[Beholden]

Need someone to talk to today. I generally feel okay. Expecially when I have something to look forward to. Like today is the first day where our weather is good enough to go out in our kayaks this afternoon!

Yesterday, I woke at 6:30am, got out of bed to iron my DH shirt, which I do most of the time, then curled up and slept for a few hours. I sometimes do this too. No motivation. Got up, did some laundry while I sewed a gift that was due last Christmas---felt good about doing that FINALLY. But didn't even get the freshly washed sheets back on the bed. Phone rang, but as usual, I let it, didn't want to talk to whoever it might have been. I've been doing that a lot expecially since our bills are getting behind since I've not worked since June 08.

I sat in front of TV and ate my lunch, around 2:00pm which is usual. By 3pm, I curled up in the big chair and slept again. Until my DH came home around 5:30pm. I hadn't showered, though I did get dressed, sometimes I don't bother to change from whatever I sleep in all day, but anyway, I looked terrible. It bothered me, but not enough to do anything about it.

I picked up a knitting project to rework the part that wasn't turning out for the third time....didn't fix dinner, asked my DH to order delivery pizza because I didn't feel like cooking. I usually do cook.

About 7:30pm the phone rang, someone was coming over to borrow something and this person and her DH are new friends. I was so mad at myself because the house was a wreck, I was a wreck, didn't want her to see me or my house this way. My hubby pitched in and got the living room presentable, I jumped in the shower so my hair was at least groomed. My pdoc says I have to push myself when I've spoken of not being motivated...He doesn't believe in over medicating...I know I'm not over medicated, but maybe I need an increase in current AD?

I'm happy around people. Not always by myself. I laugh at TV or somethings that hit me funny. I'm more sensitive to all the violent programs on TV that I used to be numb to. Last night I closed my eyes to parts of my usually favorite CSI type program.

My anxiety has increased slightly. I'm afraid I'll never get hired for any job since I was at an interview to volunteer and they called me back to say they had no openings right now. I don't really even know what kind of work I am really good at...I need a sucess. Haven't had many lately.

It's 11:30 and I'm still in my pajamas. I did some job hunting on the web, stacked up some dirty dishes, looked up some interesting stuff on the web and had breakfast. I didn't get out last week with my one best friend, she has an appointment with her vet for her dog Wed, so I won't see her until Friday if then. I have "no life" - family all lives in other states.

I like when I talk with you all here at PC but even though my pdoc thinks I'm recovering, I don't know what to think.

I know I'm responsible for me, but the motivation of everyday living without other connections is often lonely.

Well, I do have a good marriage and my DH just phoned to tell me he's heading home with lunch for us. He never does that then we are going to go to his doctor's appointment and the off to kayaking. So I have much to be happppppy about. What the heck gives?

Any comments, advise, etc will be appreciated.

[justfloating]

(((((pexeva)))))

Look at this:

Ironed a shirt. Worked on a christmas present. Got dressed. Knitted. Did laundry. Stacked up some dirty dishes. Did some job hunting. Going kayaking.

My, pexeva, look at all these things you did!!!!! WOW!

Recovery from depression is a long, slow process. Some days are better than others. But you are making headway, even if it doesn't feel like it. Just keep taking things one day at a time. It's so frustrating, I know, but you'll get there eventually. Maybe you could see about increasing your medication, it might boost your energy and motivation a little.

I agree with your pdoc that a little pushing might be good, but don't push too hard. You are sick. Just because you're "in recovery" doesn't mean that you are WELL, so you can't expect or be expected to do everything you would if you were feeling 100%. There are some things that you simply cannot do right now, and that is fine. Do what you can, and be proud of what you do! Sometimes you have to take two steps forward and one step back, but with time, you can make it.

Sending lots of good vibes and oodles of hugs.