[Marylin]

I have a lot of physical illness as well as mental.My mobility is bad due to weak legs, a buffalo hump and spinal misalignment.I have blood pressure problems and diabetes and hypothyroidism as well as depression.

I was abused a lot by my sister,she would call me lazy and reluctantly do things for me like get shopping in cut my grass and DIY around the home,this was so she could foster helplessness in me and make me dependent on her.

Well lately I have struggled with the chores.I cut my sister out of my life a year and a half ago,I had home help to do the vacumning all that time.Now I have had to let home help go so that I can use the money to pay for a gardener to cut the grass etc because I cannot manage the outdoor work alone anymore.

I feel sad for the loss of my own strength and power to do this job myself and I feel so guilty for needing the help.I think it is because my sister always made me feel like a burden if I needed help and that I didn't deserve it,like I was useless and causing other people to have to work on my behalf.

I know though that it isn't my fault that I can't do the work myself and that even if I am disabled and unable I am still a valuable human being and I deserve to be respected and have the help so I am not worrying and getting more ill forcing myself to exhaust myself doing work that is too much for me.
I still feel sad though.I feel fortunate I have the money too to pay workers to do it for me,I am so grateful to disability for paying me,that is another worry if I ever lose that benefit.

I have no one to talk to about this that understand how it makes me feel in light of the abuse my sister always gave me about it.I know how hard like can be and I have lived with scarcity and I have been ill and alone and had no one to help so I have been in great distress and desperate.I sometimes have a survival mentality cos that is what my mother passed on to us and what I experienced when ill was poverty and scarcity and isolation.

I never want to feel that way again so I really want to let go of the pain involved with all this and to feel good I can pay for help instead of guilty.
My wish is to not need anyone or need their help either but as I am ill and as I am aging I do need people,is that so very bad?

[Dancer29]

Everyone that needs help deserves it, so don't feel guilty. I'm sorry to hear that you were abused in the past. Everything will be fine in the end, but don't feel guilty.

[htoun]

Things people say a lot stay with you even when you know they are wrong. There is no reason to feel guilty.

[Tsukiko]

Marylin, you seem to have a good, level head. You realize that you deserve help and that you are lucky to receive it. You are a strong person who should not feel guilt for circumstances that weren't of your choosing and are beyond your control. You are brave, too, because you're still fighting. You still want to help yourself.
Being sad about your loss of certain abilities is natural. You are mourning the passing of aspects of yourself that you've had your whole life. Allow yourself to grieve and don't feel guilty for that, either.

[TishaBuv]

IMHO the best money you can spend is on the gardner. I understand how you want to be independent, and it is good you grew past the toxic relationship with your sister, but don't feel guilty about paying for landscaping.

[Marylin]

I am very tired today I feel weak too physically.I have a problem with the neighbor she owns a Leylandi hedge on her property which is on the border along the side of my drive.For twenty years my sister maintained it but when I cut my sister out of my life I told the neighbor she has to cut it.She trimmed the top of it once in a year and a half and hasn't come to cut it on my side,it has got long and unkempt.

Well there is also the issue of a tree on her side which has uprooted and split my drive.I wrote to her about it last year,she did nothing since she was renting her house out back then,but now she has moved in and just ask for access to my drive to cut the offending tree down.I asked her to say if she is going to pay for the repairs to my drive and she was vague and non committed.She said she is not and expert and will ask for advice and ask the council too.What is there to ask?Is she going to pay to fix the damage or not is what I need to know!!!!FFS!

Anyway fed up of getting fobbed off by her so I am going to the council cos the tree has damaged the pavement in front of the entrance to my drive too and they need to fix that,I will ask them to fix my drive too and send her the bill.

On a much happier note,I am so pleased,I met my new gardener and he is lovely and he came today and cut the grass front and back.Such a big job for me and so tiring and exhausting but he got it done in no time.And the front grass was very overgrown too.I am so relieved,it was such a worry to not have the physical strength to do it!
Very ,very ,very, extremely happy to have a gardener to cut the grass for me from now on in!I don't feel guilty anymore,I need the help and having the work done is a priority.I can't let the garden get overgrown and in a mess,it would depress me enormously.

I just had a coffee and a sandwich.......As I said I am very tired today so will rest.Tomorrow the weather is forecast to be sunny here again so I will do some weeding and sweep the garden get the weedkiller out.Marylinx

[Marylin]

I am very tired this evening.I was able to sweep dead leaves from the garden and do the weeding and spray weedkiller.Then I was able to sit out there and enjoy it.
I will be able to concentrate on planting flowering shrubs and plants now there is a gardener to do the basic heavy work!I am feeling pleased with myself for getting the weeding done today and getting myself some much needed exercise.It was a hot sunny day with a nice cooling breeze too today.

Next week the gardener is cutting a leylandi hedge for me and removing a shrub from the garden that has died,he will probably need to dig the border over too.

Month after next I will have some money to spend on the garden too.I have to get fence preservative for my newish fencing.Spend a day doing that and get permission to go into the neighbors garden and paint it her side.

I am getting quotes to get my exterior windows painted and repaired soon.I want that job done by end of June!

I am going to rest now for the rest of the evening night. I've had my dinner.I will have a shower before bed.Got no one to talk to,all alone again,it gets lonely,I am going out tomorrow though,for a meal and the cinema, should be good,I will spend time at my favorite cafe before the film reading my book.It is good to have things to look forward to!Thanks for reading.Marylin

[AHeartOfRuby]

i guess i dont quite understand your circumstance yet seeing as to im only a teenager but i too am physically disabled along with my little brother and am constantly verbally abused misunderstood and treated like im incapable because i need more help.. You are not alone stay strong

[Marylin]

I am sorry to hear you are abused for being disabled,that is no fault of your own,some people can be very nasty.I hope you can stay strong too Ruby and thank you for your kind words.I am sure you are capable of a lot more than your detractors recognize and that you will achieve them all some day.You stay strong too!God Bless!Marylinx