[kebsfroggy]

Last night I wanted to run into the desert, stomped my feet, spread my arms wide and yell to the gods… “Why is there so much hate?” “Why is she lashing out at everyone with such anger?”

Mom can’t hear (you have to stand 6” from her good ear and yell). Dad wears a hearing aid but still can’t hear (“his battery must be dead”). Their conversations are like some comic tragedy. Dad speaks. Mom speaks. Sometimes both speak at the same time, but the two sentences have nothing to do with each other. Then they both get angry and scream and yell at each other for not responding.

As a frog of little brain, I don’t understand. If the gods don’t take her before hand, she will eventually die of cancer. How can someone who knows their days are numbered have so much anger and hate inside? Every day is the same, yelling screaming, accusations, and insults. I try not to become involved but it is dragging me down.

I have no friends, no doctors and no support here in the middle of the desert, only me. My parents know only the confident 20 year old that left home to make her mark on the world. They know nothing of the damaged froggy that now resides inside.

The irony of this, when I leave in a couple of weeks, I return not to a sanctuary but to a living hell. I don’t know if I can survive or even want to. The sadness and desperation are there waiting in the shadows, ready to pounce upon my return.

I'm so tired of all this. It is getting too hard to even try.

[Capp]

((kebs))
I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time.

I have no wise words but wanted you to know that you are being heard and understood by many of us.

Peace and Power to you,
Cap

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( froggy ))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry. Sending you all my love and gentle hugs,
Fuzzy

[katheryn]

you have friends and support, i hear you asking for us to talk to while your there i recive your emails with the jokes attached with great fondness, they make my days give something to smile at when there is nothing else as i go through my emails from
freecycle up pops a familer name kebs i go straight there and see what wonders you have sent this time, and before i do anything else i forward them on to my friends who might need a smile sent to them

here when you need a ear to listen and always here to offer support

(((((((((((kebs)))))))))))

[Pomegranate]

Your parents can't hear you and are angry people who aren't comfortable to live with. I'm sorry for you. When you have to live there with them, just take care of them as best you are able. But take care of yourself first. Find things that make you happy and feel good and do them. Sounds like you have people here that hear you. Talk to us. And if you have friends and a phone, talk to them when you are feeling frustrated with your parents.

[pachyderm]

(((((froggy)))))

[kebsfroggy]

Thank you all for your support.

My mother's health is beginning to deteriorate. The nurse was by this morning and her vital signs are strong but she has lost weight. In addition she is sleeping most of the time and eats very little.

Today I shipped the first boxes of my things back home. A week from today I'll be flying home.

Can't say as I'm relieved to be going home. Hell isn't exactly a good alternative to staying here.

Thanks again to all of you.

((( My Dear Friend )))

I know it's hard. I really do. I feel for you.

I honestly don't think your parents are really yelling at each other. I think they're just yelling. Maybe they're mad that life has turned out this way for them and underneath all the fighting and hate, they are yelling about the injustice of the crappy hand they were dealt. (Just my opinion, of course)

It seems selfish of them to act this way right now, I know. I was pretty pissed at my mother for pushing herself so much when she was sick. She was in such denial and having a really hard time just walking to the bathroom or to bed, yet she wanted to go out to eat and go see her friends and go shopping etc. (I had them over instead) I guess she just wanted to live.

I was coming from a serious, caring, "I'm concerned for your life and want you to rest and get better" place so that she MIGHT live a little longer. She was coming from a "I want to pretend I'm not dying and laugh and make jokes" place. It made me mad that she would "make a joke" about all of it.

I wish I saw all that at the time. I realize now I shouldn't have tried to save her. I should've just let her go out the way she wanted.

Please lean on us. You mean a lot to me kebs.

I'll do whatever I can.

[kebsfroggy]

Yes, OB, I'm sure you are right.

Her health had been good until the last couple of days. The hospice nurse was by for her normal visit. When the nurse explained that her current symptoms could be part of her illness, I watched the hope drain from my mother's face. "I don't want to live like this" was her comment.

Thanks to her stroke a couple of years ago, she may not remember what the nurse said. It is hard to tell.

I can't even escape to the security of my own home. This all is just too much for me to deal with. I can feel myself being dragged under. I should be able to cope but I find it all just too much. All the meds in the world won't keep the depression away.

You are a valued friend ((( OB ))), thanks for your post.

[Capp]

((kebs))

I'm sorry...
it's a very difficult thing to be handling

part of my own experience with hospice was they had aides that would come a few times a week. it was time I could use for myself.
is there any way you could set that up for yourself?
a few hours away can be of tremendous help

best wishes,
Cap

[silver_moon]

(((((((((((kebs)))))))))))))))