[Grey Matter]

For the past week, I have been noticing my hair falling out more than ever. My hair is (well, was) long, curly, thick. So when I'd shower, I'd see it clogging the drain. Then I'd brush it and it would be every where. And It was depressing not because I love my hair more than anything, but I can see what this disease and chemotherapy is doing to me.

Last night, I went to my partners house and I finally said to just cut it. She used the longest setting to buzz the back of my head. Then she cut my hair into this cute almost pixie like cut. And it felt so nice and right and I cried because I wasn't missing my hair, but It felt like a giant fu** you to my illness.

I got home, and my mom saw my hair and for a full 20 minutes pretended to like it. Said "Oh it's REALLY short!". And then she goes on to tell me "I don't like it. It makes you look sick." And this isn't usually how my mom is. She has been supportive. I think she hates the fact that I am owning my illness rather than adapting ignorance (like a lot of people in my family have done) and now she can physically see it. She then apologized, told me she doesn't hate it because it makes me look sick, it's just really short and she likes how my hair was before.

Yeah well. When your hair starts falling out and it's all you see ontop of turning into a skeleton and never leaving the house, tell me how important looks are.

I am just so angry and frustrated by it all. I was already self conscious of the balding spots. Now I feel like I look like an idiot. I am over being sick. I am don e with it.

[gayleggg]

Hi, Greymatter. I'm really sorry about you losing your hair. It is very tramatic. Mine started coming out by the handfuls. I cried a lot. Mine was past my shoulder, so it clogged up the drain, too. Finally, one morning I accepted it and shut myself in the bathroom and shaved the rest off. Crying the whole time until I finally accepted it was gone. I wore hats and scarves until it started to grow back months later. This all to say, I know how tramatic it is to lose your hair. I'm sorry your mom could not embrace you and tell you how precious you are short hair or long. Hope you are able to come to accept you are still the perfect you and always will be.