can anyone help me get past isolation?

hi. i am a 19yo female who still lives at home. when i was growing up, i lived with my mom and her abusive husband...not my dad...we could never have friends over because he would always be drunk. i was picked on a lot during school, from kindergarten right up until graduation. when I was twelve my mom finally left her husband. i seemed to go all to pieces - i was sad at first because i had loved the man and his daughter, who had been my older stepsister. i started using my middle name instead if my first one, became outspoken and rude, and purposely did things to annoy my mother/peers...

i failed 7th grade that year and had to attend summerschool. same thing with 8th the year after that. i was picked on more than ever for my behavior, never managing to have more than one close friend at a time and even then not really feeling so close to them...sometimes i had no friends at all. i would cut myself to get attention and then got angry when my mom found out...

as i got older i got into HS, and i failed ninth grade three times because i just didn't care. i stayed out of school because my peers made me miserable and wanted to sleep in class to escape. i fought to escape all the time. i stayed on the internet 24/7 to make up for lack of real friends, but even my online friends weren't people i felt CLOSE to. i felt lonely.

i have never learned to drive. i had no motivation. i am 19 and graduated now, still at home, and cannot drive. i had to get rides o the local college and eventually dropped out because it depressed me - i didnt understand anything and transportation was so hard.

i have a boyfriend, but our relationship over the course of 4 years has gone downhill...we spend most of our time arguing or pretending things are okay when they're not. he's so sensetive i cant tell him ANYTHING...i can't and don't feel close to him anymore and that makes me so sad because i love him so much...

too many people know me here...it's a small town...no one is like me or has my interests...i feel as if I am incapable of being close to someone and I'm so lonely i feel like my chest weighs a ton. i want to have therapy but it's expensive and it involves trying to get transportation and telling my mom wants going on since i still live with her...i just don't feel like i should worry her or she would understand...i seem fine most of the time, but i am achingly lonely and my mom isn't someone i can get close to because our views are so different on so many things...

i just want one intimate, real relationship...romantic, friends, anything. i am so lonely. i feel like it has always been this way and always will be. i just don't know what to do.

It can be hard to get past isolation. I too am very isolated, but please be assured I care and here you do not need to feel isolated. Be patient here it can take a long time to get replies.

I just want to welcome you to PC. Please keep posting, this is a friendly and supportive place.

((((((((((glowstick))))))))))

Welcome to PC. You'll find lots of support here. leacon is right -- this is a place where you don't need to feel alone.

Yes, welcome to C.

I know the lonliness of isolation myself, and this year I learned some ways to get past it... so I'll pass on some ideas for you, and you can use them if it feels like it fits.

I was picked on in my youth too, so I understand the heartache, and also, I was the scapegoat for my family.. and that was no fun whatsoever!

So, when things happened to me later, like a difficult time came upon me, I'd isolate myself because I couldn't tell others how I felt, because first, I was taught that was wrong... wow, were they wrong.

I found a support group that I could go to where I could share my heart, if that might work for you, as many are free also.

I took up a hobby, then another, and met people thru that avenue as I had a good time doing something I loved, so that gave out good vibes to.

Work, well, I started doing things I liked to do, and that became so much less of a struggle...

And I made my surroundings, in my room, than my place, into someplace that reflects my good qualities, so it feels good to be home also.

Things get better from there...

You start with one thing, then take little steps to making yourself reach out, and you will see, that the world isn't made up only of those foolish classmates and people who are thoughtless... yes, they are there too, but you will also find some wonderful people who have needs like yours, to be accepted and respected, and good company too...

You will see more and more good people as you let yourself shine through.

Like attracts like, right <>

Be well, and take those small steps, like you did coming here, out there IRL too, when you are ready.

Put yourself in the best, and safest situations, choose your friends wisely, and spend at least half your day making your world the kind of place that makes you comfortable...

Sounds big, but we all start out somewhere, and small... and this grows.

Peace and Support,
Nightbird
xoxo

I am sorry you are so isolated. I know it is hard to talk to your mom but treatment for depression has a really good rate of success. There are good online resources and books too that help.
If you ever want to chat about anything at all you can pm me.

Kayti

I need help. I am at the point of harming , and I dont have a phone to call the hotline. I am screaming for anyones help here