our time and make it stick! Maybe this time!! Thank you.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#15
Dec 16, 2008, 09:30 AM
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CSC, I know that we have talked about fear of intimacy before, you and I. Do you think that you might be standing in your own way here of getting what you really want because of fear of what you really want?
These 4 past partners were not capable of intimacy and maybe this is why you chose them?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#16
Dec 16, 2008, 09:33 AM
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I don't know. It doesn't feel like it. At all. But I guess if I look at it like the 4 special men that have been in my life since high school have not been able to give that intimacy and still I was drawn to them. Sigh. I don't know. Why would I fear what I really want? Except that I fear I'm not good enough for what I really want...I know that to be true.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#17
Dec 16, 2008, 09:36 AM
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CSC, I have experience with this issue. I know what it feels like! If a really caring man sat across from you right now and looked deep in your eyes and looked right at you, how would you react?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#18
Dec 16, 2008, 09:43 AM
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I would shrink inside myself and be invisible most likely.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#19
Dec 16, 2008, 09:46 AM
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((((((((((((cantstopcrying))))))))))))))
I am here if you need to talk.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://purplebutterfly.psychcentral.net/ |
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#20
Dec 16, 2008, 09:47 AM
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((purplebutterfly))I know, sweety, thank you!!
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#21
Dec 16, 2008, 09:54 AM
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Why CSC?...
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#22
Dec 16, 2008, 10:04 AM
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Why? Because I'm not pretty, I'm not overly social until I really get to know someone, I just don't fit in or belong or deserve it. Oh that sounds stupid. I don't know why. I would just assume that he wouldn't be interested in me.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#23
Dec 16, 2008, 10:12 AM
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Do you think that your self worth just can't hold up under close "observation"/intimacy?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#24
Dec 16, 2008, 10:20 AM
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I don't know, but there were a nice, respectful, kind man sitting across from me looking me in the eyes, I would immediately be flattered that he would even be here, then believe that it won't go anywhere because I just can't make relationships work, even though I give space where space is needed, I give support, I don't smother, I respect, I care, I trust, I involve, but there is something about me that just doesn't deserve anothers love. The longest I've been able to make a relationship work is 9 years and that was damaged so long prior to that....why couldn't I be respected and cared about? It had to be something wrong with me. I'm babbling and don't feel like I've answered your question.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
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#25
Dec 16, 2008, 10:25 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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