[Hortaux]

I find more and more as the days go by that the only thing I really enjoy anymore is sleep. Watching television or reading can set off uneasy thoughts of how worthless I am, or how stupid. I can't watch someone on television get humiliated without feeling humiliated myself. When I sleep, I don't dream, and no one wakes me up to bother me, so I'm relatively safe.

It just seems that I'm always wrong now. I can't seem to do anything right. It sets me up for an entire day of questioning my worth and value if I answer a question incorrectly out loud. As a consequence of this, I speak less in class to avoid sounding so stupid, and as a consequence of that, I get even less right. I isolate myself from my friends, because they're all fairly smart and correct me frequently. I feel as though they are purposely sabotaging my self esteem— but they are good people, and I know it's just me. But I can't help but think this way.

I find myself treading the border to paranoia as well— when someone corrects my wrong answer, I feel this intense, burning anger... as though they're correcting me in order to thwart me, in order to prove their own self worth. I know this is wrong. I know people aren't correcting my because they like to make me feel bad— but I can't help these feelings. I really don't know how to get rid of or deal with this anxiety.

I'm not very pretty. I've never been pretty. I'm not very talented at anything. I don't play any sport, I've never won an award, and my grades are average. I'm mediocre. My intelligence has always been the thing that sets me apart, makes me feel good about being me. Now... I don't even have that.

I don't cry easily, so my problems pass by unnoticed. I try not to create more tension than necessary, except when I lose control. At the end of the day, I'm weakest, and most likely to yell at someone for correcting me or arguing. I don't do well in arguments; I'm easily swayed by the other people's point of view.

I frequently think about suicide, but don't have the courage to go through with it. I have attempted cutting, but it doesn't make me feel any better... only more stupid.

I feel as though I have nothing to live for. I don't get great grades. I don't think the colleges that have accepted me want me, and my father is a high-class alcoholic who likes to call me up at 8:30PM and rant about how the US is going to collapse. It has become a constant fear, that the US is going to end and I'll have to change my routine with no notice. My mother is an unemployed mortgage-writer (who needs one of those nowadays?) and our rent is overdue by three months. We've been evicted once, and I fear it happening again. I fear a lot of things.

I want to sleep.

Today when I came home from school, I wanted to go to bed. It has been an exceptionally bad day. I was corrected many times, and to top it off, the newspaper came out today, and there is a colossal mistake in it. As a copy-editor, it's my job to fix that, and I failed. The other copy-editor, while reading through a silly article (the article complained about how seniors have so many problems, like prom and dates and tuxes and limos, without mentioning any REAL problems like college or scholarships or financial aid) and left little sarcastic comments within the article which I knew about and did nothing. The layout editor berated me for this failure, and I don't want to go to school tomorrow and face the class. I contemplate killing myself, but it would be too melodramatic. I just don't want to deal with them, even though I'm at fault.

I wish there was some way to stop being driven by these feelings. I don't know how to deal with them or control them. I have sought psychiatric help, but my mother does nothing about it. I cannot drive and do not own a car, and I live in a rural area. I have already had one severe breakdown, which my mother refuses to recognize, and I don't want to have another one. I need help. I need help. I need help.

[justfloating]

Oh, Hortaux, I'm so sorry that things are so bad for you right now!!

First of all, I recognize a LOT of myself in your post. I'm just beginning to recover from depression, but I have always, ALWAYS hated being corrected. When the depression was at its worst, I was convinced every time someone corrected me that I was stupid, that they thought I was a complete idiot, that I could never get anything right and that I was doomed to fail at everything I attempted. I felt worthless and sure that people only humoured my presence in their lives, but never really cared what I thought. Now I'm beginning to see that the depression tells us lies. Mistakes happen. Everyone makes them and anyone who pretends otherwise is just too insecure to admit to their own humanity. You are not stupid or worthless or a failure.

Do you mind if I ask whether you're on any meds, or have you seen a doctor about how you're feeling? You don't have to tell your family anything you don't want to. I didn't tell my dad about my depression or the medications I was taking for it, because I didn't think he would understand, and it was my call to make. This is your life. This is your body. This is your health. As long as you're taking it seriously, it's nobody else's business if you need to get help. If you can't get help right now, what about calling your local crisis line? You can talk to someone confidentially who might be able to help you sort things out. The other thing you might be able to try is a school counsellor. It's their job to listen to students, in total confidence, and they would be more than willing to help. It can be scary to reach out to someone, especially if your own family isn't being all that supportive, but you can get through this.

Please try to be kind to yourself. I know that things are rough right now, but they can get better. Remember that the colleges who accepted you would never have accepted you if they didn't really want you. Remember that your friends would not be friends with you if they did not value your presence in their lives. I know it seems hopeless, I know it seems like there's nobody on your side and that the whole world is against you some days. But you are not alone. There are people who can help you with this. I'm so glad you found PC, it's a great start. There are tons of people here who can help support you through this, and who know exactly where you're coming from. You can feel free to PM me anytime as well, I'm always willing to listen.

Take care. You can get through this.

[trevorzero]

Guess what? I once was a copy editor, and so I definitely know how you feel. The goal of copy editing is to create perfect copy, and when we fall short of that goal, we can feel pretty stupid. But hardly a day goes by that I don't notice an error in a newspaper or a magazine. Every copy editor is making mistakes, and chances are it doesn't cause them much of a problem. If copy editing doesn't give you any satisfaction, then stop doing it. I did.

You definitely need people to talk to and be honest with. If someone says something that is hurtful, let them know in a calm way that it felt bad. People aren't trying to ruin your self-esteem, they just assume that any correction that they make will not be harmful. The more honest you are with people, the better treatment you can expect from them.